How Great Thou Art

Then sings my soul, my savior God to Thee, How great thou art, how great thou art, how great thou art, HOW GREAT THOU ART.

Hymns have always been a part of my life.  I never remember a time as I look back without hymns.  Even as churches began to bring modern music in, I still felt there was nothing to compare to hymns. I would hear people say, "I don't like the hymnal, Its outdated, That's for the old people."  I still liked them.  My nephew and brother both have given me hymnals for gifts.  I grew up hearing my grandpa, uncles, mom, aunts, cousins, sing those hymns.  It was more than just the music- its the words.  The last few years hymns have made a reappearance in churches and on the radio- of coarse the music is different, but the words are the same.    Hymns bring people together.  As I was getting in the shower this morning How Great Thou Art came to mind and I began to sing it.  That's right, the none singer I am began to sing it.  Then I went to YouTube and found this beautiful video.  You can see people in the audience tearing up as feelings start coming to life about how great God is.  I ask myself how can hymns have that effect?  I'm not sure other than the fact hymns bring me to a happy place on the inside.  A secure place- knowing that God has a plan and that life is not in vain.  A place of family dinners and guitar playing.  A place of complete thankfulness of who God is, who He represents.  Take a few minutes to listen to Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill.  It's beautiful!



http://youtu.be/pLLMzr3PFgk

GRANDMA NELSON

Grandma Nelson.  The name stands alone.  Always a picture of perfection.  Morally right.  Trustworthy.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Organized.  Prayerful.  Exercise.  Status.  When I think of my Grandma it brings memories of Easter, Christmas, and Thanksgiving.  It brings memories of summer vacations with swimming, taco night and General Hospital.  Grandma passed away on January 14, 2011.  I cannot believe two years have passed since I have seen or heard her.  The night she died I was in her hospital room and I had the chance to see my Aunt Michele comfort her mother like no one else could.  It changes a person seeing them go from this world to the next. 

Journal Entry from 1-15-11
Grandma Nelson was in the hospital recovering from intestine surgery.  She went into the hospital with severe pain in her back and stomach.  Her intestines had a "kink" in them.  She had surgery on Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning @ 12:45 am.  By 5:00 am she was in ICU on a ventilator.  They said her heart stopped three times during surgery and they didn't know if she would make it.  Wednesday she slept all morning and they took the tube out around 3:00.  She was breathing on her own, but was very agitated.  She was anxious and couldn't relax without medication.  Thursday when I went to visit Grandma was awake off and on.  When I said, "Hi Grandma" she said, "Hi Dear."  Grandma always called me Dear.  I figured it was because I was dear to her.  Tom and Dan came to visit her.  She said, "Hi Daniel."  I'm not sure if she really recognized anyone else but she was smiling and I thought she may be recovering a little.  On Friday when my mom got to the hospital they told her Grandma had MRSA which is a infection that is resistant to antibiotics.  She was also very labored in breathing.  As the day went on her blood pressure was low and by evening the doctor wanted to put the tube back in.  I asked if that was life support and he said yes.  I went and got my dad and Uncle Gary to come talk to the doctor. 

Aunt Michele stayed with Grandma from around 8:00 pm till Grandma went to heaven at 11:09.  I have never seen anything like Aunt Michele; she talked, prayed, recited scripture, sang hymns and comforted Grandma as she went through her last hours on earth.  I learned more about the Nelson family in those last hours, more than I had learned in my entire life. 

*She recited the Lord's Prayer many times and talked about how Grandma had taught them the Lord's Prayer and all her Grandkids.  How they held hand and said the prayer before each meal.  She said, "Thank you for teaching us.  We love the prayer and have plaques to remind us."

*"Yeah though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."  Mother there's no need to fear because God is with you.  No evil can hurt you.  God is love.  Remember as a child you told me God is love and I'm sure your mom told you that and her mom told her that.  God is love and He loves you Mother.

*"I go to prepare a place for you."  Mother God prepared a place for you.  It will be organized and clean and you will never have to worry about anything being dirty again everything will be perfect.

*Tell Linda I love her and miss her.  Tell her.  You will be able to give her a big hug.  She will be waiting for you.  Give her a hug for me.

