Loyal? Faithful?

Loyalty... What does that mean?

I have always described Chris, my son as a very loyal person.  He doesn't like change and when he commits to something he refuses to turn his back on it... He is loyal to not only people but decisions he makes regarding health and goals.

Each one of us can ask ourselves are we loyal?

Definition:

loyals: These are people you can trust to have your back all the time, you can close your eyes when sleeping and they got you covered or turn your back on them after handing them a knife or gun and not have to worry that they will be tempted to use it on you. They never abandon you.

Faithful to a person or a cause; firmly in alliance to somebody or something. Always there for somebody when they need you.

In some parts of my life I have been faithful... Of course the one that you need to be most faithful in I failed... Lol... MARRIAGE!  At least I'm not alone in that one.  We committed to forever but only made it about 15 years... We were faithful a lot of years and even through the hard times I wouldn't change it. I have wonderful children and I learned so much through those years...

I do believe we really tried... For the first several years I never said anything negative about him... Simple because I didn't want people to think badly about him and even after he did 18 months in anger management in house treatment program I still wanted to make it work.  I believe we had a true love for each other we just couldn't seem to make it work... Wether it was his passed, my codependency, a child with a disability... I'm not sure...

LOYAL... FAITHFUL... Hum...

I have to say I was TOTALLY and completely faithful to my children... They had my complete and full attention and there best interest was always my goal.  I put my life on hold to make sure they had everything they needed and wanted... Was this healthy?  Well I can only say I'm pretty proud of the way Chris turned out... Was it worth my own sacrifice? Absolutely...    

Loyal... To friends...

Do you have friends who have been there through thick and thin?  Have you been there for them? Have you never said a bad thing behind their back? Have you told them what you really think to their face? Have they told you a thing or two? That's what a true friend is... May not always be together but when you are its real... Its deep... Through the good and bad of this life we call a journey.

Well I NEVER dreamed I would find another man I could be loyal and loving with... Well my heart is starting to open a little each day.  Meaningful relationships make our life fun, happy, challenging, and full...  At this point in my life it always comes back to my kids... I miss the life I had, but I am enjoying the life I now have... There is no going back... Forward is the only choice.  

Maybe you have had a life change, maybe someone has not been loyal to you... That hurt can be used to make sure you are faithful and loyal don't let that hurt stop you from having full happy relationships!  We only have one life... One journey...  And we use the things that have happened to us in all the chapters of our life.

I hope there is someone or lots of someone's in your life you can dedicate this song too!

http://youtu.be/yJYXItns2ik

 

This CPS job!

Life issues...  so as a social worker with CPS there is never a truly dull moment.  Sometimes I'm amazed at the things people endure...  And sometimes I'm amazed at how similar my life is to theirs... I just chose a different way to deal with the things that come my way.

 

My day started out with a meeting with a couple who had a visit with their children... a SUPERVISED one hour visit... In a room that has a camera and microphone... I'm sitting at a computer screen listening and watching each and every move they make.  It kind of took me back to those early years when I would take the kids out and if they misbehaved or talked to loud I would be embarrassed and wonder what I should do because everyone had their eyes on me... JUDGING me... seeing what I would do.  Then sometimes I would think OMG someone is going to call CPS on us.  Well now guess what, its me they call... after the visit I sat down with the parents... today we talked about the depression that sets in when there's not enough money, or when they disagree on discipline or other life issues... what did they do when they got depressed???  Turned to drugs... laid in bed and didn't clean the house.  They let the depression take over.  How do you learn to use other coping mechanisms when you've used the same ones for 15 years?  Then I began to think... that could have been me...

My second SUPERVISED visit was with a mom that had not seen her 3 beautiful children in 3 months.  After the visit I sat down with the mom... I asked her about her relationship with the kids dad... She said didn't you read the file?  I said you know I want to hear the story first hand from you, then I want to start right now moving in a different direction... She began to tell me a story of domestic violence and how she doesn't have loving relationships with men anymore because they can't be trusted.  She said I know how to prevent future domestic violence relationships... don't get into relationships...  As she talked she suddenly said you know I think I need to see a counselor and talk about some of these feelings and dig a little deeper then what I have dug in the past.  Then I realized... this is me... this is what I did for the last 10 years... after being in a domestic violence relationship... I put all men in that category of not caring of not loving... I'm so thankful I didn't chose to cover my feelings with drugs and neglect of my children... but that could have been me...

So much of the time we judge others... like our way is always right... Yeah people make wrong choices, but we are just one step away from where they are, by making one wrong decision.  Who among us is not hiding something in our life?  A feeling... A addiction... Unforgiveness... Hatefulness... Meanness... Yeah I have people all around me telling me all the time... I need to change how I think of people... get harder... don't think good of people because most of them are not good... Well I can't do that... I don't want to change... I don't want to get hard... I want to have compassion... I want to be that one person they look back and say... they cared... Yeah I may only see one parent change, but that's okay... One is enough!

Dear Mikaylah Partin...

Dear Mikaylah,

What would I want to tell you if I could actually talk to you today?  I've been sitting here thinking... I wonder if you see me... I wonder if you think of me... What if I could send you a letter, a message?  Would it bring you happiness?  Sadness? Indifference? 

Girlie, we miss you!  Everyday seems like it is missing something without you here.  Every morning for just a few moments I think of you and how I wish I was coming in your room to get you ready for the day.  I wish I could see what you would be at 17... OMG 17... I wonder if that really bad attitude would be less, but your feisty fiery spirit would still be there.  I wonder if you would laugh till you couldn't breath and we would laugh just because you were...

Are you happy where your at?  Are you in heaven?  Are you just spirit?  Are you alone or with others?  So many questions.  Are you glad you left your pain and family and friends behind or would it had been worth it to keep the pain and stay with us?  I have to be honest girlie... I miss YOU, but I do not miss the hospitals and the pain you endured!

Mikaylah you would be so proud of Chris.  He has moved down south to be with Monique.  I know how much you liked Monique and wanted to have a sister.  They are not married, but I bet someday they will be.  Even though you are not here she will techniquely be your sister.  Your brother is so disciplined, he says that because you were always such a go getter that gives him strength to achieve anything he wants.

Guess what?  Your grandma and papa are traveling... that would drive you nuts because you would have to come home to an empty house after school.  They are having so much fun being free to just enjoy life and see things and not have to worry about the cares of this world. 

You know what Mikaylah?  I'm starting to laugh and smile and feel happy again on the inside.  At times I feel guilty for feeling happy and for moving on with life, but then I realize that that's what you would have wanted for me.  You would have wanted me to find love and to laugh like there is no tomorrow and live life to the fullest.  I'm really trying baby girl.  There are times when I feel extremely alone, but they are fewer than even a few months ago.

Your Uncle Tom needs your positive thoughts and strength baby... Aunt Carol and the boys always need you and miss you so much!  Alan played baseball and he did so good.  You would have loved being at the baseball games and you would have yelled so loud Alan would have been embarrassed.  We all miss that personality! 

Mikaylah you would be so happy they put in a middle divider in by the Jr. High... now everyone has to go to the light to cross!  No cheaters!

Baby girl there will never be a day I don't want to see your beautiful face and feel your hand holding mine.  To hear your voice and your laughter... to see your independence and the dreams you would have for yourself by now.  Just know that we are missing you ALWAYS.

Love,
Mom

PS.  If you have read this letter and want to talk to Mikaylah to let her know how your doing or if you have questions or want to vent... Please leave a letter in the comments addressed to her...

Love to all!