5 Things to do if you know someone who has lost a child...

This blog entry comes from an article I posted on my Facebook this week... To tell you the truth I didn't think anyone would read it but the response was very encouraging... I received the following personal message from a friend:

Tammy,

After reading the post about losing a child, many times, I have a question for you.  How does someone who has not gone through the lost of a child interact with someone who has.  I know that when I learned of Makalias passing, I felt so sad and I really didn't know what to say to you to express the sorrow I felt.  Even after seeing you a few weeks ago it felt like I was on guard all the time.  I wanted to interact with you in more deep way, but the occasion was more of a social event. 

If this post would have given more guidance for people to get pass the feeling of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time it would have been so much enlighten.

"Name was removed"

This message got me thinking how can someone who has not lost a child interact with someone who has... I began thinking of the few people who have broken the barrier and started or continued a relationship... I came up with the following 10 things...

1.  Ask, "How are you?"

    People who know of our loss stop asking that question because they assume we are not doing well.  But "How are you?" Is a normal way to start a conversation and when you illiminate it that tells us you don't want to know how we are... But you have to be ready for the response... Just like any other person we are not asking you to fix us when we say we are having a bad day we are just looking for support, a listening ear...

2.  Say our child's name...

    You may think by bringing up our child's name it will make us sad or make us cry... Guess what? It doesn't take you asking to make us sad or make us cry... Our children never leave our minds.  We become pretty good at pushing thoughts to the back of our head but we NEVER stop thinking about them.  When you illiminate our children from your vocabulary it adds that elephant in the room effect... Everyone is thinking of that child but no one wants to say it.  It's okay if it makes me cry! I cry and probably always will!

3.  Continue to invite us to social functions...

    Group activities wether family or friends are very difficult for a very long time.  It's hard to go to a function first of all because that child is no longer there and its hard to do things that that child enjoyed with you.  Secondly its hard because everyone else is missing that child/person too.  The elephant in the room no one wants to bring up but everyone is thinking about.  The sadness and overwhelming uncomfortable feeling is almost to unbearable so we decline invites or don't show up... But that doesn't mean we never want to be included again... Yes it might be years....  I've thought about this one it's kinda like we are burning our bridges because we are not reciprocating the relationships we once valued but we have had a major life change and it takes a long while to catch our breathe back and learn to live again.  Even now as I write this I feel so anxious about building relationships with people who knew me before this loss.

4.  Don't judge...

    You don not know how you would react if you lost a child.  Most parents say, "I wouldn't survive that." But Truely what does that mean?  We can't just give up and die when this happens but we do things that may not be healthy to SURVIVE.  We find a way to cope!  When we find that way to cope don't judge that doesn't help.  Have you heard the saying, "Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes don't judge them."  That applies here... We are finding a new us... A new way to live and we view life with totally different eyes.  We are not the same person and we will never be that person again.  

5.  Tell us problems in your life... The good, the bad, and the ugly...

    Yes we have gone through a change a great sorrow but does that mean we don't want to hear about your life?  No we do!  That's how relationships continue... Sharing good, bad, and ugly... Common curtesy: listen and share.  Everyone gets a turn!  

Something I have learned through this is crying is ok... It may be uncomfortable but it okay... Share your feelings.

Life's a journey... The few friends I have gained through this most difficult time of my life are priceless,,, the asked me how I was, they listened, they shared, they invited, and most of all they are not afraid to say "MIKAYLAH!"

The family and friends who knew me before... To those of you who stayed through the change... Thank you!  Love to all!