Mother's Day!

Mother's Day brings something different for everyone...

The joy of being a mother is profound!  Only a mother can know that JOY...

There are many hurting this weekend dealing with loss...

Many do not have the unconditional love if a mother... Many of the youth I work with have huge losses...  One lost a mother to murder, one lost to drugs, one lost to mental illness, one lost to domestic violence, one lost to fear and the list just keeps going...

Then you have the other side of the coin... The memory of bearing a child but not having that child with you...

You have daughters and sons who have lost mothers to sickness and old age....

Then you have mothers that only want a day without the kids... 

Enjoy your kids... Enjoy your moms.... 

There will come a day when either mother or child will leave this earth... Then all you will have is the memory!  

Happy Mother's Day!

5 Things to do if you know someone who has lost a child...

This blog entry comes from an article I posted on my Facebook this week... To tell you the truth I didn't think anyone would read it but the response was very encouraging... I received the following personal message from a friend:

Tammy,

After reading the post about losing a child, many times, I have a question for you.  How does someone who has not gone through the lost of a child interact with someone who has.  I know that when I learned of Makalias passing, I felt so sad and I really didn't know what to say to you to express the sorrow I felt.  Even after seeing you a few weeks ago it felt like I was on guard all the time.  I wanted to interact with you in more deep way, but the occasion was more of a social event. 

If this post would have given more guidance for people to get pass the feeling of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time it would have been so much enlighten.

"Name was removed"

This message got me thinking how can someone who has not lost a child interact with someone who has... I began thinking of the few people who have broken the barrier and started or continued a relationship... I came up with the following 10 things...

1.  Ask, "How are you?"

    People who know of our loss stop asking that question because they assume we are not doing well.  But "How are you?" Is a normal way to start a conversation and when you illiminate it that tells us you don't want to know how we are... But you have to be ready for the response... Just like any other person we are not asking you to fix us when we say we are having a bad day we are just looking for support, a listening ear...

2.  Say our child's name...

    You may think by bringing up our child's name it will make us sad or make us cry... Guess what? It doesn't take you asking to make us sad or make us cry... Our children never leave our minds.  We become pretty good at pushing thoughts to the back of our head but we NEVER stop thinking about them.  When you illiminate our children from your vocabulary it adds that elephant in the room effect... Everyone is thinking of that child but no one wants to say it.  It's okay if it makes me cry! I cry and probably always will!

3.  Continue to invite us to social functions...

    Group activities wether family or friends are very difficult for a very long time.  It's hard to go to a function first of all because that child is no longer there and its hard to do things that that child enjoyed with you.  Secondly its hard because everyone else is missing that child/person too.  The elephant in the room no one wants to bring up but everyone is thinking about.  The sadness and overwhelming uncomfortable feeling is almost to unbearable so we decline invites or don't show up... But that doesn't mean we never want to be included again... Yes it might be years....  I've thought about this one it's kinda like we are burning our bridges because we are not reciprocating the relationships we once valued but we have had a major life change and it takes a long while to catch our breathe back and learn to live again.  Even now as I write this I feel so anxious about building relationships with people who knew me before this loss.

4.  Don't judge...

    You don not know how you would react if you lost a child.  Most parents say, "I wouldn't survive that." But Truely what does that mean?  We can't just give up and die when this happens but we do things that may not be healthy to SURVIVE.  We find a way to cope!  When we find that way to cope don't judge that doesn't help.  Have you heard the saying, "Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes don't judge them."  That applies here... We are finding a new us... A new way to live and we view life with totally different eyes.  We are not the same person and we will never be that person again.  

5.  Tell us problems in your life... The good, the bad, and the ugly...

    Yes we have gone through a change a great sorrow but does that mean we don't want to hear about your life?  No we do!  That's how relationships continue... Sharing good, bad, and ugly... Common curtesy: listen and share.  Everyone gets a turn!  

Something I have learned through this is crying is ok... It may be uncomfortable but it okay... Share your feelings.

Life's a journey... The few friends I have gained through this most difficult time of my life are priceless,,, the asked me how I was, they listened, they shared, they invited, and most of all they are not afraid to say "MIKAYLAH!"

The family and friends who knew me before... To those of you who stayed through the change... Thank you!  Love to all!

Loyal? Faithful?

Loyalty... What does that mean?

I have always described Chris, my son as a very loyal person.  He doesn't like change and when he commits to something he refuses to turn his back on it... He is loyal to not only people but decisions he makes regarding health and goals.

Each one of us can ask ourselves are we loyal?

Definition:

loyals: These are people you can trust to have your back all the time, you can close your eyes when sleeping and they got you covered or turn your back on them after handing them a knife or gun and not have to worry that they will be tempted to use it on you. They never abandon you.

Faithful to a person or a cause; firmly in alliance to somebody or something. Always there for somebody when they need you.

In some parts of my life I have been faithful... Of course the one that you need to be most faithful in I failed... Lol... MARRIAGE!  At least I'm not alone in that one.  We committed to forever but only made it about 15 years... We were faithful a lot of years and even through the hard times I wouldn't change it. I have wonderful children and I learned so much through those years...

