Loyal? Faithful?

Loyalty... What does that mean?

I have always described Chris, my son as a very loyal person.  He doesn't like change and when he commits to something he refuses to turn his back on it... He is loyal to not only people but decisions he makes regarding health and goals.

Each one of us can ask ourselves are we loyal?

Definition:

loyals: These are people you can trust to have your back all the time, you can close your eyes when sleeping and they got you covered or turn your back on them after handing them a knife or gun and not have to worry that they will be tempted to use it on you. They never abandon you.

Faithful to a person or a cause; firmly in alliance to somebody or something. Always there for somebody when they need you.

In some parts of my life I have been faithful... Of course the one that you need to be most faithful in I failed... Lol... MARRIAGE!  At least I'm not alone in that one.  We committed to forever but only made it about 15 years... We were faithful a lot of years and even through the hard times I wouldn't change it. I have wonderful children and I learned so much through those years...

I do believe we really tried... For the first several years I never said anything negative about him... Simple because I didn't want people to think badly about him and even after he did 18 months in anger management in house treatment program I still wanted to make it work.  I believe we had a true love for each other we just couldn't seem to make it work... Wether it was his passed, my codependency, a child with a disability... I'm not sure...

LOYAL... FAITHFUL... Hum...

I have to say I was TOTALLY and completely faithful to my children... They had my complete and full attention and there best interest was always my goal.  I put my life on hold to make sure they had everything they needed and wanted... Was this healthy?  Well I can only say I'm pretty proud of the way Chris turned out... Was it worth my own sacrifice? Absolutely...    

Loyal... To friends...

Do you have friends who have been there through thick and thin?  Have you been there for them? Have you never said a bad thing behind their back? Have you told them what you really think to their face? Have they told you a thing or two? That's what a true friend is... May not always be together but when you are its real... Its deep... Through the good and bad of this life we call a journey.

Well I NEVER dreamed I would find another man I could be loyal and loving with... Well my heart is starting to open a little each day.  Meaningful relationships make our life fun, happy, challenging, and full...  At this point in my life it always comes back to my kids... I miss the life I had, but I am enjoying the life I now have... There is no going back... Forward is the only choice.  

Maybe you have had a life change, maybe someone has not been loyal to you... That hurt can be used to make sure you are faithful and loyal don't let that hurt stop you from having full happy relationships!  We only have one life... One journey...  And we use the things that have happened to us in all the chapters of our life.

I hope there is someone or lots of someone's in your life you can dedicate this song too!

http://youtu.be/yJYXItns2ik

 

This CPS job!

Life issues...  so as a social worker with CPS there is never a truly dull moment.  Sometimes I'm amazed at the things people endure...  And sometimes I'm amazed at how similar my life is to theirs... I just chose a different way to deal with the things that come my way.

 

My day started out with a meeting with a couple who had a visit with their children... a SUPERVISED one hour visit... In a room that has a camera and microphone... I'm sitting at a computer screen listening and watching each and every move they make.  It kind of took me back to those early years when I would take the kids out and if they misbehaved or talked to loud I would be embarrassed and wonder what I should do because everyone had their eyes on me... JUDGING me... seeing what I would do.  Then sometimes I would think OMG someone is going to call CPS on us.  Well now guess what, its me they call... after the visit I sat down with the parents... today we talked about the depression that sets in when there's not enough money, or when they disagree on discipline or other life issues... what did they do when they got depressed???  Turned to drugs... laid in bed and didn't clean the house.  They let the depression take over.  How do you learn to use other coping mechanisms when you've used the same ones for 15 years?  Then I began to think... that could have been me...

