2013- A New Year

It’s 2013 and just like many others I am hoping that this year holds more happiness than the last.  I’m hoping that I can start dreaming some new dreams and meet some goals.  At times I feel a little guilty that I am thinking of the future and the things to come, because moving ahead means making a life without Mikaylah.  I know she will always be part of me and I will always remember the times we had together, but she does not have a future.  Her future is in another place and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty because she is moving forward in her new future, her eternity.

Well I really can’t wait till May… GRADUATION!  I will have my masters of social work.  And I have worked hard for that piece of paper that will hopefully get me a good job.  Four more classes, thesis, and 250 more hours of internship.  Many late nights, group projects, and lots of reading, May will not come soon enough.  I can’t believe that I have been in school for about 33 years of my life.  I never want to go back.  If I ever say I’m going back to school I hope everyone loves me enough to stop me, stand in my way, and remind me of how much I don’t want to go to school.  It has been one heck of a journey.  I must be the most patient and persistent person alive.  I encourage each of you to reach for your dream, never give up, and don’t just wish you were doing something; put one foot in front of the other and just start taking small steps and you will eventually get there.

I am officially looking for work.  Putting resumes and cover letters in throughout the state of California.  I really want to do hospital social work, but Child Protective Services paid for my masters and in return I either have to pay back $40,000 or spend two years working for CPS anywhere in the state of California.  I figure if I get a really good job I can pay it back, but most likely I am going to have to work for them.  It’s not that I don’t want to help children and families; it’s just that there are so many hard decisions that have to be made for others and there are so many very sad things that happen to children.  Hospital social work will be so very sad at times, but I know that with my experience I can help other families go through some really hard times.

My weight and health have to be addressed this year.  I can no longer just let it go.  I have not been to the doctor since 1999.  Any ache or pain I ignore because I know what they will say.  I’m obese so every problem I have is related to my weight.  I have tried many times to lose weight and I have succeeded, but time and time again I fall off the weight loss wagon and then it takes me about two years to get back on.  My cousin was going to get rid of some Medi Fast and she gave it to me.  It’s only a month’s supply but I’m hoping that it will give me a head start.  That it will help me get motivated and on track.  Chris got me some vitamin powder and I feel confident that I can have some success.  I know losing weight will make me feel better physically and mentally. 

So even though I have much sadness and grief that exhausts me I am looking to the future.  Building my NEW NORMAL.  It’s not what I wanted to do but it’s what I have to do.  I know that many of you reading this also have things that are holding you back, things that follow you everywhere you go.  Maybe it’s a fear, death of a loved one, bad marriage, relationships, work, or depression, anxiety, or panic.  Maybe it’s time to face what’s holding you back.  Talk to a friend, seek out help from professionals, spend some time thinking about what you want to accomplish this year.  Love you all!