I do believe we really tried... For the first several years I never said anything negative about him... Simple because I didn't want people to think badly about him and even after he did 18 months in anger management in house treatment program I still wanted to make it work.  I believe we had a true love for each other we just couldn't seem to make it work... Wether it was his passed, my codependency, a child with a disability... I'm not sure...

LOYAL... FAITHFUL... Hum...

I have to say I was TOTALLY and completely faithful to my children... They had my complete and full attention and there best interest was always my goal.  I put my life on hold to make sure they had everything they needed and wanted... Was this healthy?  Well I can only say I'm pretty proud of the way Chris turned out... Was it worth my own sacrifice? Absolutely...    

Loyal... To friends...

Do you have friends who have been there through thick and thin?  Have you been there for them? Have you never said a bad thing behind their back? Have you told them what you really think to their face? Have they told you a thing or two? That's what a true friend is... May not always be together but when you are its real... Its deep... Through the good and bad of this life we call a journey.

Well I NEVER dreamed I would find another man I could be loyal and loving with... Well my heart is starting to open a little each day.  Meaningful relationships make our life fun, happy, challenging, and full...  At this point in my life it always comes back to my kids... I miss the life I had, but I am enjoying the life I now have... There is no going back... Forward is the only choice.  

Maybe you have had a life change, maybe someone has not been loyal to you... That hurt can be used to make sure you are faithful and loyal don't let that hurt stop you from having full happy relationships!  We only have one life... One journey...  And we use the things that have happened to us in all the chapters of our life.

I hope there is someone or lots of someone's in your life you can dedicate this song too!

http://youtu.be/yJYXItns2ik

 

This CPS job!

Life issues...  so as a social worker with CPS there is never a truly dull moment.  Sometimes I'm amazed at the things people endure...  And sometimes I'm amazed at how similar my life is to theirs... I just chose a different way to deal with the things that come my way.

 

My day started out with a meeting with a couple who had a visit with their children... a SUPERVISED one hour visit... In a room that has a camera and microphone... I'm sitting at a computer screen listening and watching each and every move they make.  It kind of took me back to those early years when I would take the kids out and if they misbehaved or talked to loud I would be embarrassed and wonder what I should do because everyone had their eyes on me... JUDGING me... seeing what I would do.  Then sometimes I would think OMG someone is going to call CPS on us.  Well now guess what, its me they call... after the visit I sat down with the parents... today we talked about the depression that sets in when there's not enough money, or when they disagree on discipline or other life issues... what did they do when they got depressed???  Turned to drugs... laid in bed and didn't clean the house.  They let the depression take over.  How do you learn to use other coping mechanisms when you've used the same ones for 15 years?  Then I began to think... that could have been me...

My second SUPERVISED visit was with a mom that had not seen her 3 beautiful children in 3 months.  After the visit I sat down with the mom... I asked her about her relationship with the kids dad... She said didn't you read the file?  I said you know I want to hear the story first hand from you, then I want to start right now moving in a different direction... She began to tell me a story of domestic violence and how she doesn't have loving relationships with men anymore because they can't be trusted.  She said I know how to prevent future domestic violence relationships... don't get into relationships...  As she talked she suddenly said you know I think I need to see a counselor and talk about some of these feelings and dig a little deeper then what I have dug in the past.  Then I realized... this is me... this is what I did for the last 10 years... after being in a domestic violence relationship... I put all men in that category of not caring of not loving... I'm so thankful I didn't chose to cover my feelings with drugs and neglect of my children... but that could have been me...

So much of the time we judge others... like our way is always right... Yeah people make wrong choices, but we are just one step away from where they are, by making one wrong decision.  Who among us is not hiding something in our life?  A feeling... A addiction... Unforgiveness... Hatefulness... Meanness... Yeah I have people all around me telling me all the time... I need to change how I think of people... get harder... don't think good of people because most of them are not good... Well I can't do that... I don't want to change... I don't want to get hard... I want to have compassion... I want to be that one person they look back and say... they cared... Yeah I may only see one parent change, but that's okay... One is enough!

Dear Mikaylah Partin...

Dear Mikaylah,

What would I want to tell you if I could actually talk to you today?  I've been sitting here thinking... I wonder if you see me... I wonder if you think of me... What if I could send you a letter, a message?  Would it bring you happiness?  Sadness? Indifference? 

Girlie, we miss you!  Everyday seems like it is missing something without you here.  Every morning for just a few moments I think of you and how I wish I was coming in your room to get you ready for the day.  I wish I could see what you would be at 17... OMG 17... I wonder if that really bad attitude would be less, but your feisty fiery spirit would still be there.  I wonder if you would laugh till you couldn't breath and we would laugh just because you were...

Are you happy where your at?  Are you in heaven?  Are you just spirit?  Are you alone or with others?  So many questions.  Are you glad you left your pain and family and friends behind or would it had been worth it to keep the pain and stay with us?  I have to be honest girlie... I miss YOU, but I do not miss the hospitals and the pain you endured!

