FROM A MOTHER'S HEART... one year later

I dreaded this day.  Why?  Because it meant that a year had passed.  That time was not standing still that somehow it would be worse as time passed.  Well this morning as I woke up I thought... this cannot be the worst day of my life because one year ago today was the worst day of my life.  Mikaylah's best day was my worst day.  As time passes on my fear is that Mikaylah will be forgotten that she will somehow disappear.  That as I begin to build my life without her that she will no longer have a place.  Sadness fills my mind as I think about leaving her behind. 

Throughout this last week I realized through the many messages, texts, cards, facebook memory posts, that everyone still remembers her and misses her.  That she really did make an impact on others and she is not being forgotten even after a year has passed.   This was very comforting to me. 

I miss her... I miss her smile... I miss her laugh... I miss the way her eyes dance... I miss her yelling... I miss her bossiness... I miss the way she talked to everyone when we were out... I miss not being alone... I miss getting her up in the morning... I miss talking her everywhere I go... I miss picking her up at her Grandma and Papa's... I miss taking her to church... I miss laying on her bed and getting the latest drama of the day... I miss the way she would hold my hand... I miss her helping cook dinner... I miss hearing Justin Bieber... I miss hearing the animal rescue shows and TLC shows... I miss seeing her excited face when friends were coming over... I miss the way she loved to shop... I miss the way she was always thinking of what she could do for others... I miss the person I was before she left this earth... I miss the life I had when she was here... I miss my purpose in life... I miss everything about her the good, the bad, the ugly.

I do not miss her calling me because she is sick... I do not miss hospital stays (I do miss the doctors, nurses, therapist, social workers.)... I do not miss her sadness regarding her immobility...

The list of misses far out ways the not misses.  I will never feel good about my child leaving me and I will never feel whole again.  However, I can feel good that she feels no pain, that she is happy and running free, and that she is home! 

Last night my cousin sent me a text and it was comforting I want to share it:

"God really used her in soo many ways and ya know thru this year I have thought about it in so many ways as to why, and the best answer that came to me one morning, was this... Her going from this world wasn't about us.  Wasn't about any of us.  It was her!  I think that was Gods way of rewarding her!  I know that sounds weird, how can that be a reward for her leaving us, but I think God was saying, "Well job my child, your work on earth is done." and he brought her home as a celebration of HIS love for her so she wouldn't have to endure anymore pain, sickness or tragedy that He felt she could not handle.  Although leaving us has been hard and sad for us, that's the only reason that makes any sense to my.  It's logical, and we as humans feel the pain, but she will NEVER anymore."

There is no explaining Mikaylah's death and why she couldn't just be healed, but these words brought a little joy to my heart.  God loved Mikaylah. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  Tammy

Mikaylah's Dream

Mikaylah wrote a book when she was 8 years old and we always had good intentions of getting it published and even taking it to Oprah!  Well as many things do, it got tucked away.  This year her Grandma and Papa made it happen.  Mikaylah passed away one year ago tomorrow and I thought this would be a great way to honor her!  Please listen!

http://youtu.be/ngMMosfaMIU

Can't seek Him.

I can't seek to please God right now.  I'm not sure why.  My WHOLE life I have seeked to please and have tried to make good choices and decisions and honestly I am the happiest when I'm doing good for others, but right now it seems I only have time for my thoughts and God could have changed my destination, but didn't.  He could have healed Mikaylah but chose not to.  Why?  I know we live in a fallen world I know life is not perfect and we have free choice, but if I am suppose to praise and worship God and pray to Him and aim to please Him... why can't He intervene when I really need Him.  Not that He hasn't but this was like MAJOR-LIFE CHANGING.  I know in my head/ or that the right way to think is because He could see the future, He knew what Mikaylah may have to endure later, but right now I just can't accept that as an answer. 

Birthday's In Heaven?