My second SUPERVISED visit was with a mom that had not seen her 3 beautiful children in 3 months.  After the visit I sat down with the mom... I asked her about her relationship with the kids dad... She said didn't you read the file?  I said you know I want to hear the story first hand from you, then I want to start right now moving in a different direction... She began to tell me a story of domestic violence and how she doesn't have loving relationships with men anymore because they can't be trusted.  She said I know how to prevent future domestic violence relationships... don't get into relationships...  As she talked she suddenly said you know I think I need to see a counselor and talk about some of these feelings and dig a little deeper then what I have dug in the past.  Then I realized... this is me... this is what I did for the last 10 years... after being in a domestic violence relationship... I put all men in that category of not caring of not loving... I'm so thankful I didn't chose to cover my feelings with drugs and neglect of my children... but that could have been me...

So much of the time we judge others... like our way is always right... Yeah people make wrong choices, but we are just one step away from where they are, by making one wrong decision.  Who among us is not hiding something in our life?  A feeling... A addiction... Unforgiveness... Hatefulness... Meanness... Yeah I have people all around me telling me all the time... I need to change how I think of people... get harder... don't think good of people because most of them are not good... Well I can't do that... I don't want to change... I don't want to get hard... I want to have compassion... I want to be that one person they look back and say... they cared... Yeah I may only see one parent change, but that's okay... One is enough!

Dear Mikaylah Partin...

Dear Mikaylah,

What would I want to tell you if I could actually talk to you today?  I've been sitting here thinking... I wonder if you see me... I wonder if you think of me... What if I could send you a letter, a message?  Would it bring you happiness?  Sadness? Indifference? 

Girlie, we miss you!  Everyday seems like it is missing something without you here.  Every morning for just a few moments I think of you and how I wish I was coming in your room to get you ready for the day.  I wish I could see what you would be at 17... OMG 17... I wonder if that really bad attitude would be less, but your feisty fiery spirit would still be there.  I wonder if you would laugh till you couldn't breath and we would laugh just because you were...

Are you happy where your at?  Are you in heaven?  Are you just spirit?  Are you alone or with others?  So many questions.  Are you glad you left your pain and family and friends behind or would it had been worth it to keep the pain and stay with us?  I have to be honest girlie... I miss YOU, but I do not miss the hospitals and the pain you endured!

Mikaylah you would be so proud of Chris.  He has moved down south to be with Monique.  I know how much you liked Monique and wanted to have a sister.  They are not married, but I bet someday they will be.  Even though you are not here she will techniquely be your sister.  Your brother is so disciplined, he says that because you were always such a go getter that gives him strength to achieve anything he wants.

Guess what?  Your grandma and papa are traveling... that would drive you nuts because you would have to come home to an empty house after school.  They are having so much fun being free to just enjoy life and see things and not have to worry about the cares of this world. 

You know what Mikaylah?  I'm starting to laugh and smile and feel happy again on the inside.  At times I feel guilty for feeling happy and for moving on with life, but then I realize that that's what you would have wanted for me.  You would have wanted me to find love and to laugh like there is no tomorrow and live life to the fullest.  I'm really trying baby girl.  There are times when I feel extremely alone, but they are fewer than even a few months ago.

Your Uncle Tom needs your positive thoughts and strength baby... Aunt Carol and the boys always need you and miss you so much!  Alan played baseball and he did so good.  You would have loved being at the baseball games and you would have yelled so loud Alan would have been embarrassed.  We all miss that personality! 

Mikaylah you would be so happy they put in a middle divider in by the Jr. High... now everyone has to go to the light to cross!  No cheaters!

Baby girl there will never be a day I don't want to see your beautiful face and feel your hand holding mine.  To hear your voice and your laughter... to see your independence and the dreams you would have for yourself by now.  Just know that we are missing you ALWAYS.

Love,
Mom

PS.  If you have read this letter and want to talk to Mikaylah to let her know how your doing or if you have questions or want to vent... Please leave a letter in the comments addressed to her...

Love to all!

New People...

It hit me today... Everyone in my life is new... If you consider a year or less...  A few years ago I had people in my life that had been there for years... 

Then DEATH hit our family... Then nothing could be the same.   People... Myself included couldn't handle the "elephant" in the room.  So I made new friends.  

