A sense of normal.

Well Father's Day was a hit!  I had a really good time spoiling my dad with a day out.  My dad is so hard to buy for because he buys everything he likes for himself.  Books... he buys before they come out on Amazon.  So Chris and I got him coffee for the Kuerig.  X Bold.  He likes good strong coffee.  We went for La Morinta's and Yogiliocious!  A day filled with pictures and fun times.  We even went to Lodi to visit my Grandpa Nelson's grave.  Putting flowers and remembering him always. 

Chris was in a great mood.  Joking, teasing, arguing, knowing everything, and full of lots of conversation.  He was his usual take 10 pictures to get the one that has a smiling regular smile and face.  On our way home after everything was finished I started to think... things seem kinda normal.  Kinda like I am enjoying Chris's humor.  Like this is how he has always been and I am enjoying it again.  Then I began to wonder for the last 6 months has he continued to be his normal self and I was just so stuck in my grief that I didn't notice or was he grieving and was not himself either.  I don't know.  I just know we got a glimpse of a good day, a day filled with laughter and sometimes frustration because Chris wouldn't leave me alone!  (In a good way!)  I have missed those times with him.  I hope this was the beginning of many more times.

 After I dropped Chris at home I headed to the cemetery.  Chris doesn't like to go there.  I really don't blame him because to tell you the truth, I have never liked going to the cemetery and only went there when I absolutely had to.  I would go once a year on Memorial Day to visit my grandparents.  Now I have changed because my daughter is there and I want to go visit her.  I will never have new pictures of her or new memories so I go to remember and to visit and to take pictures. 

First stop was my grandfathers grave.  I put flowers and remembered him.  I remember when we lived in Texas Grandpa and Grandma would come to visit and we would take all their stuff to the flea market to sell.  We would stay different places for the weekend.  It was fun and I loved pretending like we were camping, but making money.  Grandpa would take right guard baths and walk around trying to buy more stuff for cheap.  He will always be remembered and never forgotten.   He walks with my girl now!

Then I headed to Mikaylah's spot.  The cemetery was full and lots of people were sitting on the ground and I wondered what they were talking about maybe memories, regrets, wishes, some were drinking soda, some crying, some alone, some putting flowers.  I wonder why we can't do that.  Because its to SAD.  I wonder if we will ever be able to do that.  Death isn't something I have ever wanted to talk about or deal with, but with Mikaylah I hope someday we can just remember her and smile and laugh! 

For now I am just happy we made it through Father's Day and that I saw my precious son being normal and happy!  He even talked to his dad for about 40 minutes on the phone.  That was a miracle since they basically have no contact.  All in all I am so happy I was able to spend time with my dad and show him how much I love and appreciate him.  We were living life to the fullest!

A Video Update.

It's a 10 minute update!  Click on the following link to hear the video! 



http://youtu.be/xHRvXWSmSWg

This is beautiful...

A letter from a son to his mother?
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said:
'How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?'

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more
? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair ?' the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to
help others if he could.'

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said :

'Dear Mom, I know
you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him.
Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen
back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

My favorite part is at the end, "God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much either.  That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me."  I choose to believe that's what happened with Mikaylah, she couldn't stand the pain and God couldn't either.  The Angel of Mercy took Mikaylah to that happy place where she has no more pain or suffering.  It hurts us, but I have to keep in focus that she is no longer hurting and no matter how much I miss her and wish I had had her longer she is in a perfect place now where she is happy ALL the time.  We can't even imagine a place like that.  Some have said to me, "God needed her or it's all God's will."  I don't believe that... I believe we live in a world with imperfection, with sin and sickness... God did not will for Mikaylah to be sick and die.  His plan was for her to live a full life with lots of opportunity for joy and happiness on earth, but sickness took Mikaylah.  Now she gets to have happiness for all eternity and we are promised of seeing her again when we get to eternity.