GRANDMA NELSON

Grandma Nelson.  The name stands alone.  Always a picture of perfection.  Morally right.  Trustworthy.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Organized.  Prayerful.  Exercise.  Status.  When I think of my Grandma it brings memories of Easter, Christmas, and Thanksgiving.  It brings memories of summer vacations with swimming, taco night and General Hospital.  Grandma passed away on January 14, 2011.  I cannot believe two years have passed since I have seen or heard her.  The night she died I was in her hospital room and I had the chance to see my Aunt Michele comfort her mother like no one else could.  It changes a person seeing them go from this world to the next. 

Journal Entry from 1-15-11
Grandma Nelson was in the hospital recovering from intestine surgery.  She went into the hospital with severe pain in her back and stomach.  Her intestines had a "kink" in them.  She had surgery on Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning @ 12:45 am.  By 5:00 am she was in ICU on a ventilator.  They said her heart stopped three times during surgery and they didn't know if she would make it.  Wednesday she slept all morning and they took the tube out around 3:00.  She was breathing on her own, but was very agitated.  She was anxious and couldn't relax without medication.  Thursday when I went to visit Grandma was awake off and on.  When I said, "Hi Grandma" she said, "Hi Dear."  Grandma always called me Dear.  I figured it was because I was dear to her.  Tom and Dan came to visit her.  She said, "Hi Daniel."  I'm not sure if she really recognized anyone else but she was smiling and I thought she may be recovering a little.  On Friday when my mom got to the hospital they told her Grandma had MRSA which is a infection that is resistant to antibiotics.  She was also very labored in breathing.  As the day went on her blood pressure was low and by evening the doctor wanted to put the tube back in.  I asked if that was life support and he said yes.  I went and got my dad and Uncle Gary to come talk to the doctor. 

Aunt Michele stayed with Grandma from around 8:00 pm till Grandma went to heaven at 11:09.  I have never seen anything like Aunt Michele; she talked, prayed, recited scripture, sang hymns and comforted Grandma as she went through her last hours on earth.  I learned more about the Nelson family in those last hours, more than I had learned in my entire life. 

*She recited the Lord's Prayer many times and talked about how Grandma had taught them the Lord's Prayer and all her Grandkids.  How they held hand and said the prayer before each meal.  She said, "Thank you for teaching us.  We love the prayer and have plaques to remind us."

*"Yeah though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."  Mother there's no need to fear because God is with you.  No evil can hurt you.  God is love.  Remember as a child you told me God is love and I'm sure your mom told you that and her mom told her that.  God is love and He loves you Mother.

*"I go to prepare a place for you."  Mother God prepared a place for you.  It will be organized and clean and you will never have to worry about anything being dirty again everything will be perfect.

*Tell Linda I love her and miss her.  Tell her.  You will be able to give her a big hug.  She will be waiting for you.  Give her a hug for me.

*Let's put on the armor of God.  Breastplate of righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, Belt of Truth, Sword which is the Word of God, feet is Gospel of peace, and when you have done everything just STAND.

So much time has passed.  Little did I know that I would see two people enter the kingdom of Heaven in 2011.  That has to change a person.  My heart is so different then before.  I almost do not even recognize the person I am becoming.  I didn't want life to change.  I wanted Grandma to live ten minutes down the street for longer.  I enjoyed going to her, "Five star Hotel" having dinner with her and seeing her.  She had a gentle way about her.  We liked reading the same books and she enjoyed seeing my kids.  She thought Chris looked like Grandpa Nelson and she taught him the tradition of making Beer Bread.  She had a soft spot for Mikaylah and Mikaylah loved Grandma.  I remember at Grandma's memorial service Mikaylah asked Chris to read a note for her.  She said Grandma wasn't ready to leave because she was enjoying her life here.  Now I realize that it doesn't matter if you want to leave this earth, when it's your time you have to go.  When your body tires you have to go.  You have to go to the place that was prepared for you.  I like to think of Grandma standing there in her perfect way ushering Mikaylah into her eternal place.  Death is hard and so final.  Chris said it so perfectly a few months ago, "When you are with someone when they leave/ die, a little bit of yourself goes with them and after that you can never be exactly who you were before."    I have learned that so well this past year, its painful finding the new person you have to become when your life turns upside down.  I pray that as time passes the person I become is as productive, loving, happy, peaceful, strong, and content as the person I was before and even more so.

2013- A New Year

It’s 2013 and just like many others I am hoping that this year holds more happiness than the last.  I’m hoping that I can start dreaming some new dreams and meet some goals.  At times I feel a little guilty that I am thinking of the future and the things to come, because moving ahead means making a life without Mikaylah.  I know she will always be part of me and I will always remember the times we had together, but she does not have a future.  Her future is in another place and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty because she is moving forward in her new future, her eternity.