This was fine until today when I realized who do you call on when you don't have anyone... My boyfriend says "me" and I'm ever so thankful but what if he wasn't available...  Then what...

I've lived in Turlock the last 24 years... I moved around a lot growing up and I always wanted my kids to grow up in the same place... Why? For what?  

Building a totally new life is not easy... At times it's painful... Other times it's rewarding and warm.  I just wish there was a mix... The old and the new.  I don't blame anyone but myself... I had to pull away just so I could survive the pain.

To the very few family and friends that have stuck around thank you and I am ever so thankful we made it through the hard times... You know who you are.  

To my new friends I love you all and thank you for welcoming me into your circle.   I feel so grateful.  So even though I head to bed with tears I'm thankful and grateful for a new life... 

LIFE UPDATE... YOUR HELP IS NEEDED, LOL!!!

A brand new life is sometimes so hard to live.  I look back to 22 months ago and what my life consisted of and I can't believe how much one can change in that length of time.  How does it happen?  I look back and sometimes wonder how did I get here.  Life goes so quickly.  I tell myself its time to live.  Time to live life for myself.  Time to get out there and build friendships, find that special someone, a companion.  Life is not going to wait for me, its going to keep moving forward and I don't want to be 90 and look back and say... I wish, I should have... I want to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!  

MIKAYLAH is not wishing she were living life to the fullest.  She is living the fullest in the presence of God.  I'm very glad she does not have grief or the sense of loss, she is completely whole, completely healed!  I am thankful for that.  She wants me to be happy, she wanted that for me when she was here.

As a single mom I never really thought of getting married again.  I had to many things to keep me busy, to many responsibilities to Chris and Mikaylah and I didn't want to make a mistake and marry the wrong person.  Now I desire to have a someone to build a life with.  So everyone within ear distance be on the outlook.  You all know me and I need help finding that special someone, so if you know anyone special send them my way!!!! LOL!!!!  

This weeks work was so difficult and stressful.  Taking a little 2 day old baby from its parents at the hospital is heartbreaking.  Walking out of the hospital with such precious cargo, putting that 6 pound baby in the infant seat, and driving away was almost more responsibility then I could handle.  I kept thinking about this little baby in the back seat.  Took me back to bringing my little ones home from the hospital.  I sat in the back seat with them making sure they were okay, making sure they were safe and breathing.  This little baby sat alone in the back seat with nobody fussing over him.  HEARTBREAKING!  So many little children out there with parents who do love them, but have so many bad choices in life they cannot take care of their children.  Looking into the eyes of a parent and saying there is absolutely nothing you can do at this moment to stop this is the really bad part of my job.  

The first year Mikaylah passed away I had this tightening in my throat, I saw it as the representation of all the grief and missing and everyday I had to push it down; it wanted to come up, but I had to do all the life things so I had to push it down.  The tightening returned this week.  I had to push all the emotions down.  Stoically standing in front of the parents confronting issues, taking the baby, transporting the baby, and then writing a court document telling all the reasons why this precious baby had to be placed in protective custody.  Such a difficult job.  I now understand why there is a huge burnout amoung social workers.  

So this is the new life!  New job, new love, new life!  I'm going to love this life.  Its not anything like my previous life, its a whole NEW one.  Thanks for listening and don't forget to send those special guys my way!  HEEHEE!!!

                     

I miss Spina Bifida

I know, a weird thing to say.  How can a person miss what is not suppose to be?  Or what is considered by society to be a flaw, a mistake, a desease, an illness; how can one miss that?  

I miss spina bifida because:

It brought Mikaylah to me.

It brought a loving, spunky, full of life daughter into my life.

It caused people to view Mikaylah as strong.

It helped others see that if Mikaylah with all her struggles could be happy and continue living life then they could too.

It gave me purpose.

It gave me something to participate in: support groups, research, friends.

It gave me insight into emergency rooms.

It let me meet social workers, doctors, hundreds of awesome nurses.  (Some we worked with since Mikaylah's birth.)

