August 9th. The summer is almost over. Time to head back to school. Another new season. For the last 12 + years I have been taking my kids to back to school shopping. New cloths and school supplies. You might say, well thank God your out of that stage, look at the money you will save. To me its just another change that I didn't want to make. This is so much harder than I ever could have imagined it would be. August always brought a sense of "back in the schedule of things." A newness and time to make this year really count. When Chris was younger it meant football games and early bedtimes. For Mikaylah it meant strict schedules and hanging with friends back at school. This year we would have been getting ready for high school. Last year we were starting to talk about it. She really wanted to go to Turlock High School and she wanted to walk, or should I say roll to school. I was not to hip on the idea because there are a lot of main roads and a lot of crazy people. I think we had pretty much settled on Pitman High because she could walk from Grandma and Papa's. All that doesn't really matter now, because she decided to attend a higher education with God. She doesn't have to Roll anymore she can run, walk, float... I miss her so much.
Summer brought change. We now have a guest room. A few people have stayed in it! It has different curtains, pictures, bed comforter. Yet it has many of Mikaylah's knick knacks and memories. I am glad my mom and dad helped me, but it was so hard. Its hard to explain the pain that I feel. I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out at times and yet I have to swallow to keep all the emotions down. Sometimes I feel like there is literally something blocking my throat and I have come to realize it is just all the emotions I hold inside.
People really do try to be nice and supportive, but they do judge. Some think I have moved on, some think I need to move on, and some think I am so strong. I have not moved on, I am not going to move on, and I am not strong. My mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of Mikaylah. Mostly of the last 72 hours of her life. Just trying to make sense of it. Trying to understand. Last night I was sitting at the dinner table with Chris, my nephew Alan and his friend James. All of the sudden my thought was, "Where's Mikaylah?" Then it went to, "She would have hated these corn dogs and chili." Then a real missing of her laughing and how I can't really hear it in my mind anymore. How she loved company. This is actually Alan's first visit to my house without Mikaylah. There has never been a time in his life that he has visited and she wasn't here. He refuses to sleep in the guest room and thinks her room feels funny. Doesn't even want to use that bathroom. That is very sad, very heart wrenching. How do we move on without her moving on with us. She disappeared and we will NEVER have a new memory or good time with her. Now as I was thinking this during our dinner I had to hold my emotions down and smile.
Its not that I don't have good times because I do, its just that there is this blanket of dark that is there all the time. I have never felt darkness like this. I know that God will bring me through. I do have faith that someday things will be better, but for now my world is dark and it rains most days. Yes I am alive. I will be going back to school, work, and will even socialize, but life always has the blanket and I am never truly excited about the future. How long will it take to build a new life? Only time will tell. So as summer comes to an end and we move into a new season I walk forward and I just may bless someone with a little shopping spree so that there will be something familiar, something normal about this back to school season.
Tammy it's been a long time since you have written on your blog & I am glad to see you on getting your feelings out because it is good for you. I just want to make a few comments. People do judge, always have, always will but it doesn't matter because they are not walking in your shoes. What matters is how you feel & what you do with those feelings. It doesn't matter if they think you have moved on or should move on...you are moving on because you have to, days pass, weeks pass & yes even years will pass but one thing for sure you will not move on without the memories of Mikaylah moving on with you. Grief is a process one day at a time & you take it however you feel that day or minute or hour. It's how YOU feel! You will have lots of times when you think where is Mikaylah or what is she doing or oh I have to take her here or there & then you realize she is not here. It's been 8 yrs since grandma passed away & there are still times when I think oh I will call mom & tell her & then I realize oh she is not here. They have always been a part of you & it's natural to think that way. When you loose that precious person that means so much it's unbearable to think they are not coming back. You say you are not strong but God says...when you are weak that's when you are strong because we call on HIM & He gets us through. You have to be strong to make it through these hard times. I don't know how you feel only you know your feelings I just know how I feel & I think of her all the time & sometimes I just start crying because I miss her so much (like now) I too remember those last 72 hrs & ask myself many questions about how this could all happen in such a short time & will last forever. I also know she was ready to go meet Jesus...yes she loved her family & yes she wanted to be with you but she didn't want the pain she was facing & now she is not in pain. We know all of this but does it make us miss her any less...no! Does it make us not wish she was here...no! We will always want her here & you will never stop missing her & you may cry for years at times & that is "A" ok. You do what you need to do for you. Time & God will bring you through these hard times & I believe you will have a day when the sun will come out! I love you so much & I am always here for you. Thanks for sharing your feelings! Mom
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