Well I really can’t wait till May… GRADUATION!  I will have my masters of social work.  And I have worked hard for that piece of paper that will hopefully get me a good job.  Four more classes, thesis, and 250 more hours of internship.  Many late nights, group projects, and lots of reading, May will not come soon enough.  I can’t believe that I have been in school for about 33 years of my life.  I never want to go back.  If I ever say I’m going back to school I hope everyone loves me enough to stop me, stand in my way, and remind me of how much I don’t want to go to school.  It has been one heck of a journey.  I must be the most patient and persistent person alive.  I encourage each of you to reach for your dream, never give up, and don’t just wish you were doing something; put one foot in front of the other and just start taking small steps and you will eventually get there.

I am officially looking for work.  Putting resumes and cover letters in throughout the state of California.  I really want to do hospital social work, but Child Protective Services paid for my masters and in return I either have to pay back $40,000 or spend two years working for CPS anywhere in the state of California.  I figure if I get a really good job I can pay it back, but most likely I am going to have to work for them.  It’s not that I don’t want to help children and families; it’s just that there are so many hard decisions that have to be made for others and there are so many very sad things that happen to children.  Hospital social work will be so very sad at times, but I know that with my experience I can help other families go through some really hard times.

My weight and health have to be addressed this year.  I can no longer just let it go.  I have not been to the doctor since 1999.  Any ache or pain I ignore because I know what they will say.  I’m obese so every problem I have is related to my weight.  I have tried many times to lose weight and I have succeeded, but time and time again I fall off the weight loss wagon and then it takes me about two years to get back on.  My cousin was going to get rid of some Medi Fast and she gave it to me.  It’s only a month’s supply but I’m hoping that it will give me a head start.  That it will help me get motivated and on track.  Chris got me some vitamin powder and I feel confident that I can have some success.  I know losing weight will make me feel better physically and mentally. 

So even though I have much sadness and grief that exhausts me I am looking to the future.  Building my NEW NORMAL.  It’s not what I wanted to do but it’s what I have to do.  I know that many of you reading this also have things that are holding you back, things that follow you everywhere you go.  Maybe it’s a fear, death of a loved one, bad marriage, relationships, work, or depression, anxiety, or panic.  Maybe it’s time to face what’s holding you back.  Talk to a friend, seek out help from professionals, spend some time thinking about what you want to accomplish this year.  Love you all!

FROM A MOTHER'S HEART... one year later

I dreaded this day.  Why?  Because it meant that a year had passed.  That time was not standing still that somehow it would be worse as time passed.  Well this morning as I woke up I thought... this cannot be the worst day of my life because one year ago today was the worst day of my life.  Mikaylah's best day was my worst day.  As time passes on my fear is that Mikaylah will be forgotten that she will somehow disappear.  That as I begin to build my life without her that she will no longer have a place.  Sadness fills my mind as I think about leaving her behind. 

Throughout this last week I realized through the many messages, texts, cards, facebook memory posts, that everyone still remembers her and misses her.  That she really did make an impact on others and she is not being forgotten even after a year has passed.   This was very comforting to me. 

I miss her... I miss her smile... I miss her laugh... I miss the way her eyes dance... I miss her yelling... I miss her bossiness... I miss the way she talked to everyone when we were out... I miss not being alone... I miss getting her up in the morning... I miss talking her everywhere I go... I miss picking her up at her Grandma and Papa's... I miss taking her to church... I miss laying on her bed and getting the latest drama of the day... I miss the way she would hold my hand... I miss her helping cook dinner... I miss hearing Justin Bieber... I miss hearing the animal rescue shows and TLC shows... I miss seeing her excited face when friends were coming over... I miss the way she loved to shop... I miss the way she was always thinking of what she could do for others... I miss the person I was before she left this earth... I miss the life I had when she was here... I miss my purpose in life... I miss everything about her the good, the bad, the ugly.

I do not miss her calling me because she is sick... I do not miss hospital stays (I do miss the doctors, nurses, therapist, social workers.)... I do not miss her sadness regarding her immobility...

The list of misses far out ways the not misses.  I will never feel good about my child leaving me and I will never feel whole again.  However, I can feel good that she feels no pain, that she is happy and running free, and that she is home! 

Last night my cousin sent me a text and it was comforting I want to share it:

"God really used her in soo many ways and ya know thru this year I have thought about it in so many ways as to why, and the best answer that came to me one morning, was this... Her going from this world wasn't about us.  Wasn't about any of us.  It was her!  I think that was Gods way of rewarding her!  I know that sounds weird, how can that be a reward for her leaving us, but I think God was saying, "Well job my child, your work on earth is done." and he brought her home as a celebration of HIS love for her so she wouldn't have to endure anymore pain, sickness or tragedy that He felt she could not handle.  Although leaving us has been hard and sad for us, that's the only reason that makes any sense to my.  It's logical, and we as humans feel the pain, but she will NEVER anymore."