It gave my son compassion for disabilities and different abled people.

It gave me the experience to educate others on how to treat those with disabilities and to teach that to children so they could know.

It gave me connections to doctors to have conferences for the local community.

It allowed me to participate in my daughters life in ways most parents do not get to.  

It allowed me to spend time with Mikaylah and have her as not only a daughter, but a companion.

Hospital stays brought us closer as we spent time holding hands, praying, and talking about secrets.

It allowed me to meet people I never would have met.

It allowed me to see how others feel when they are different than everyone else.  (Minorities)

It allowed me to have a voice.   (When others would ask what was wrong with her, I would educate them, "There's nothing wrong with her, whats wrong with you?")

It helped me slow down.

It helped me to appreciate the small stuff.

It taught me to not take things for granted to celebrate every milestone.

It taught me that potty training is not the most important thing.

That walking isn't everything.

It taught me that getting somewhere on-time isn't always posible, plan for accidents!

Always take an extra set of cloths.

Eating isn't easy for everyone.

It taught me that sleep and rest is important for a body.

It taught me that pain is good: it gives you signs that something is wrong.

It taught me to depend on others and to ask for help.

It taught me that God doesn't always have healing in mind.  That sometimes he creates a baby in a mother's womb and they are perfect in His sight, but not in this worlds sight.  He creates that child for a reason, for a purpose, for the reasons listed above.  As much as our church wanted Mikaylah healed, as much as they prayed, she wasn't healed.  Why do you think this was?  Some might say because we didn't have enough faith, others say we needed to press in more... why can't we just believe that Mikaylah was right where God wanted her.  That he had a specific plan for her and it included Spina Bifida.  

This month is Spina Bifida Awareness Month...  I'm not going to lie Spina Bifida was the best and worst thing that has happened to me thus far.  It gave me Mikaylah and it took her away.  

The day she was born was the first time I had heard the word Spina Bifida and I heard it after the nurse delivered her.  The nurse was screaming, the nurse did not know what to do.  I was confused and scared and wanted to know what was wrong.  Mikaylah was beautiful.  That began our journey with Spina Bifida and we studied and accepted her with open arms and she gave us everything we needed.  She was perfect.  Even with all her challenges and hospital stays she was perfect.  It wasn't till 2010 that we decided after several years of putting it off to have a surgery that could help Mikaylah become independent with her bladder and bowel maintanence.  That surgery seemed to bring the independence she needed, but with it came complications that eventually took her life.  Her paralysis did not allow her to feel the pain of infection that took over her body.  

What I take from this... all the above.  Accept people.  Don't judge the will of God for others lives.  Don't tell others what God wants for them, thats not your job.  Love people, learn lessons from others.  Live each day as if it were your last.  Be thankful.  Be grateful even when you feel there is nothing to be grateful for.  Look around you and embrace differences.  Everyone does not need to be the same.  Normal is in the eyes of the beholder.  Talk to people.  Show interest.  Be honest with yourself.  Embrace the journey.  Love your family, without judgement.  Love your friends and support them.

 

THE VERY NAME... MOM

                      

         

It's amazing how it happens.  A child grows within and the moment that child enters the world you are forever a "Mom".  You have a new name and a new role.  Something you never again lose.  Not like a job that can be taken away.  Once a mother always a mother.  Even if your child dies at birth or shortly after you are still a mom.  

When we think of our mom some of us have thoughts of extreme connection and heartfelt love and others have anger or hurt.  Even if anger and hurt are the feelings you have that anger is because we all know that a mom is suppose to love her children, is suppose to protect and care for her children with no regard for herself.  Mom's take care of the needs of her children from birth.  We feed them either from a bottle or breast but we are the reason they live.  Without a mothers care to feed, diaper, and hold, babies would not survive.  Mother's spend sleepless nights and when we gaze into the eyes of our baby we can't seem to stop looking.  The connection we feel and the overwhelming feelings of love take over our hearts at times.  Mother's can literally spend hours watching our babies sleep.  A baby changes your life.  Babies don't always come at the most opportune times... sometimes your are to young, to old, not married, in the middle of a job change, poor, but none the less you become a mom.  Even those who give their babies in adoption are still forever changed, they are forever a mom.