Mikaylah you would be so proud of Chris.  He has moved down south to be with Monique.  I know how much you liked Monique and wanted to have a sister.  They are not married, but I bet someday they will be.  Even though you are not here she will techniquely be your sister.  Your brother is so disciplined, he says that because you were always such a go getter that gives him strength to achieve anything he wants.

Guess what?  Your grandma and papa are traveling... that would drive you nuts because you would have to come home to an empty house after school.  They are having so much fun being free to just enjoy life and see things and not have to worry about the cares of this world. 

You know what Mikaylah?  I'm starting to laugh and smile and feel happy again on the inside.  At times I feel guilty for feeling happy and for moving on with life, but then I realize that that's what you would have wanted for me.  You would have wanted me to find love and to laugh like there is no tomorrow and live life to the fullest.  I'm really trying baby girl.  There are times when I feel extremely alone, but they are fewer than even a few months ago.

Your Uncle Tom needs your positive thoughts and strength baby... Aunt Carol and the boys always need you and miss you so much!  Alan played baseball and he did so good.  You would have loved being at the baseball games and you would have yelled so loud Alan would have been embarrassed.  We all miss that personality! 

Mikaylah you would be so happy they put in a middle divider in by the Jr. High... now everyone has to go to the light to cross!  No cheaters!

Baby girl there will never be a day I don't want to see your beautiful face and feel your hand holding mine.  To hear your voice and your laughter... to see your independence and the dreams you would have for yourself by now.  Just know that we are missing you ALWAYS.

Love,
Mom

PS.  If you have read this letter and want to talk to Mikaylah to let her know how your doing or if you have questions or want to vent... Please leave a letter in the comments addressed to her...

Love to all!

New People...

It hit me today... Everyone in my life is new... If you consider a year or less...  A few years ago I had people in my life that had been there for years... 

Then DEATH hit our family... Then nothing could be the same.   People... Myself included couldn't handle the "elephant" in the room.  So I made new friends.  

This was fine until today when I realized who do you call on when you don't have anyone... My boyfriend says "me" and I'm ever so thankful but what if he wasn't available...  Then what...

I've lived in Turlock the last 24 years... I moved around a lot growing up and I always wanted my kids to grow up in the same place... Why? For what?  

Building a totally new life is not easy... At times it's painful... Other times it's rewarding and warm.  I just wish there was a mix... The old and the new.  I don't blame anyone but myself... I had to pull away just so I could survive the pain.

To the very few family and friends that have stuck around thank you and I am ever so thankful we made it through the hard times... You know who you are.  

To my new friends I love you all and thank you for welcoming me into your circle.   I feel so grateful.  So even though I head to bed with tears I'm thankful and grateful for a new life... 

LIFE UPDATE... YOUR HELP IS NEEDED, LOL!!!

A brand new life is sometimes so hard to live.  I look back to 22 months ago and what my life consisted of and I can't believe how much one can change in that length of time.  How does it happen?  I look back and sometimes wonder how did I get here.  Life goes so quickly.  I tell myself its time to live.  Time to live life for myself.  Time to get out there and build friendships, find that special someone, a companion.  Life is not going to wait for me, its going to keep moving forward and I don't want to be 90 and look back and say... I wish, I should have... I want to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!  

MIKAYLAH is not wishing she were living life to the fullest.  She is living the fullest in the presence of God.  I'm very glad she does not have grief or the sense of loss, she is completely whole, completely healed!  I am thankful for that.  She wants me to be happy, she wanted that for me when she was here.

As a single mom I never really thought of getting married again.  I had to many things to keep me busy, to many responsibilities to Chris and Mikaylah and I didn't want to make a mistake and marry the wrong person.  Now I desire to have a someone to build a life with.  So everyone within ear distance be on the outlook.  You all know me and I need help finding that special someone, so if you know anyone special send them my way!!!! LOL!!!!  

This weeks work was so difficult and stressful.  Taking a little 2 day old baby from its parents at the hospital is heartbreaking.  Walking out of the hospital with such precious cargo, putting that 6 pound baby in the infant seat, and driving away was almost more responsibility then I could handle.  I kept thinking about this little baby in the back seat.  Took me back to bringing my little ones home from the hospital.  I sat in the back seat with them making sure they were okay, making sure they were safe and breathing.  This little baby sat alone in the back seat with nobody fussing over him.  HEARTBREAKING!  So many little children out there with parents who do love them, but have so many bad choices in life they cannot take care of their children.  Looking into the eyes of a parent and saying there is absolutely nothing you can do at this moment to stop this is the really bad part of my job.  

The first year Mikaylah passed away I had this tightening in my throat, I saw it as the representation of all the grief and missing and everyday I had to push it down; it wanted to come up, but I had to do all the life things so I had to push it down.  The tightening returned this week.  I had to push all the emotions down.  Stoically standing in front of the parents confronting issues, taking the baby, transporting the baby, and then writing a court document telling all the reasons why this precious baby had to be placed in protective custody.  Such a difficult job.  I now understand why there is a huge burnout amoung social workers.  

So this is the new life!  New job, new love, new life!  I'm going to love this life.  Its not anything like my previous life, its a whole NEW one.  Thanks for listening and don't forget to send those special guys my way!  HEEHEE!!!