I can't seek to please God right now. I'm not sure why. My WHOLE life I have seeked to please and have tried to make good choices and decisions and honestly I am the happiest when I'm doing good for others, but right now it seems I only have time for my thoughts and God could have changed my destination, but didn't. He could have healed Mikaylah but chose not to. Why? I know we live in a fallen world I know life is not perfect and we have free choice, but if I am suppose to praise and worship God and pray to Him and aim to please Him... why can't He intervene when I really need Him. Not that He hasn't but this was like MAJOR-LIFE CHANGING. I know in my head/ or that the right way to think is because He could see the future, He knew what Mikaylah may have to endure later, but right now I just can't accept that as an answer.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Birthday's In Heaven?
So yesterday was my Grandma Mercer's birthday. She passed away May 26, 2004. I miss her. I started wondering if Mikaylah was helping her celebrate the day. Mikaylah had a special bond with Grandma, I want to say the bond got stronger after Grandma passed away. Mikaylah was given a little quilt that was Grandma's, and from the day she got it she slept with it. She used it for comfort. It literally went to the hospital, into surgeries, and on every vacation or overnight stay we had. Mikaylah would cry the few times we forgot it. It wasn't like she was a little toddler when she got it, it was just her connection with Grandma and I think to heaven too. I'm sure when Mikaylah arrived in heaven she no longer needed her blanket because her Grandma was there.
I started to think about birthdays here on earth. I have to say that NOTHING can top the feelings I had the day my kids were born. The feelings of complete love, the love that no matter what NOTHING can stop it. Different than any other kind of love. Its a love that never ends, never gets less. I also felt a complete sense of responsibility, that physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, developmentally, I had to bring this little baby to adulthood someday and that the goal was to raise a happy, loving, society involved, relational, productive adult. The responsibility was so heavy but yet wouldn't trade it for anything. There was also this overwhelming feeling of FEAR. Fear that I would fail, but that fear did not keep me from that first feeling of complete LOVE. I was so incredible PROUD of my kids at birth. They hadn't even accomplished anything, but I wanted to show everyone my wonderful and cutest children! When my kids were born I already had DREAMS for them. For some reason I always thought Chris would be involved in sports and Mikaylah I thought would motivate others!
Well I like to think Mikaylah planned and celebrated with Grandma yesterday. Celebrated what? The life she had on earth? But really her Death Date is her new birth date, because that was the day she was born into heaven her forever home! I wonder if in heaven that is the new birthday or if you celebrate on that day. I wonder if God is as happy to see people enter heaven as we were the day we gave birth to our children. I would like to think so. That our saddest, most unhappiest day, the day someone dies is actually one of their happiest days. As morbid as that sounds we would not want our loved ones to feel what we are feeling. It comforts me to know Mikaylah is enjoying Grandma and that she is happily walking around with her!
I started to think about birthdays here on earth. I have to say that NOTHING can top the feelings I had the day my kids were born. The feelings of complete love, the love that no matter what NOTHING can stop it. Different than any other kind of love. Its a love that never ends, never gets less. I also felt a complete sense of responsibility, that physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, developmentally, I had to bring this little baby to adulthood someday and that the goal was to raise a happy, loving, society involved, relational, productive adult. The responsibility was so heavy but yet wouldn't trade it for anything. There was also this overwhelming feeling of FEAR. Fear that I would fail, but that fear did not keep me from that first feeling of complete LOVE. I was so incredible PROUD of my kids at birth. They hadn't even accomplished anything, but I wanted to show everyone my wonderful and cutest children! When my kids were born I already had DREAMS for them. For some reason I always thought Chris would be involved in sports and Mikaylah I thought would motivate others!
Well I like to think Mikaylah planned and celebrated with Grandma yesterday. Celebrated what? The life she had on earth? But really her Death Date is her new birth date, because that was the day she was born into heaven her forever home! I wonder if in heaven that is the new birthday or if you celebrate on that day. I wonder if God is as happy to see people enter heaven as we were the day we gave birth to our children. I would like to think so. That our saddest, most unhappiest day, the day someone dies is actually one of their happiest days. As morbid as that sounds we would not want our loved ones to feel what we are feeling. It comforts me to know Mikaylah is enjoying Grandma and that she is happily walking around with her!
Monday, September 3, 2012
WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?
IT'S WHY DAY... SO MANY TIMES WE DON'T SAY THE WORDS OUT LOUD BECAUSE WE WANT TO ACCEPT WHAT COMES OUR WAY. WE WANT TO ACCEPT THAT THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE HAS OUR BACK AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART, BUT TODAY I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM MAD! AT WHO I DO NOT KNOW... I GUESS AT THE SITUATION, AT GOD, AT ME, AT MIKAYLAH, AT THE DOCTORS, JUST ANYONE THAT HAD A HAND IN THIS!
WHY? THAT'S THE QUESTION. WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING SO DIFFERENT AND BAD? WHY? DIDN'T HER DOCTORS MONITOR HER MORE AFTER 6 AND A HALF WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL? WHY? DID SHE GIVE UP? WHY? DIDN'T SHE FIGHT HARDER TO STAY WITH US? SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE.
I MISS HER. MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. I HATE MY LIFE NOW. CHRIS IS GROWN UP, WHAT DO I DO NOW? I WANT HER BACK- I WANT THAT SMILE AND SASSY ATTITUDE. I MISS HER- SO AGAIN I ASK WHY?
(For those family and friends who worry non stop about me, know that I am not suicidal. I just have to get these feeling out and onto paper. Thank you for your support and love and prayers! You are all priceless to me! Love to all.)
WHY? THAT'S THE QUESTION. WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING SO DIFFERENT AND BAD? WHY? DIDN'T HER DOCTORS MONITOR HER MORE AFTER 6 AND A HALF WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL? WHY? DID SHE GIVE UP? WHY? DIDN'T SHE FIGHT HARDER TO STAY WITH US? SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE.
I MISS HER. MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. I HATE MY LIFE NOW. CHRIS IS GROWN UP, WHAT DO I DO NOW? I WANT HER BACK- I WANT THAT SMILE AND SASSY ATTITUDE. I MISS HER- SO AGAIN I ASK WHY?
(For those family and friends who worry non stop about me, know that I am not suicidal. I just have to get these feeling out and onto paper. Thank you for your support and love and prayers! You are all priceless to me! Love to all.)
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)