Dear Mikaylah,

Dear Mikaylah,
Today I really missed you.  I missed hearing your voice yelling at me to get you out of bed and then begging me to not make you do routine since it was Saturday.  I missed you asking me to make pancakes and then you making them with me and us eating together.  I missed helping you get dressed and ready for the day.  I missed putting you in the car and going to Orchard with me.  You would have loved picking out flowers for our porches and yard.  I picked pink, purple, white, and blue.  Most of your favorites.  I missed hearing you laugh through the store and you talking to every person that goes by.  I missed being stared at by little kids and everyone knowing you.  No one knows me.  I missed you asking me to push you and me saying no and running from you!  I missed you being outside talking to the neighbors while I did yard work.  They missed you too!  I try not to be mad at you or God, but I can't help it sometimes.  Sometimes I am so overtaken by sorrow I just get mad.  I miss you so much I would like to just lay in bed and give in to despair, but then I remember there is life to live even though I am sad.  I am different.  I have no light in my heart.  Even when I really try and I get things done I still have no life in me.  I went to El Rosel's with friends tonight and had a great time, but as I was wondering what to get I could hear your voice ordering chicken nuggets after begging me to take you to a Mexican food restaurant.  As I pulled up to the theater I remembered so many Saturday nights that we would go see movies and sit in the front row.  As I got home tonight your brother met me for a confession time, he went to a casino today and guess what he won, 300.00.  WOW beginners luck.  He wants to go to the mall tomorrow.  If you were here I know you would be begging him to give you some of that money so you could go shopping too!  And a few minutes ago I  was reading Grandma and Papa's blog they are having so much fun.  They went to Julie's tonight!  We all know how you loved it there.  I wrote a comment and at the end I put WE miss you and for a moment I thought I was speaking for the three of us and then I remembered that there are only two of us.  I miss you every second of every day and my life will never be completely whole again.  Sweetie I hope everyday you are enjoying your new home and that you are totally whole.  That is the only thing that brings peace.  I love you girlie, Mom

Survived!

It's Monday... I survived... I don't know how.  It was the strength I got from family and friends and all those candles and birthday wishes to my forever fourteen girlie!  I told you all when I started this blog it was honest and I am having challenging days lately.  Sometimes I can't stop shaking and I feel like fainting.  Sometimes I have to lay down and sleep so my mind will stop moving.  Sometimes I can't fall asleep till 4 in the morning.  Sometimes my heart beats so fast I feel like it is pounding out of my chest.  Sometimes little things seem huge.  And all the time my mind will not stop thinking of her.  I think I am in denial, everyday I still wake up and I can't believe this has happened then I look at a picture and it makes me cry because she is not here.  I hear a song and it reminds me of her.  She was so loved by everyone.  I just keep saying I can't believe it and I wish she could have been here to see how much she was really loved.  I wonder if she knew she had so many people who were inspired by her, I wonder if she knew that there were so many who would celebrate her birthday with her, I wonder if she knew that everyone loved her smile and her laugh.  I wonder if she knew she had the most beautiful eyes ever.  I wonder if she knew that I loved her more than words can say... I will never know what she knew because she is no longer here she can't tell me. 

Tonight I have a special treat for you!  My mom wrote a poem, from Mikaylah to us and she made a video reading the poem.  I am so proud of my mom.  She is a special Grandma and spent many hours caring for Mikaylah.  She was the second mom!  Thank you mom for sharing with all of us!  Love you!

http://youtu.be/zSuqsRrY1y4

TJH Remembering Mikaylah

This morning it was up early and out to the TJH!  Today since her birthday is tomorrow they were honoring her on the Morning Show!  Earlier this week I headed to the Junior High and recorded a message for the student body.  So you can listen for yourself.  Chris recorded it on my IPHONE and he recorded it while it played on the TV.  So the quality isn't the best but you can see and hear!  I want to say a special THANK YOU to Mr. Norton he has put so much time and effort into making sure Mikaylah is remembered and I will never forget that!  Thank you to all the TJH!

http://youtu.be/FKcKC33y-pY

This is a picture of the beautiful plaque they presented to me and there is a identical one hanging in the library.  I think it is lovely and very touching and PERFECT.  She will be remembered FOREVER!

 Ms. De Tomasi painted this beautiful picture for me and Chris.  She shared in the card, "Mikaylah often talked to me about going to Pismo Beach.  She always had great family outings to tell me about!  Her family meant everything to her!"  Thank you so much Ms. De Tomasi you can't possible know how much this means to me.  It touches the deepest part of my soul!

A Big Thank you goes out to my wonderful son who did not want to go because its just to hard for going with me and supporting me and honoring Mikaylah.  Thank you Janice for being part of this morning and I'm so glad you were able to see how much she was loved.  And Christina you are a great support person, thanks for being there!  Love to all!

Spring Flowers

Mrs. Pellegrini and Christina

What a day!  Crowell Elementary School.  So many memories.  Mikaylah was home school Kindergarten and first grade and started public school at Crowell School.  She went there 2nd-6th grade.  She loved Crowell and every person there!  Every year she had wonderful teachers.  I thank God for that.  Even after Mikaylah went to TJH when we would pass Crowell she would say, "I sure miss Crowell, I wish I could go back."  This past Halloween she even went to help out at the Halloween Carnival.  She had such a great time and it was the first time I had ever left her to volunteer without me and when I picked her up she felt so grown up and was so happy that she went.  After Mikaylah passed away, Christina a parent and employee of TUSD asked if they could plant some flowers in Mikaylah's honor.  You have to understand Christina and Mikaylah have the same feisty personality, they would torture each other.  Christina showed me her phone today and Mikaylah was texting with her on Dec. 17th the day before she went into the hospital.  Mrs. Pellegrini, a caring teacher at Crowell School helped plant the flowers and take care of them with the help of many students.  Mrs. Pellegrini helped teach Mikaylah how to play the violin when she was at Crowell.  I remember the concert Mikaylah's 5th grade year.  She was sitting next to Mrs. Pellegrini, I felt sorry for her because Mikaylah never got the hang of playing the violin and I'm sure it hurt her ears!!  Thank you so much CROWELL SCHOOL and all the staff and every student!  It brightened my day to see the blooming flowers today and I don't think its accident that they are blooming in Mikaylah's birthday week!