So yesterday was my Grandma Mercer's birthday.  She passed away May 26, 2004.  I miss her.  I started wondering if Mikaylah was helping her celebrate the day.  Mikaylah had a special bond with Grandma, I want to say the bond got stronger after Grandma passed away.  Mikaylah was given a little quilt that was Grandma's, and from the day she got it she slept with it.  She used it for comfort.  It literally went to the hospital, into surgeries, and on every vacation or overnight stay we had.  Mikaylah would cry the few times we forgot it.  It wasn't like she was a little toddler when she got it, it was just her connection with Grandma and I think to heaven too.  I'm sure when Mikaylah arrived in heaven she no longer needed her blanket because her Grandma was there.

I started to think about birthdays here on earth.  I have to say that NOTHING can top the feelings I had the day my kids were born.  The feelings of complete love, the love that no matter what NOTHING can stop it.  Different than any other kind of love.  Its a love that never ends, never gets less.  I also felt a complete sense of responsibility, that physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, developmentally, I had to bring this little baby to adulthood someday and that the goal was to raise a happy, loving, society involved, relational, productive adult.  The responsibility was so heavy but yet wouldn't trade it for anything.  There was also this overwhelming feeling of FEAR.  Fear that I would fail, but that fear did not keep me from that first feeling of complete LOVE.  I was so incredible PROUD of my kids at birth.  They hadn't even accomplished anything, but I wanted to show everyone my wonderful and cutest children!  When my kids were born I already had DREAMS for them.  For some reason I always thought Chris would be involved in sports and Mikaylah I thought would motivate others! 

Well I like to think Mikaylah planned and celebrated with Grandma yesterday.  Celebrated what?  The life she had on earth?  But really her Death Date is her new birth date, because that was the day she was born into heaven her forever home!  I wonder if in heaven that is the new birthday or if you celebrate on that day.  I wonder if God is as happy to see people enter heaven as we were the day we gave birth to our children.  I would like to think so.  That our saddest, most unhappiest day, the day someone dies is actually one of their happiest days.  As morbid as that sounds we would not want our loved ones to feel what we are feeling.  It comforts me to know Mikaylah is enjoying Grandma and that she is happily walking around with her! 

WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

IT'S WHY DAY...  SO MANY TIMES WE DON'T SAY THE WORDS OUT LOUD BECAUSE WE WANT TO ACCEPT WHAT COMES OUR WAY.  WE WANT TO ACCEPT THAT THE GOD OF THE UNIVERSE HAS OUR BACK AND OUR BEST INTEREST AT HEART, BUT TODAY I WRITE IN ALL CAPS BECAUSE I AM MAD!  AT WHO I DO NOT KNOW... I GUESS AT THE SITUATION, AT GOD, AT ME, AT MIKAYLAH, AT THE DOCTORS, JUST ANYONE THAT HAD A HAND IN THIS! 

WHY? THAT'S THE QUESTION.  WHY DIDN'T I NOTICE SHE WAS LOOKING SO DIFFERENT AND BAD?  WHY? DIDN'T HER DOCTORS MONITOR HER MORE AFTER 6 AND A HALF WEEKS IN THE HOSPITAL? WHY? DID SHE GIVE UP? WHY? DIDN'T SHE FIGHT HARDER TO STAY WITH US? SHE WAS A BEAUTIFUL LIFE. 

 I MISS HER. MY LIFE IS FALLING APART. I HATE MY LIFE NOW.  CHRIS IS GROWN UP, WHAT DO I DO NOW? I WANT HER BACK- I WANT THAT SMILE AND SASSY ATTITUDE.  I MISS HER- SO AGAIN I ASK WHY?

(For those family and friends who worry non stop about me, know that I am not suicidal.  I just have to get these feeling out and onto paper.  Thank you for your support and love and prayers!  You are all priceless to me!  Love to all.)

Miraculous Mikaylah

I was going through some of my old journals and found this one from March, 1998.  Mikaylah was a year old.

