Summer

I think this is going to be a long summer...  I need something to keep me busy and its not cleaning.  I hate cleaning my house.  I hate cooking, grocery shopping, and anything that says domestic engineer.  I'm through with all that!  Hahahahahaha!  Actually I can never be done with all that stuff because I can't afford a house keeper, lawn keeper, or a cook!  Reality!  Its very hard being at home.  School and friends have kept me from going absolutely crazy, so now what do I do to keep from going crazy? 

Last night I couldn't sleep and Chris couldn't sleep either, we were passing each other in the hall at 3:00 am.  I wonder why we can't sleep.  My head feels like its going to explode.  I think of her every second.  I know there are so many things I can think of about life.  Chris, my parents, family, friends, school, work, internship, projects, but she consumes my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Last night I even wrote to the nurse at Spina Bifida Clinic that followed us from the day Mikaylah was born.  She is a great friend and came into the hospital shortly after Mikaylah passed away.  After Mikaylah died I did not go back into the room and now I wish I had because I wonder if she looked peaceful, I just wish I had taken that last opportunity to hug and love her.  Then I also asked her how the doctors and nurses were when she went in.  Did they agree with the decision to stop maintaining life?  It kills me everyday to think about it.  Did I make the right decision?  Would she have recovered if we would have fought a little harder?  All those questions consume me.  I received the following email this morning,

 "Mikayla did look very peaceful and it is totally understandable that you did not go back in her room.  Most importantly you were with her when she passed just as you were always with her thru the hard times as well as the wonderful times.  I can tell you that everyone supported your decision and commented on how you handled such a tragic situation with such dignity and love for Mikayla."

I really wish things had turned out differently.  I hate that she will not graduate from Jr. High next week.  I hate that we will not be sleeping in this summer.  I hate that she will not be taking any road trips with me.  I hate that I don't hear her laugh or scream or text or talk.  I miss her and this summer seems unbearable already.