Hard times! Missing you!

December 3, 2011

I am overwhelmed with sadness.  I feel so lost.  The last 15 years have been all about you.  I have not been my own person for so long I don’t know if I am an individual.  I am at work today, but my mind is on you.  I know I could be calling parents and families, but my mind is on you.  I will never forget that last time you called my name, on Sunday, December 18^th at 5:00 am.  “Mom, come here.”  I said, “Why?” because I knew in my stomach that you were sick.  You never call me that early unless you really need me.  How did you get so sick so quick?  That bladder was a problem.  You were so uncomfortable in so much pain.  I wish we could have talked more, so I love you more, given you a hug so big you would have never gone away.  I feel like we never made another connection after that morning.  You never even picked up your phone again.  At the hospital you wanted water, something to drink and kept wanting to be turned.  You wanted me to rub your shoulders and I did, but you were so uncomfortable and sick.  We knew you didn’t have the flu, you were going to have to endure being sick again.  When I said goodbye to you so you could ride in the ambulance you didn’t really respond, but I told you I loved you and everything would be okay.  I kind of feel like I was wrong.  Were you giving up or just feeling really sick.  Were you tired of fighting?  I miss you Mikaylah.  I wish we would have looked into each other’s eyes every day and said I love you with meaning.  I know you loved me, but you were so into friends at this time in your life.  You were usually mad at me, but I did lay on your bed almost every night and hear about the latest drama in your life.  I am sad that you never will have a boyfriend, a first kiss, a cruise, a graduation, friends, marriage, children, and I am sad that you will not be in my life.  When I got to the hospital they were trying to stabilize you and when I came in all you could think about was getting a drink.  I told you I loved you and that I could not give you a drink.  You wanted one so bad, you even asked for apple juice.  I thought they would be able to fix you because you didn’t seem as bad this time, because you were breathing okay, but I was wrong.  When you came out of surgery and they said they had to do CPR, I still didn’t get it.  They had always saved you in the past and I thought they would now.  I was wrong.  I missed the signs.  I rubbed you, held your hand, sat by your bedside, played music for you, and talked to you.  You never looked me in the eye again.  I told you you could rest in peace and stop fighting because I knew you were tired and you didn’t want to have to be strong anymore.  I wish you had fought though.  I wish you could have beat this, but your little body was just too sick.  Your oxygen could not go to your whole body so your brain and body did not get what it needed and your body started to fail.  I’m not sure why but its okay.  I have to be okay with it because I cannot change it.  You had a 104-105 fever for over 24 hours and the doctor said your bladder was weak where the surgery was performed in July 2010, like maybe your bowel didn’t take and that why the bladder kept getting a hole.  I believe at the end it had ruptured again.  The Septic Shock was taking over all your organs.  I told them to make you comfortable and you looked peaceful.  I kept your music playing in your room and rubbed your hair and chest telling you I loved you.  Chris was completely heart broken and cried so deep.  He loved you so and wanted to protect you at all cost.  I believe you knew deep inside how much we all loved you and the meanness you showed us this last year was because you felt so bad and because you were a teenager!  We love you Mikaylah and we will never be complete again.  No more sickness, no more pain, you get to be in the hands of Jesus, running and playing in heaven.  I love you girlie!