WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

IT'S WHY DAY...  SO MANY TIMES WE DON'T SAY THE WORDS OUT LOUD BECAUSE WE WANT TO ACCEPT WHAT COMES OUR WAY.  WE WANT TO ACCEPT THAT THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE HAS OUR BACK AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART, BUT TODAY I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM MAD!  AT WHO I DO NOT KNOW... I GUESS AT THE SITUATION, AT GOD, AT ME, AT MIKAYLAH, AT THE DOCTORS, JUST ANYONE THAT HAD A HAND IN THIS! 

WHY? THAT'S THE QUESTION.  WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING SO DIFFERENT AND BAD?  WHY? DIDN'T HER DOCTORS MONITOR HER MORE AFTER 6 AND A HALF WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL? WHY? DID SHE GIVE UP? WHY? DIDN'T SHE FIGHT HARDER TO STAY WITH US? SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE. 

 I MISS HER. MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. I HATE MY LIFE NOW.  CHRIS IS GROWN UP, WHAT DO I DO NOW? I WANT HER BACK- I WANT THAT SMILE AND SASSY ATTITUDE.  I MISS HER- SO AGAIN I ASK WHY?

(For those family and friends who worry non stop about me, know that I am not suicidal.  I just have to get these feeling out and onto paper.  Thank you for your support and love and prayers!  You are all priceless to me!  Love to all.)

Miraculous Mikaylah

I was going through some of my old journals and found this one from March, 1998.  Mikaylah was a year old.

 It's titled:  Miraculous Mikaylah

Mikaylah is her name.  She is beautiful.  She is my little girl.  Mikaylah was born March 17, 1997.  My pregnancy was like any other and by March 17th I was ready to have my little baby in my arms.  My doctor did not show up and the nurse delivered Mikaylah.  There was great confusion and Mikaylah was taken to the nursery.  What a night.  My first thoughts were what did I do wrong?  And my second thought was of my son Christopher.  How I had prepared him for a healthy perfect brother or sister.  Telling him he could come to the hospital and then we would bring our little baby home.  My next thought was Spina Bifida- What exactly is that?  I had heard of it about 2 months earlier at a baby store.  A couple had come in with a beautiful baby girl who was born with Spina Bifida and also had a shunt.  I remember thinking at the time as people were asking whether or not this baby would play sports, "They love their baby even if it doesn't."  Those words came back to me that night.

That first night I remember feeling shocked, helpless, and as if I was on the outside looking in.  Our ministers wife came to minister God to me and our family.  What a blessing it was to have someone pray with me through this unknowing time.  Family members began to come and the support of my cousin Janice and dear friend Tera was a God send.  Finally the time came to see Mikaylah.  Her whole back was covered and I could see nothing.  Nothing could have prepared me for what was under that bandage.  I prayed God take care of my little baby GIRL.  I realized at that time that God not I is in TOTAL control of all things.  When Mikaylah was taken that night from the hospital and taken to UCSF it felt as if I was abandoning my baby.  I wanted so desperately to comfort her, to hold her, to feed her, and just kiss all her hurts away. 

That night was a night of wondering... what is Spina Bifida, what is the outcome, will my baby die before I get there? Realizing that God owned Mikaylah and He had a plan I was right where God wanted me TOTALLY dependant on Him.

Once again here I am.  I can keep asking... why?  how could this happen?  or I can once again depend on God and become totally dependant on Him.  He had her best interest at heart 14 years ago and he had her best interest at heart 8 months ago today.  He had mercy on her and He decided to heal her and give her life abundant and to bring her home with Him. 

Back to School.

August 9th.  The summer is almost over.  Time to head back to school.  Another new season.  For the last 12 + years I have been taking my kids to back to school shopping.  New cloths and school supplies.  You might say, well thank God your out of that stage, look at the money you will save.  To me its just another change that I didn't want to make.  This is so much harder than I ever could have imagined it would be.  August always brought a sense of "back in the schedule of things."  A newness and time to make this year really count.  When Chris was younger it meant football games and early bedtimes.  For Mikaylah it meant strict schedules and hanging with friends back at school.  This year we would have been getting ready for high school.  Last year we were starting to talk about it.  She really wanted to go to Turlock High School and she wanted to walk, or should I say roll to school.  I was not to hip on the idea because there are a lot of main roads and a lot of crazy people.  I think we had pretty much settled on Pitman High because she could walk from Grandma and Papa's.  All that doesn't really matter now, because she decided to attend a higher education with God.  She doesn't have to Roll anymore she can run, walk, float...  I miss her so much.