                                   

As our children grow we can't wait till they say MOM.  We coach them hoping they will say our name before they say anyone else's.  We cannot wait to hear the words of our name come from our children.  And when they finally say our name we smile and it feels so natural!  The older our children get the more we hear our name being called.  I think it was somewhere around age 5 my children would call my name every few minutes!  There was actually a time I said, I'm going to change my name!  But of course I did not!  

        

Despite everything else we do working, cleaning, laundry, cooking, family get togethers, birthdays... we know that being a mother takes precidents.  If our child gets sick we are there to make sure they get better, if the school calls we go take care of it, if our child is crying we comfort, if our child needs cloths or supplies we take them.  If we realize what we have; we talk to our children, we spend time playing games and watching movies, going to sports events, musicals, and experiencing life together.  

As we head into teen years our children do not say our name quite as much... they say it but not always in a nice way!!!  They start to not need us as much.  It's hard as a mom because we have put our absolute everything into loving and caring for our children.  It's during these years we question if we did the right thing when they were little and growing.  Its amazing though that no matter what our child says or does in teenage years we love them.  It's a neverending, neverstopping love of a mother.  

                                         

I'm at the point in my Mom journey that I really miss hearing that name, "MOM."  At one point I might have heard that name 100 or more times a day, now there are some days I never hear that word.  The other day I was sitting on the patio and Chris yelled out the door, "Bye Mom, I love you."  My heart was overwhelmed.  Hearing my 19 year old say my name makes my heart feel complete, but it also brought a sadness that as my child gets older I will hear that word less and less, because sooner or later he will move out and I won't talk to him everyday!  For me it also brought the reminder that I will never again hear my Mikaylah say my name.  I have to say I miss hearing her say, "mom!"  I grieve for every card, letter, picture, hug that I would get for the next 40 years!  I will never have another letter that reads, "Mom I love you, Mikaylah."  So I cherish the ones I have!  

The natural order is the child losing the Mom.  That is not easy either.  I love calling my mom... talking to her.  I know she is the one who prays for me and who to this day would still give her life for me.  I have seen her struggle with losing her mom.  I am sure she misses using that name, "MOM."  The name mom is reserved for moms or people in our lives who act as a mom.  So when our mom is gone from this world we never again use that name.  

Moral of this story...

If you have small children, relish that they say your name often.  Remember that time passes quick and these days cannot be relived.  Time waits for no one and keeps marching on.  The next time they call your name, "Mom."  Recognize the feeling you have when you hear that name!

If you have teenagers, remember they are not going to be this age forever and that they love you, they are just trying to spread their wings a little.  When these years pass, the next step is to their own life, a life that you will be part of but not as much.

If you have adult children, call often and love them for the life they lead even if you don't agree.

If you have a mom love them, call them, write them, say their name often and let them know you appreciate them.  When your mom is gone from this world you will not get that opportunity again.  

Life is ever so short and loss is evident and will happen to each of us we do not want to look back with regret, we want to look back and say I took every opportunity to let those around me know I love them whether Mom or Child!

TO MY MIKAYLAH:

      

I THINK SHE KNEW THIS IS HOW I FELT.  I DON'T REGRET, BUT I DO WISH I HAD SPENT MORE TIME MAKING SURE SHE KNEW I LOVED HER.  AND I SPENT A LOT OF TIME.  MAYBE WE WILL ALWAYS WISH WE HAD SPENT MORE TIME TELLING OUR LOVED ONES.  EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT GET TO SEE HER GROW INTO WOMANHOOD, I KNOW THAT SHE HAS GROWN INTO A COMPLETE, WHOLE, AND PERFECT SPIRITUAL BEING IN HEAVEN.  I LOVE YOU MIKAYLAH!