*Let's put on the armor of God.  Breastplate of righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, Belt of Truth, Sword which is the Word of God, feet is Gospel of peace, and when you have done everything just STAND.

So much time has passed.  Little did I know that I would see two people enter the kingdom of Heaven in 2011.  That has to change a person.  My heart is so different then before.  I almost do not even recognize the person I am becoming.  I didn't want life to change.  I wanted Grandma to live ten minutes down the street for longer.  I enjoyed going to her, "Five star Hotel" having dinner with her and seeing her.  She had a gentle way about her.  We liked reading the same books and she enjoyed seeing my kids.  She thought Chris looked like Grandpa Nelson and she taught him the tradition of making Beer Bread.  She had a soft spot for Mikaylah and Mikaylah loved Grandma.  I remember at Grandma's memorial service Mikaylah asked Chris to read a note for her.  She said Grandma wasn't ready to leave because she was enjoying her life here.  Now I realize that it doesn't matter if you want to leave this earth, when it's your time you have to go.  When your body tires you have to go.  You have to go to the place that was prepared for you.  I like to think of Grandma standing there in her perfect way ushering Mikaylah into her eternal place.  Death is hard and so final.  Chris said it so perfectly a few months ago, "When you are with someone when they leave/ die, a little bit of yourself goes with them and after that you can never be exactly who you were before."    I have learned that so well this past year, its painful finding the new person you have to become when your life turns upside down.  I pray that as time passes the person I become is as productive, loving, happy, peaceful, strong, and content as the person I was before and even more so.

2013- A New Year

It’s 2013 and just like many others I am hoping that this year holds more happiness than the last.  I’m hoping that I can start dreaming some new dreams and meet some goals.  At times I feel a little guilty that I am thinking of the future and the things to come, because moving ahead means making a life without Mikaylah.  I know she will always be part of me and I will always remember the times we had together, but she does not have a future.  Her future is in another place and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty because she is moving forward in her new future, her eternity.

Well I really can’t wait till May… GRADUATION!  I will have my masters of social work.  And I have worked hard for that piece of paper that will hopefully get me a good job.  Four more classes, thesis, and 250 more hours of internship.  Many late nights, group projects, and lots of reading, May will not come soon enough.  I can’t believe that I have been in school for about 33 years of my life.  I never want to go back.  If I ever say I’m going back to school I hope everyone loves me enough to stop me, stand in my way, and remind me of how much I don’t want to go to school.  It has been one heck of a journey.  I must be the most patient and persistent person alive.  I encourage each of you to reach for your dream, never give up, and don’t just wish you were doing something; put one foot in front of the other and just start taking small steps and you will eventually get there.

I am officially looking for work.  Putting resumes and cover letters in throughout the state of California.  I really want to do hospital social work, but Child Protective Services paid for my masters and in return I either have to pay back $40,000 or spend two years working for CPS anywhere in the state of California.  I figure if I get a really good job I can pay it back, but most likely I am going to have to work for them.  It’s not that I don’t want to help children and families; it’s just that there are so many hard decisions that have to be made for others and there are so many very sad things that happen to children.  Hospital social work will be so very sad at times, but I know that with my experience I can help other families go through some really hard times.

My weight and health have to be addressed this year.  I can no longer just let it go.  I have not been to the doctor since 1999.  Any ache or pain I ignore because I know what they will say.  I’m obese so every problem I have is related to my weight.  I have tried many times to lose weight and I have succeeded, but time and time again I fall off the weight loss wagon and then it takes me about two years to get back on.  My cousin was going to get rid of some Medi Fast and she gave it to me.  It’s only a month’s supply but I’m hoping that it will give me a head start.  That it will help me get motivated and on track.  Chris got me some vitamin powder and I feel confident that I can have some success.  I know losing weight will make me feel better physically and mentally. 

So even though I have much sadness and grief that exhausts me I am looking to the future.  Building my NEW NORMAL.  It’s not what I wanted to do but it’s what I have to do.  I know that many of you reading this also have things that are holding you back, things that follow you everywhere you go.  Maybe it’s a fear, death of a loved one, bad marriage, relationships, work, or depression, anxiety, or panic.  Maybe it’s time to face what’s holding you back.  Talk to a friend, seek out help from professionals, spend some time thinking about what you want to accomplish this year.  Love you all!