FROM A MOTHER'S HEART... one year later

I dreaded this day.  Why?  Because it meant that a year had passed.  That time was not standing still that somehow it would be worse as time passed.  Well this morning as I woke up I thought... this cannot be the worst day of my life because one year ago today was the worst day of my life.  Mikaylah's best day was my worst day.  As time passes on my fear is that Mikaylah will be forgotten that she will somehow disappear.  That as I begin to build my life without her that she will no longer have a place.  Sadness fills my mind as I think about leaving her behind. 

Throughout this last week I realized through the many messages, texts, cards, facebook memory posts, that everyone still remembers her and misses her.  That she really did make an impact on others and she is not being forgotten even after a year has passed.   This was very comforting to me. 

I miss her... I miss her smile... I miss her laugh... I miss the way her eyes dance... I miss her yelling... I miss her bossiness... I miss the way she talked to everyone when we were out... I miss not being alone... I miss getting her up in the morning... I miss talking her everywhere I go... I miss picking her up at her Grandma and Papa's... I miss taking her to church... I miss laying on her bed and getting the latest drama of the day... I miss the way she would hold my hand... I miss her helping cook dinner... I miss hearing Justin Bieber... I miss hearing the animal rescue shows and TLC shows... I miss seeing her excited face when friends were coming over... I miss the way she loved to shop... I miss the way she was always thinking of what she could do for others... I miss the person I was before she left this earth... I miss the life I had when she was here... I miss my purpose in life... I miss everything about her the good, the bad, the ugly.

I do not miss her calling me because she is sick... I do not miss hospital stays (I do miss the doctors, nurses, therapist, social workers.)... I do not miss her sadness regarding her immobility...

The list of misses far out ways the not misses.  I will never feel good about my child leaving me and I will never feel whole again.  However, I can feel good that she feels no pain, that she is happy and running free, and that she is home! 

Last night my cousin sent me a text and it was comforting I want to share it:

"God really used her in soo many ways and ya know thru this year I have thought about it in so many ways as to why, and the best answer that came to me one morning, was this... Her going from this world wasn't about us.  Wasn't about any of us.  It was her!  I think that was Gods way of rewarding her!  I know that sounds weird, how can that be a reward for her leaving us, but I think God was saying, "Well job my child, your work on earth is done." and he brought her home as a celebration of HIS love for her so she wouldn't have to endure anymore pain, sickness or tragedy that He felt she could not handle.  Although leaving us has been hard and sad for us, that's the only reason that makes any sense to my.  It's logical, and we as humans feel the pain, but she will NEVER anymore."

There is no explaining Mikaylah's death and why she couldn't just be healed, but these words brought a little joy to my heart.  God loved Mikaylah. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  Tammy

Mikaylah's Dream

Mikaylah wrote a book when she was 8 years old and we always had good intentions of getting it published and even taking it to Oprah!  Well as many things do, it got tucked away.  This year her Grandma and Papa made it happen.  Mikaylah passed away one year ago tomorrow and I thought this would be a great way to honor her!  Please listen!

http://youtu.be/ngMMosfaMIU

Can't seek Him.

I can't seek to please God right now.  I'm not sure why.  My WHOLE life I have seeked to please and have tried to make good choices and decisions and honestly I am the happiest when I'm doing good for others, but right now it seems I only have time for my thoughts and God could have changed my destination, but didn't.  He could have healed Mikaylah but chose not to.  Why?  I know we live in a fallen world I know life is not perfect and we have free choice, but if I am suppose to praise and worship God and pray to Him and aim to please Him... why can't He intervene when I really need Him.  Not that He hasn't but this was like MAJOR-LIFE CHANGING.  I know in my head/ or that the right way to think is because He could see the future, He knew what Mikaylah may have to endure later, but right now I just can't accept that as an answer. 

Birthday's In Heaven?

So yesterday was my Grandma Mercer's birthday.  She passed away May 26, 2004.  I miss her.  I started wondering if Mikaylah was helping her celebrate the day.  Mikaylah had a special bond with Grandma, I want to say the bond got stronger after Grandma passed away.  Mikaylah was given a little quilt that was Grandma's, and from the day she got it she slept with it.  She used it for comfort.  It literally went to the hospital, into surgeries, and on every vacation or overnight stay we had.  Mikaylah would cry the few times we forgot it.  It wasn't like she was a little toddler when she got it, it was just her connection with Grandma and I think to heaven too.  I'm sure when Mikaylah arrived in heaven she no longer needed her blanket because her Grandma was there.

