Summer

I think this is going to be a long summer...  I need something to keep me busy and its not cleaning.  I hate cleaning my house.  I hate cooking, grocery shopping, and anything that says domestic engineer.  I'm through with all that!  Hahahahahaha!  Actually I can never be done with all that stuff because I can't afford a house keeper, lawn keeper, or a cook!  Reality!  Its very hard being at home.  School and friends have kept me from going absolutely crazy, so now what do I do to keep from going crazy? 

Last night I couldn't sleep and Chris couldn't sleep either, we were passing each other in the hall at 3:00 am.  I wonder why we can't sleep.  My head feels like its going to explode.  I think of her every second.  I know there are so many things I can think of about life.  Chris, my parents, family, friends, school, work, internship, projects, but she consumes my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Last night I even wrote to the nurse at Spina Bifida Clinic that followed us from the day Mikaylah was born.  She is a great friend and came into the hospital shortly after Mikaylah passed away.  After Mikaylah died I did not go back into the room and now I wish I had because I wonder if she looked peaceful, I just wish I had taken that last opportunity to hug and love her.  Then I also asked her how the doctors and nurses were when she went in.  Did they agree with the decision to stop maintaining life?  It kills me everyday to think about it.  Did I make the right decision?  Would she have recovered if we would have fought a little harder?  All those questions consume me.  I received the following email this morning,

 "Mikayla did look very peaceful and it is totally understandable that you did not go back in her room.  Most importantly you were with her when she passed just as you were always with her thru the hard times as well as the wonderful times.  I can tell you that everyone supported your decision and commented on how you handled such a tragic situation with such dignity and love for Mikayla."

I really wish things had turned out differently.  I hate that she will not graduate from Jr. High next week.  I hate that we will not be sleeping in this summer.  I hate that she will not be taking any road trips with me.  I hate that I don't hear her laugh or scream or text or talk.  I miss her and this summer seems unbearable already.  

How do we go from...

Just months old. Look at the life. When Mikaylah was born and they said she would be retarded and never walk. We told the doctors, "who are you to say that her life is not worth as much as a "normal" life." Mikaylah was full of life and full of inspiration. I am so glad we didn't look at the glass half empty.

 To this...

As I watched you take your last breath you left this world and entered another one. 

On this earth this is all we have of your physical being...

My heart aches for you and always will.  I will choose to celebrate the time between your birth and death, but it isn't easy because I am caught in the missing you more than anything stage! 

Missing Mikaylah

I awake each morning to start a new day
But the pain of losing you never goes away.
I go about the things I have to do
And as the hours pass I think again of you.
I want to just hear your voice, your giggle, and even your yelling
Then I remember that I have no choice
For you are not there and now my heart cries
Just to see you again to tell you goodbye
To say Mikaylah I love you and I always will
The day that you left I just didn't know
And now all my memories of you are so dear
But gosh, how I miss you and wish you were here.
It’s so hard to tell you goodbye.
Someday I know all will be well
And I'll see you again with stories to tell
Of how you were missed
And how good it is to finally be home.
Until then my memories of you I'll keep near
And I'll pass them on to those who are dear.
I miss you my daughter. My forever 14 girlie!

If you haven't seen the balloon release you can watch the following video. It was a very touching time of remembering Mikaylah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvucLiRxnbc

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow!

As I drove to my job in Merced today every song made me cry.  I was like, "Tammy pull it together.  You have no reason to cry right now."  By the time I got inside I had pulled on my mask and had a smile.  When people asked how I was, I said, "Good."  I would never say, "Bad I cried all the way here."  They could probably tell I had been crying. 

Anyway, on the way home I was thinking about when I first started working at the Arts Council and about 2010 when Mikaylah went to work with me, when school was out for the summer.  She would go with me and just hang out and talk to anyone who would listen.  People loved having her there.  She spent most of her time on the phone texting.  Some time on my computer.  Then in the afternoon she would head down the street to Playhouse for a summer program of acting!  She worked so hard that summer, wheeling herself down there keeping up with everyone!  She wanted so much to just be like everyone else and to be apart of the group.  At the end of the weeks they put on a play!  She was proud and I was so proud of her.  It was fun to see her participate in a extra curricular activity. 

Anyway... back to the way home.  I remember last year as I made that drive time after time.  It always seemed beautiful.  My outlook on life was so different.  Every where I drive now things seem so dark.  That is not because its dark outside, its because its dark in my head and in my heart.  I began to ask myself... "Will the sun ever shine again?" And the song that came to mind was... (listen for yourself.)



http://youtu.be/qocqXSuFveg







Twenty five years ago in Springtown Texas I performed this song, crazy I know!  At that time I had no idea I would be here 25 years later and I wonder where I will be 25 years from now.  Time will only tell.  I know the sun has to come out sometime!