Ms. Handosh (Mikaylah's 5th Grade Teacher) and Me

Listen to the following video to hear Mikaylah's Autobiography from Ms. Handosh 5th grade class.

http://youtu.be/62noAeY6dJU

Christmas is over!

It's officially over!  I don't know if we will have Christmas in 2012.  I think we will leave town for a few weeks.  I know in my head that Christmas is about Christ and His birth, but my heart says no its about family, friends, and time together making memories.  My next Christmas will be spent missing Mikaylah.  No matter how much I laugh and have fun I am always missing her.  Christmas in 2011 before that terrible 72 hours was so good.  We had a great time getting our tree.  Mikaylah was being a real pickle before we went and I threatened to take her home, but Chris stepped in and said, "Mom, no she has to go."  So we went, first we went to Lowe's didn't have much then headed to a new one over where the car lot used to be.  It was perfect because it was a parking lot and it wasn't muddy and wet for the wheelchair.  Chris and Mikaylah discovered that they liked the same kind of full trees and tall!  The tree was beautiful this year.  Chris put up blue lights, Mikaylah's favorite color right now and one day while she was at school I put up blue Christmas lights in her room.  She loved them!  You know I never turned those lights out and they just went out this last week!  No more blue lights!  The day she got sick, December 18th, we were suppose to go to the Nutcracker.  Family tradition every year.  Mikaylah had been helping me get ready for the big dinner by polishing the silver to earn money for shopping.  On December 15th after her doctor appointment in San Francisco we went to the mall and shopped.  She took back a few things and was able to spend the money buying some gifts.  The perfect Christmas season until December 18th and then 72 hours later she was having a Christmas celebration in Heaven.  It doesn't help me today to know she was happy in heaven celebrating because I am here and I am missing her desperately.  Before this weekend we had Christmas lights up and Chris was adamant about not taking them down, but I had to do it.  I took down the lights and now Christmas will never be the same.  If we do have Christmas in December, which I am sure we will, we will have to make it completely different.  Maybe we will do green or yellow lights or maybe we will take a cruise or spend it at the beach.  I do want to be with family, its just really hard.  There is nothing easy about any of this. 

So Cute!

Look at those faces!  Christmas Torture!

Confusion surrounds me.  I feel so lost, but yet I can't be.  When I wake up its the same thing everyday.  Like wow I don't feel any different.  I remember when my kids were little I would wake up singing to them.  "Good Morning, Good Morning how are you today?  May God richly bless throughout the day.  I love you I love you (Christopher/ Mikaylah Grace)"  Now I wake up asking myself, "Why get up?"  Then I remember I have to go to school, go to work, walk through life.  I don't have a choice.  Some days I feel like laying in bed all day, never talking to another person, but I don't.  I continue with life.  I have too.  And I hope and pray that one day I will wake up and the sun will shine again and the deep sadness of loosing Mikaylah will not be waiting for me. 

Every Student Succeeding Program

I am exhausted!  What a day!  This morning I was up at 5:00 AM.  I hate 5:00 AM!  5:00 AM is the time that Mikaylah called me when she was sick on Feb. 14th and Dec. 18th.  What is it about 5:00, when my alarm goes off or I wake up at that time it takes me back to not so happy memories and I cry.  This morning I finally got out of bed at 5:20 and hopped in the shower to get ready for a breakfast, a breakfast to honor Mikaylah. 

Mr. Norton from Turlock Junior High nominated Mikaylah for this honor.  Several teachers from TJH wrote letters of support and Mikaylah was chosen to represent TJH.  I am so thankful they honored her, but I wish so much she could have been there.  She would have loved the recognition and would have been so proud.  There were several students who were nominated and at the breakfast.  It was inspiring to see all the obstacles that the students had overcome to succeed in school.  Mikaylah was an over comer, I just wish she would have overcome her physical aliments. 

When we arrived this was on our table.  A beautiful plant that we could take home.  There was breakfast, but we got food, but I don't think I even took one bite.  I was just trying to hold it together.  A very good friend from Crowell School, Mrs. Dickinson was there for support.  And many people came up to us and introduced themselves and gave condolences. 





I hope they don't mind if I put them on my blog but these were the important people in Mikaylah's life at TJH.  Ms. De Tomasi, Mikaylah's Art Teacher.  She loved art class in 7th grade but more than anything she loved the teacher.  Ms. De Tomasi really cared and took Mikaylah under her wing!  Mikaylah returned to be a teacher aide in 8th grade.  Mikaylah was just starting to keep a drawing journal.  Thank you for being such a support.  Nurse Sharon was there for Mikaylah and not only her special needs, but a huge support emotionally.  Mikaylah would talk to her and confine in her.  Thank you for always being there for Mikaylah.  Mr. Kline is the principle at the TJH and has always been very supportive to make sure things were adaptived to whatever Mikaylah needed.  Thank you to all the Staff at TJH and Crowell School for always being there to support Mikaylah!

The following is the video from the breakfast.  It is short, but a very nice tribute to Mikaylah!  Hope you enjoy.  The pain of losing Mikaylah will never go away, but it is comforting and honoring to know that she touched so many people!

http://youtu.be/v2yXrt7c_m0