Summer brought change.  We now have a guest room.  A few people have stayed in it!  It has different curtains, pictures, bed comforter.  Yet it has many of Mikaylah's knick knacks and memories.  I am glad my mom and dad helped me, but it was so hard.  Its hard to explain the pain that I feel.  I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out at times and yet I have to swallow to keep all the emotions down.  Sometimes I feel like there is literally something blocking my throat and I have come to realize it is just all the emotions I hold inside. 

People really do try to be nice and supportive, but they do judge.  Some think I have moved on, some think I need to move on, and some think I am so strong.  I have not moved on, I am not going to move on, and I am not strong.  My mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of Mikaylah.  Mostly of the last 72 hours of her life.  Just trying to make sense of it.  Trying to understand.  Last night I was sitting at the dinner table with Chris, my nephew Alan and his friend James.  All of the sudden my thought was, "Where's Mikaylah?"  Then it went to, "She would have hated these corn dogs and chili."  Then a real missing of her laughing and how I can't really hear it in my mind anymore.  How she loved company.  This is actually Alan's first visit to my house without Mikaylah.  There has never been a time in his life that he has visited and she wasn't here.  He refuses to sleep in the guest room and thinks her room feels funny.  Doesn't even want to use that bathroom.  That is very sad, very heart wrenching.  How do we move on without her moving on with us.  She disappeared and we will NEVER have a new memory or good time with her.  Now as I was thinking this during our dinner I had to hold my emotions down and  smile.

 Its not that I don't have good times because I do, its just that there is this blanket of dark that is there all the time. I have never felt darkness like this.  I know that God will bring me through.  I do have faith that someday things will be better, but for now my world is dark and it rains most days.  Yes I am alive.  I will be going back to school, work, and will even socialize, but life always has the blanket and I am never truly excited about the future.  How long will it take to build a new life?  Only time will tell.  So as summer comes to an end and we move into a new season I walk forward and I just may bless someone with a little shopping spree so that there will be something familiar, something normal about this back to school season.

What is the meaning of life?????????  Anyone know? 

22 years ago yesterday I said my "I do's" and started my life.  I was 19 years old and thought, "I am going to start my life now!  Be a wife, become a mother, watch my kids grow up and get marrried and have families.  Then I will grow old with the man I love!"  I grew up in a loving home with family gatherings and dinners together at the table.  I loved the Lord and wanted to go to the nations to preach of His love.  I really thought that God would take me to other countries and I would work with orphanes and widows sharing God's love in practical ways.  Almost five years into marriage Chris was born and he was the joy of my life!  He was active and full of life, always keeping me on my toes.  And my husband was always working, his way of showing love was working, making money!  And there was this other angry side of him and just finding out I was pregnant with my second baby he went into an anger management program.  Life just wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but that was okay because I had my son and another on the way and I loved being a mom and it was something I thought I was good at and my kids were everything to me.  Then Mikaylah was born with Spina Bifida and once again our lives changed.  But that was okay because I believed God had a plan for our lives.  I could be a mom to a special needs child.  No problem!  I could sing the songs of God's faithfulness and in the good and bad times He was still Lord and I had a purpose, that purpose was to raise my children.  Dave and I divorced after 14 years of marriage, but I knew I could make it through because God loves me and He had a plan and I had my kids and they needed me and I needed them. 

But when Mikaylah passed away in December and Chris turned 18 in February...  now what?  What is His plan?  Is there a plan?  For 22 years I had purpose and meaning.  A wife and a mother!  My kids were my priority.  Yes I was involved in ministry and college, but my true purpose was being a mother.  And I know in my mind that I am still a mother to Chris and Mikaylah and Chris does need me, but its not the same.  He doesn't need me to be involved in every area of his life and Mikaylah isn't here.  So now what about me?  What is my purpose?  What is my life?  I feel very detached like the person I was 6 months ago doesn't exist anymore.  She is gone and now I have to find out who Tamra Deon Partin is again. 

For the last several years one of my favorite songs has been, Blessed Be Your Name. 

"Blessed be your name, In the land that is plentiful, Where the streams of abundance flow, Blessed be your name."  It's easy to bless God's name when everything is going well and life is full of excitement and good times.  That's when you sing this song with smiles and clapping.  Thanking God for every good thing. 