I started to think about birthdays here on earth.  I have to say that NOTHING can top the feelings I had the day my kids were born.  The feelings of complete love, the love that no matter what NOTHING can stop it.  Different than any other kind of love.  Its a love that never ends, never gets less.  I also felt a complete sense of responsibility, that physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, developmentally, I had to bring this little baby to adulthood someday and that the goal was to raise a happy, loving, society involved, relational, productive adult.  The responsibility was so heavy but yet wouldn't trade it for anything.  There was also this overwhelming feeling of FEAR.  Fear that I would fail, but that fear did not keep me from that first feeling of complete LOVE.  I was so incredible PROUD of my kids at birth.  They hadn't even accomplished anything, but I wanted to show everyone my wonderful and cutest children!  When my kids were born I already had DREAMS for them.  For some reason I always thought Chris would be involved in sports and Mikaylah I thought would motivate others! 

Well I like to think Mikaylah planned and celebrated with Grandma yesterday.  Celebrated what?  The life she had on earth?  But really her Death Date is her new birth date, because that was the day she was born into heaven her forever home!  I wonder if in heaven that is the new birthday or if you celebrate on that day.  I wonder if God is as happy to see people enter heaven as we were the day we gave birth to our children.  I would like to think so.  That our saddest, most unhappiest day, the day someone dies is actually one of their happiest days.  As morbid as that sounds we would not want our loved ones to feel what we are feeling.  It comforts me to know Mikaylah is enjoying Grandma and that she is happily walking around with her! 

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

IT'S WHY DAY...  SO MANY TIMES WE DON'T SAY THE WORDS OUT LOUD BECAUSE WE WANT TO ACCEPT WHAT COMES OUR WAY.  WE WANT TO ACCEPT THAT THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE HAS OUR BACK AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART, BUT TODAY I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM MAD!  AT WHO I DO NOT KNOW... I GUESS AT THE SITUATION, AT GOD, AT ME, AT MIKAYLAH, AT THE DOCTORS, JUST ANYONE THAT HAD A HAND IN THIS! 

WHY? THAT'S THE QUESTION.  WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING SO DIFFERENT AND BAD?  WHY? DIDN'T HER DOCTORS MONITOR HER MORE AFTER 6 AND A HALF WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL? WHY? DID SHE GIVE UP? WHY? DIDN'T SHE FIGHT HARDER TO STAY WITH US? SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE. 

 I MISS HER. MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. I HATE MY LIFE NOW.  CHRIS IS GROWN UP, WHAT DO I DO NOW? I WANT HER BACK- I WANT THAT SMILE AND SASSY ATTITUDE.  I MISS HER- SO AGAIN I ASK WHY?

(For those family and friends who worry non stop about me, know that I am not suicidal.  I just have to get these feeling out and onto paper.  Thank you for your support and love and prayers!  You are all priceless to me!  Love to all.)

Miraculous Mikaylah

I was going through some of my old journals and found this one from March, 1998.  Mikaylah was a year old.

 It's titled:  Miraculous Mikaylah

Mikaylah is her name.  She is beautiful.  She is my little girl.  Mikaylah was born March 17, 1997.  My pregnancy was like any other and by March 17th I was ready to have my little baby in my arms.  My doctor did not show up and the nurse delivered Mikaylah.  There was great confusion and Mikaylah was taken to the nursery.  What a night.  My first thoughts were what did I do wrong?  And my second thought was of my son Christopher.  How I had prepared him for a healthy perfect brother or sister.  Telling him he could come to the hospital and then we would bring our little baby home.  My next thought was Spina Bifida- What exactly is that?  I had heard of it about 2 months earlier at a baby store.  A couple had come in with a beautiful baby girl who was born with Spina Bifida and also had a shunt.  I remember thinking at the time as people were asking whether or not this baby would play sports, "They love their baby even if it doesn't."  Those words came back to me that night.

