It's been a long while since I've been on. Not sure why other than the fact I've just been moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other. This summer has been a challenge. After graduating in May I began interviewing for jobs and county jobs seem to take forever to call you. In the waiting time I began to doubt myself. I truly began to think things like: I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, and how am I ever going to find a job. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months I became more depressed and antsy. Then I got the calls and picked the job and start on August 26th. So I went on vacation...
Missing Mikaylah. She is so very missed. Sometimes I just wish I could wake up and she would be here. I loved my vacation... 19 days... each day I thought of how much Mikaylah would have loved spending time with everyone. She loved her cousins and Aunt Pam and Uncle Sonny. I also realized that there would have been no way we would have gone for 19 days if she had gone. She loved visiting people but it was challenging for Mikaylah to be away from home for to many nights. She tired easily and because of her needs traveling wasn't always easy. It was challenging. There were times on this trip that I thought, "Wow, I have absolutely no responsibilities." It feels weird to be kid free and then after being a caretaker for 14 years it feels weird to not have that responsibility. There were times while shopping I would stop and look around like where are my kids, but then I would realize they were not there.
I ask myself how can you have a good time while so deeply hurting, but thats exactly what happened. This was probably one of my favorite trips and at the same time my heart hurt so deeply at times it was hard to breath. I guess on one hand I feel guilty that I am having a good time without her, on the other hand I know she would have enjoyed it, and if I had a third hand I realize she is totally fulfilled where she is and is having the time of her life not wishing to come back to me.
The absolute best time of my life was raising Chris and Mikaylah. I love being a mom. I loved every labor pain, every milestone, every hug, kiss, teaching opportunity. I loved vacations, day trips, movie dates, family times. Even in the bad times I enjoyed that fact that I had my children no matter what and the love we have never goes away. I know I am still a mom and I know that Chris still needs me, but its different. Changing. Chris has grown up and he only gets my input when he wants it! I have to say he is the best thing in my life and I worry constantly that he will be taken from me. I hope I never have to endure losing him. He is my saving grace... he makes me laugh and reminds me that I still have a piece of the favorite things in my life... my children.
Some say time heals the pain of losing a child. I have to say they must have never lost a child. The more time that goes by the more I miss her. The more time that goes by the more I realize I will never see her again in this life. The more time that goes by the more deeply the pain of losing her is. I wonder what she would enjoy... would it still be Justin Bieber, would she have a boyfriend, would she be doing well in school, would she be looking forward to her sophomore year or wishing summer was not over. Would I be dropping her at the theater to meet up with friends today and taking her to church in the morning. Would I be listening to her fight with her brother non-stop? Would I be telling her to put her phone down during dinner? I know I would be giving her a hug and kiss everyday and telling her how much I love her, because that is what I did everyday of her life.
There are many things in life you can change, many things you can do over. If you get a bad grade you can take the class again. If you yell at someone close to you, you can apologize. If you want to reach a goal you can. But death is the end. There is nothing else that can be done in this world when you are gone. On December 21, 2011 at 5:04 am Mikaylah could no longer do anything in this world and I can no longer apologize, talk, hug, kiss, or touch her. So remember to never take for granted the minutes you have with your loved ones. I am trying to remember this as it is a reality everyday.
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