WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE?

January 29, 2012

Well I finished the book “Heaven is For Real.”  (READ THIS BOOK IT IS VERY GOOD.)   My friend Amanda gave me the book a few weeks before Mikaylah passed.  She said it was really good and I was going to have some free time between semesters so I took it.  I didn’t realize at the time how much I would need that book.  It’s kind of funny that when you are in formal education you tend to start questioning your religious beliefs.  College is meant to make you think and to think logically about life.  Anyway, I had no idea at the time that Mikaylah would pass away just a few weeks after receiving the book.  I remember right after she passed away as Chris (my son) and I were walking through the hospital halls turning to Chris and saying, “It doesn’t matter what we believe, Mikaylah believed in heaven and she believed that when she died she was going to go there and see Grandma and Grandpa and be with Jesus forever.  She asked Jesus into her heart and was baptized this year and all that matters is she believed it and so it is true for her.”  I felt the need to say this because my son hadn’t made up his mind yet what he believes.  He doesn’t have a firm belief in God or in heaven so I wanted to make sure he knew that what she believed is true for her.  It’s funny that right after her death I no longer wondered what happens when we die.  Before her death I wasn’t sure.  I have had many discussions with people about end times and about where people go before the trumpet sounds, but not now.  Now I know that when you die you go to heaven with God.  WHY do I know this, because I have to know this.  I have to know that Jesus is taking care of my girl, that he is keeping her safe and that she no longer deals with any physical elements and is not sad even for one moment.  One moment changed my whole life. 

                Back to the book, in the book Colton (the boy who experienced heaven at 4) met a sister his mom had miscarriage.  I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks in 1999, I am praying that Mikaylah has met up with her sister or brother.  Colton also described a great grandfather that was in heaven that he had never met, but met when he went to heaven.  I know Mikaylah has met up with Her Grandma’s and Grandpa’s.  I remember last year when her Great Grandma Nelson died at the funeral Mikaylah wrote a letter and had Chris read it because she was just too upset to.  She said, “Grandma I know you were not ready to go yet.”  After all this happened I am glad that her Grandma was there to meet her and I bet Mikaylah was glad too!  I know that when we get to heaven Mikaylah will no longer be in a wheelchair, she will be standing.  I can hardly picture her standing, but the smiles that Mikaylah had here on earth will be dim in comparison to the smile she has there as she greets me at the pearly gates.  I have hope that I will see her again someday.  No theological evidence will ever change my mind now.  I am a believer.  I have to be because I have to believe that I will be with her again someday.

WHAT DO I SAY?

What do I say?  On the video I gave the wrong date, the date the video was taken is January 28, 2012.  This is just the reality of dealing with everyday life when you have lost a child.  This is my walk through grief and so far everyday is different.  If you are unable to watch the video please email me at servant1_2000@yahoo.com. 

Hard times! Missing you!

December 3, 2011

I am overwhelmed with sadness.  I feel so lost.  The last 15 years have been all about you.  I have not been my own person for so long I don’t know if I am an individual.  I am at work today, but my mind is on you.  I know I could be calling parents and families, but my mind is on you.  I will never forget that last time you called my name, on Sunday, December 18^th at 5:00 am.  “Mom, come here.”  I said, “Why?” because I knew in my stomach that you were sick.  You never call me that early unless you really need me.  How did you get so sick so quick?  That bladder was a problem.  You were so uncomfortable in so much pain.  I wish we could have talked more, so I love you more, given you a hug so big you would have never gone away.  I feel like we never made another connection after that morning.  You never even picked up your phone again.  At the hospital you wanted water, something to drink and kept wanting to be turned.  You wanted me to rub your shoulders and I did, but you were so uncomfortable and sick.  We knew you didn’t have the flu, you were going to have to endure being sick again.  When I said goodbye to you so you could ride in the ambulance you didn’t really respond, but I told you I loved you and everything would be okay.  I kind of feel like I was wrong.  Were you giving up or just feeling really sick.  Were you tired of fighting?  I miss you Mikaylah.  I wish we would have looked into each other’s eyes every day and said I love you with meaning.  I know you loved me, but you were so into friends at this time in your life.  You were usually mad at me, but I did lay on your bed almost every night and hear about the latest drama in your life.  I am sad that you never will have a boyfriend, a first kiss, a cruise, a graduation, friends, marriage, children, and I am sad that you will not be in my life.  When I got to the hospital they were trying to stabilize you and when I came in all you could think about was getting a drink.  I told you I loved you and that I could not give you a drink.  You wanted one so bad, you even asked for apple juice.  I thought they would be able to fix you because you didn’t seem as bad this time, because you were breathing okay, but I was wrong.  When you came out of surgery and they said they had to do CPR, I still didn’t get it.  They had always saved you in the past and I thought they would now.  I was wrong.  I missed the signs.  I rubbed you, held your hand, sat by your bedside, played music for you, and talked to you.  You never looked me in the eye again.  I told you you could rest in peace and stop fighting because I knew you were tired and you didn’t want to have to be strong anymore.  I wish you had fought though.  I wish you could have beat this, but your little body was just too sick.  Your oxygen could not go to your whole body so your brain and body did not get what it needed and your body started to fail.  I’m not sure why but its okay.  I have to be okay with it because I cannot change it.  You had a 104-105 fever for over 24 hours and the doctor said your bladder was weak where the surgery was performed in July 2010, like maybe your bowel didn’t take and that why the bladder kept getting a hole.  I believe at the end it had ruptured again.  The Septic Shock was taking over all your organs.  I told them to make you comfortable and you looked peaceful.  I kept your music playing in your room and rubbed your hair and chest telling you I loved you.  Chris was completely heart broken and cried so deep.  He loved you so and wanted to protect you at all cost.  I believe you knew deep inside how much we all loved you and the meanness you showed us this last year was because you felt so bad and because you were a teenager!  We love you Mikaylah and we will never be complete again.  No more sickness, no more pain, you get to be in the hands of Jesus, running and playing in heaven.  I love you girlie!

This crazy idea came to my mind.

January 2, 2011- Should be going back to school today.

The void is unbearable I miss you so much.  The house is quite.  Midnight doesn't know what to do.  Walks around aimlessly.  I even miss the yelling already.  I miss you fighting back a smile as you yelled at Chris, I think he misses it too.  I missed waking you up today even though you hated mornings.  I got a hug every morning as I carried you to the bathroom.