That first night I remember feeling shocked, helpless, and as if I was on the outside looking in.  Our ministers wife came to minister God to me and our family.  What a blessing it was to have someone pray with me through this unknowing time.  Family members began to come and the support of my cousin Janice and dear friend Tera was a God send.  Finally the time came to see Mikaylah.  Her whole back was covered and I could see nothing.  Nothing could have prepared me for what was under that bandage.  I prayed God take care of my little baby GIRL.  I realized at that time that God not I is in TOTAL control of all things.  When Mikaylah was taken that night from the hospital and taken to UCSF it felt as if I was abandoning my baby.  I wanted so desperately to comfort her, to hold her, to feed her, and just kiss all her hurts away. 

That night was a night of wondering... what is Spina Bifida, what is the outcome, will my baby die before I get there? Realizing that God owned Mikaylah and He had a plan I was right where God wanted me TOTALLY dependant on Him.

Once again here I am.  I can keep asking... why?  how could this happen?  or I can once again depend on God and become totally dependant on Him.  He had her best interest at heart 14 years ago and he had her best interest at heart 8 months ago today.  He had mercy on her and He decided to heal her and give her life abundant and to bring her home with Him. 

Back to School.

August 9th.  The summer is almost over.  Time to head back to school.  Another new season.  For the last 12 + years I have been taking my kids to back to school shopping.  New cloths and school supplies.  You might say, well thank God your out of that stage, look at the money you will save.  To me its just another change that I didn't want to make.  This is so much harder than I ever could have imagined it would be.  August always brought a sense of "back in the schedule of things."  A newness and time to make this year really count.  When Chris was younger it meant football games and early bedtimes.  For Mikaylah it meant strict schedules and hanging with friends back at school.  This year we would have been getting ready for high school.  Last year we were starting to talk about it.  She really wanted to go to Turlock High School and she wanted to walk, or should I say roll to school.  I was not to hip on the idea because there are a lot of main roads and a lot of crazy people.  I think we had pretty much settled on Pitman High because she could walk from Grandma and Papa's.  All that doesn't really matter now, because she decided to attend a higher education with God.  She doesn't have to Roll anymore she can run, walk, float...  I miss her so much.

Summer brought change.  We now have a guest room.  A few people have stayed in it!  It has different curtains, pictures, bed comforter.  Yet it has many of Mikaylah's knick knacks and memories.  I am glad my mom and dad helped me, but it was so hard.  Its hard to explain the pain that I feel.  I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out at times and yet I have to swallow to keep all the emotions down.  Sometimes I feel like there is literally something blocking my throat and I have come to realize it is just all the emotions I hold inside. 

People really do try to be nice and supportive, but they do judge.  Some think I have moved on, some think I need to move on, and some think I am so strong.  I have not moved on, I am not going to move on, and I am not strong.  My mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of Mikaylah.  Mostly of the last 72 hours of her life.  Just trying to make sense of it.  Trying to understand.  Last night I was sitting at the dinner table with Chris, my nephew Alan and his friend James.  All of the sudden my thought was, "Where's Mikaylah?"  Then it went to, "She would have hated these corn dogs and chili."  Then a real missing of her laughing and how I can't really hear it in my mind anymore.  How she loved company.  This is actually Alan's first visit to my house without Mikaylah.  There has never been a time in his life that he has visited and she wasn't here.  He refuses to sleep in the guest room and thinks her room feels funny.  Doesn't even want to use that bathroom.  That is very sad, very heart wrenching.  How do we move on without her moving on with us.  She disappeared and we will NEVER have a new memory or good time with her.  Now as I was thinking this during our dinner I had to hold my emotions down and  smile.

 Its not that I don't have good times because I do, its just that there is this blanket of dark that is there all the time. I have never felt darkness like this.  I know that God will bring me through.  I do have faith that someday things will be better, but for now my world is dark and it rains most days.  Yes I am alive.  I will be going back to school, work, and will even socialize, but life always has the blanket and I am never truly excited about the future.  How long will it take to build a new life?  Only time will tell.  So as summer comes to an end and we move into a new season I walk forward and I just may bless someone with a little shopping spree so that there will be something familiar, something normal about this back to school season.