Miraculous Mikaylah

I was going through some of my old journals and found this one from March, 1998.  Mikaylah was a year old.

 It's titled:  Miraculous Mikaylah

Mikaylah is her name.  She is beautiful.  She is my little girl.  Mikaylah was born March 17, 1997.  My pregnancy was like any other and by March 17th I was ready to have my little baby in my arms.  My doctor did not show up and the nurse delivered Mikaylah.  There was great confusion and Mikaylah was taken to the nursery.  What a night.  My first thoughts were what did I do wrong?  And my second thought was of my son Christopher.  How I had prepared him for a healthy perfect brother or sister.  Telling him he could come to the hospital and then we would bring our little baby home.  My next thought was Spina Bifida- What exactly is that?  I had heard of it about 2 months earlier at a baby store.  A couple had come in with a beautiful baby girl who was born with Spina Bifida and also had a shunt.  I remember thinking at the time as people were asking whether or not this baby would play sports, "They love their baby even if it doesn't."  Those words came back to me that night.

That first night I remember feeling shocked, helpless, and as if I was on the outside looking in.  Our ministers wife came to minister God to me and our family.  What a blessing it was to have someone pray with me through this unknowing time.  Family members began to come and the support of my cousin Janice and dear friend Tera was a God send.  Finally the time came to see Mikaylah.  Her whole back was covered and I could see nothing.  Nothing could have prepared me for what was under that bandage.  I prayed God take care of my little baby GIRL.  I realized at that time that God not I is in TOTAL control of all things.  When Mikaylah was taken that night from the hospital and taken to UCSF it felt as if I was abandoning my baby.  I wanted so desperately to comfort her, to hold her, to feed her, and just kiss all her hurts away. 

That night was a night of wondering... what is Spina Bifida, what is the outcome, will my baby die before I get there? Realizing that God owned Mikaylah and He had a plan I was right where God wanted me TOTALLY dependant on Him.

Once again here I am.  I can keep asking... why?  how could this happen?  or I can once again depend on God and become totally dependant on Him.  He had her best interest at heart 14 years ago and he had her best interest at heart 8 months ago today.  He had mercy on her and He decided to heal her and give her life abundant and to bring her home with Him. 

Back to School.

August 9th.  The summer is almost over.  Time to head back to school.  Another new season.  For the last 12 + years I have been taking my kids to back to school shopping.  New cloths and school supplies.  You might say, well thank God your out of that stage, look at the money you will save.  To me its just another change that I didn't want to make.  This is so much harder than I ever could have imagined it would be.  August always brought a sense of "back in the schedule of things."  A newness and time to make this year really count.  When Chris was younger it meant football games and early bedtimes.  For Mikaylah it meant strict schedules and hanging with friends back at school.  This year we would have been getting ready for high school.  Last year we were starting to talk about it.  She really wanted to go to Turlock High School and she wanted to walk, or should I say roll to school.  I was not to hip on the idea because there are a lot of main roads and a lot of crazy people.  I think we had pretty much settled on Pitman High because she could walk from Grandma and Papa's.  All that doesn't really matter now, because she decided to attend a higher education with God.  She doesn't have to Roll anymore she can run, walk, float...  I miss her so much.

Summer brought change.  We now have a guest room.  A few people have stayed in it!  It has different curtains, pictures, bed comforter.  Yet it has many of Mikaylah's knick knacks and memories.  I am glad my mom and dad helped me, but it was so hard.  Its hard to explain the pain that I feel.  I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out at times and yet I have to swallow to keep all the emotions down.  Sometimes I feel like there is literally something blocking my throat and I have come to realize it is just all the emotions I hold inside. 

People really do try to be nice and supportive, but they do judge.  Some think I have moved on, some think I need to move on, and some think I am so strong.  I have not moved on, I am not going to move on, and I am not strong.  My mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of Mikaylah.  Mostly of the last 72 hours of her life.  Just trying to make sense of it.  Trying to understand.  Last night I was sitting at the dinner table with Chris, my nephew Alan and his friend James.  All of the sudden my thought was, "Where's Mikaylah?"  Then it went to, "She would have hated these corn dogs and chili."  Then a real missing of her laughing and how I can't really hear it in my mind anymore.  How she loved company.  This is actually Alan's first visit to my house without Mikaylah.  There has never been a time in his life that he has visited and she wasn't here.  He refuses to sleep in the guest room and thinks her room feels funny.  Doesn't even want to use that bathroom.  That is very sad, very heart wrenching.  How do we move on without her moving on with us.  She disappeared and we will NEVER have a new memory or good time with her.  Now as I was thinking this during our dinner I had to hold my emotions down and  smile.

 Its not that I don't have good times because I do, its just that there is this blanket of dark that is there all the time. I have never felt darkness like this.  I know that God will bring me through.  I do have faith that someday things will be better, but for now my world is dark and it rains most days.  Yes I am alive.  I will be going back to school, work, and will even socialize, but life always has the blanket and I am never truly excited about the future.  How long will it take to build a new life?  Only time will tell.  So as summer comes to an end and we move into a new season I walk forward and I just may bless someone with a little shopping spree so that there will be something familiar, something normal about this back to school season.