There is no explaining Mikaylah's death and why she couldn't just be healed, but these words brought a little joy to my heart.  God loved Mikaylah. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  Tammy

Mikaylah's Dream

Mikaylah wrote a book when she was 8 years old and we always had good intentions of getting it published and even taking it to Oprah!  Well as many things do, it got tucked away.  This year her Grandma and Papa made it happen.  Mikaylah passed away one year ago tomorrow and I thought this would be a great way to honor her!  Please listen!

http://youtu.be/ngMMosfaMIU

Can't seek Him.

I can't seek to please God right now.  I'm not sure why.  My WHOLE life I have seeked to please and have tried to make good choices and decisions and honestly I am the happiest when I'm doing good for others, but right now it seems I only have time for my thoughts and God could have changed my destination, but didn't.  He could have healed Mikaylah but chose not to.  Why?  I know we live in a fallen world I know life is not perfect and we have free choice, but if I am suppose to praise and worship God and pray to Him and aim to please Him... why can't He intervene when I really need Him.  Not that He hasn't but this was like MAJOR-LIFE CHANGING.  I know in my head/ or that the right way to think is because He could see the future, He knew what Mikaylah may have to endure later, but right now I just can't accept that as an answer. 

Birthday's In Heaven?

So yesterday was my Grandma Mercer's birthday.  She passed away May 26, 2004.  I miss her.  I started wondering if Mikaylah was helping her celebrate the day.  Mikaylah had a special bond with Grandma, I want to say the bond got stronger after Grandma passed away.  Mikaylah was given a little quilt that was Grandma's, and from the day she got it she slept with it.  She used it for comfort.  It literally went to the hospital, into surgeries, and on every vacation or overnight stay we had.  Mikaylah would cry the few times we forgot it.  It wasn't like she was a little toddler when she got it, it was just her connection with Grandma and I think to heaven too.  I'm sure when Mikaylah arrived in heaven she no longer needed her blanket because her Grandma was there.

I started to think about birthdays here on earth.  I have to say that NOTHING can top the feelings I had the day my kids were born.  The feelings of complete love, the love that no matter what NOTHING can stop it.  Different than any other kind of love.  Its a love that never ends, never gets less.  I also felt a complete sense of responsibility, that physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, developmentally, I had to bring this little baby to adulthood someday and that the goal was to raise a happy, loving, society involved, relational, productive adult.  The responsibility was so heavy but yet wouldn't trade it for anything.  There was also this overwhelming feeling of FEAR.  Fear that I would fail, but that fear did not keep me from that first feeling of complete LOVE.  I was so incredible PROUD of my kids at birth.  They hadn't even accomplished anything, but I wanted to show everyone my wonderful and cutest children!  When my kids were born I already had DREAMS for them.  For some reason I always thought Chris would be involved in sports and Mikaylah I thought would motivate others! 

Well I like to think Mikaylah planned and celebrated with Grandma yesterday.  Celebrated what?  The life she had on earth?  But really her Death Date is her new birth date, because that was the day she was born into heaven her forever home!  I wonder if in heaven that is the new birthday or if you celebrate on that day.  I wonder if God is as happy to see people enter heaven as we were the day we gave birth to our children.  I would like to think so.  That our saddest, most unhappiest day, the day someone dies is actually one of their happiest days.  As morbid as that sounds we would not want our loved ones to feel what we are feeling.  It comforts me to know Mikaylah is enjoying Grandma and that she is happily walking around with her! 

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

IT'S WHY DAY...  SO MANY TIMES WE DON'T SAY THE WORDS OUT LOUD BECAUSE WE WANT TO ACCEPT WHAT COMES OUR WAY.  WE WANT TO ACCEPT THAT THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE HAS OUR BACK AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART, BUT TODAY I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM MAD!  AT WHO I DO NOT KNOW... I GUESS AT THE SITUATION, AT GOD, AT ME, AT MIKAYLAH, AT THE DOCTORS, JUST ANYONE THAT HAD A HAND IN THIS! 

WHY? THAT'S THE QUESTION.  WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING SO DIFFERENT AND BAD?  WHY? DIDN'T HER DOCTORS MONITOR HER MORE AFTER 6 AND A HALF WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL? WHY? DID SHE GIVE UP? WHY? DIDN'T SHE FIGHT HARDER TO STAY WITH US? SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE. 

 I MISS HER. MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. I HATE MY LIFE NOW.  CHRIS IS GROWN UP, WHAT DO I DO NOW? I WANT HER BACK- I WANT THAT SMILE AND SASSY ATTITUDE.  I MISS HER- SO AGAIN I ASK WHY?

(For those family and friends who worry non stop about me, know that I am not suicidal.  I just have to get these feeling out and onto paper.  Thank you for your support and love and prayers!  You are all priceless to me!  Love to all.)