"Blessed be your name, When I'm found in the desert place, Though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name."  And you know I didn't find it difficult to sing this when I walked through my divorce and when Mikaylah was born, because I could trust God that He would turn things for His good.  I had purpose and the trials of life only gave me more reasons to overcome and I saw that my hard times gave strength to others that they could overcome their trials and tribulations because they saw Mikaylah and I and we were overcomers and so they could also overcome.  So even at times I sang this song with tears running down my face I knew that God's name was to be praised.

Now it's almost impossible to sing this song.  I am in the desert place and at this moment I cannot see the good, I cannot see the purpose, but I am searching. 

To hear the song click on the following link:

http://youtu.be/W1xUwzoKU8U

A sense of normal.

Well Father's Day was a hit!  I had a really good time spoiling my dad with a day out.  My dad is so hard to buy for because he buys everything he likes for himself.  Books... he buys before they come out on Amazon.  So Chris and I got him coffee for the Kuerig.  X Bold.  He likes good strong coffee.  We went for La Morinta's and Yogiliocious!  A day filled with pictures and fun times.  We even went to Lodi to visit my Grandpa Nelson's grave.  Putting flowers and remembering him always. 

Chris was in a great mood.  Joking, teasing, arguing, knowing everything, and full of lots of conversation.  He was his usual take 10 pictures to get the one that has a smiling regular smile and face.  On our way home after everything was finished I started to think... things seem kinda normal.  Kinda like I am enjoying Chris's humor.  Like this is how he has always been and I am enjoying it again.  Then I began to wonder for the last 6 months has he continued to be his normal self and I was just so stuck in my grief that I didn't notice or was he grieving and was not himself either.  I don't know.  I just know we got a glimpse of a good day, a day filled with laughter and sometimes frustration because Chris wouldn't leave me alone!  (In a good way!)  I have missed those times with him.  I hope this was the beginning of many more times.

 After I dropped Chris at home I headed to the cemetery.  Chris doesn't like to go there.  I really don't blame him because to tell you the truth, I have never liked going to the cemetery and only went there when I absolutely had to.  I would go once a year on Memorial Day to visit my grandparents.  Now I have changed because my daughter is there and I want to go visit her.  I will never have new pictures of her or new memories so I go to remember and to visit and to take pictures. 

First stop was my grandfathers grave.  I put flowers and remembered him.  I remember when we lived in Texas Grandpa and Grandma would come to visit and we would take all their stuff to the flea market to sell.  We would stay different places for the weekend.  It was fun and I loved pretending like we were camping, but making money.  Grandpa would take right guard baths and walk around trying to buy more stuff for cheap.  He will always be remembered and never forgotten.   He walks with my girl now!

Then I headed to Mikaylah's spot.  The cemetery was full and lots of people were sitting on the ground and I wondered what they were talking about maybe memories, regrets, wishes, some were drinking soda, some crying, some alone, some putting flowers.  I wonder why we can't do that.  Because its to SAD.  I wonder if we will ever be able to do that.  Death isn't something I have ever wanted to talk about or deal with, but with Mikaylah I hope someday we can just remember her and smile and laugh! 

For now I am just happy we made it through Father's Day and that I saw my precious son being normal and happy!  He even talked to his dad for about 40 minutes on the phone.  That was a miracle since they basically have no contact.  All in all I am so happy I was able to spend time with my dad and show him how much I love and appreciate him.  We were living life to the fullest!

A Video Update.

It's a 10 minute update!  Click on the following link to hear the video! 



http://youtu.be/xHRvXWSmSWg

This is beautiful...

A letter from a son to his mother?
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said:
'How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?'

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more
? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair ?' the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to
help others if he could.'

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said :

'Dear Mom, I know
you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him.
Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen
back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

My favorite part is at the end, "God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much either.  That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me."  I choose to believe that's what happened with Mikaylah, she couldn't stand the pain and God couldn't either.  The Angel of Mercy took Mikaylah to that happy place where she has no more pain or suffering.  It hurts us, but I have to keep in focus that she is no longer hurting and no matter how much I miss her and wish I had had her longer she is in a perfect place now where she is happy ALL the time.  We can't even imagine a place like that.  Some have said to me, "God needed her or it's all God's will."  I don't believe that... I believe we live in a world with imperfection, with sin and sickness... God did not will for Mikaylah to be sick and die.  His plan was for her to live a full life with lots of opportunity for joy and happiness on earth, but sickness took Mikaylah.  Now she gets to have happiness for all eternity and we are promised of seeing her again when we get to eternity.