Transition

It's inevitable that I must move on.  Everyday is one step closer to leaving this world and I don't want to get to the end with any regrets.  I guess the real question is, how do I move on with Mikaylah in my heart instead of in my world.  Everyday I get up and put one foot in front of the other and walk through this world.  So I would have to say I am moving on, but am I moving on in the best possible way I can?  Am I making a mark on this world that will never be erased when I am gone from here?  I want to...  I want to make a difference in the lives of those around me.  Is wanting to enough?  

I think about helping people who are walking through the grief process.  I could be there for people, listening and comforting, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can even say, "My daughter is forever 14."  Without a lump expanding in my throat and tears coming to my eyes.  I can mostly hold the tears back now and regain composure fast, but it takes all my strength and makes me want to run and escape from the present.  I wish I was one of those grievers who could say Mikaylah appears to me in the form of a butterfly and I see her in the ocean, and she visits me in my dreams, but I can't.  The pain of her lose is so great.

I'm 43 years old and going through an identity crisis.  My two worlds have to come together.  How do I make these two chapters fit together.  Whats the transition between plots?  My life now has to include my past, my last chapter.  How do I make it fit with the new life, the new chapter?  Will it just come together or do I need to seek it?

"The meaning of our lives is revealed through experiences that at first seem at odds with each other- moments we wish would never end and moments we wish had never begun.  Those timeless experiences we want to last forever whisper to us that they were meant to.  There is more to these days than pictures tucked away in photo albums, fading as the memory fades from view.  We use a statement to try to console ourselves with what we think is the irrecoverable loss:  "All good things come to an end."  I hate that phrase.  It's a lie.  Even our troubles and our heartbreaks tell us something about our true destiny."  The Journey of Desire- John Eldredge

So I know in my heart that my heartbreaks will be used to bring me to my true destiny.  I can't believe that the life I once knew was just so I could spend my time wishing I could get it back.  So I move forward in search of the new chapter and during this transition chapter, I choice to jump in.