 It's titled:  Miraculous Mikaylah

Mikaylah is her name.  She is beautiful.  She is my little girl.  Mikaylah was born March 17, 1997.  My pregnancy was like any other and by March 17th I was ready to have my little baby in my arms.  My doctor did not show up and the nurse delivered Mikaylah.  There was great confusion and Mikaylah was taken to the nursery.  What a night.  My first thoughts were what did I do wrong?  And my second thought was of my son Christopher.  How I had prepared him for a healthy perfect brother or sister.  Telling him he could come to the hospital and then we would bring our little baby home.  My next thought was Spina Bifida- What exactly is that?  I had heard of it about 2 months earlier at a baby store.  A couple had come in with a beautiful baby girl who was born with Spina Bifida and also had a shunt.  I remember thinking at the time as people were asking whether or not this baby would play sports, "They love their baby even if it doesn't."  Those words came back to me that night.

That first night I remember feeling shocked, helpless, and as if I was on the outside looking in.  Our ministers wife came to minister God to me and our family.  What a blessing it was to have someone pray with me through this unknowing time.  Family members began to come and the support of my cousin Janice and dear friend Tera was a God send.  Finally the time came to see Mikaylah.  Her whole back was covered and I could see nothing.  Nothing could have prepared me for what was under that bandage.  I prayed God take care of my little baby GIRL.  I realized at that time that God not I is in TOTAL control of all things.  When Mikaylah was taken that night from the hospital and taken to UCSF it felt as if I was abandoning my baby.  I wanted so desperately to comfort her, to hold her, to feed her, and just kiss all her hurts away. 

That night was a night of wondering... what is Spina Bifida, what is the outcome, will my baby die before I get there? Realizing that God owned Mikaylah and He had a plan I was right where God wanted me TOTALLY dependant on Him.

Once again here I am.  I can keep asking... why?  how could this happen?  or I can once again depend on God and become totally dependant on Him.  He had her best interest at heart 14 years ago and he had her best interest at heart 8 months ago today.  He had mercy on her and He decided to heal her and give her life abundant and to bring her home with Him. 

Back to School.

August 9th.  The summer is almost over.  Time to head back to school.  Another new season.  For the last 12 + years I have been taking my kids to back to school shopping.  New cloths and school supplies.  You might say, well thank God your out of that stage, look at the money you will save.  To me its just another change that I didn't want to make.  This is so much harder than I ever could have imagined it would be.  August always brought a sense of "back in the schedule of things."  A newness and time to make this year really count.  When Chris was younger it meant football games and early bedtimes.  For Mikaylah it meant strict schedules and hanging with friends back at school.  This year we would have been getting ready for high school.  Last year we were starting to talk about it.  She really wanted to go to Turlock High School and she wanted to walk, or should I say roll to school.  I was not to hip on the idea because there are a lot of main roads and a lot of crazy people.  I think we had pretty much settled on Pitman High because she could walk from Grandma and Papa's.  All that doesn't really matter now, because she decided to attend a higher education with God.  She doesn't have to Roll anymore she can run, walk, float...  I miss her so much.

Summer brought change.  We now have a guest room.  A few people have stayed in it!  It has different curtains, pictures, bed comforter.  Yet it has many of Mikaylah's knick knacks and memories.  I am glad my mom and dad helped me, but it was so hard.  Its hard to explain the pain that I feel.  I feel like my heart is literally being ripped out at times and yet I have to swallow to keep all the emotions down.  Sometimes I feel like there is literally something blocking my throat and I have come to realize it is just all the emotions I hold inside. 

People really do try to be nice and supportive, but they do judge.  Some think I have moved on, some think I need to move on, and some think I am so strong.  I have not moved on, I am not going to move on, and I am not strong.  My mind is constantly consumed with thoughts of Mikaylah.  Mostly of the last 72 hours of her life.  Just trying to make sense of it.  Trying to understand.  Last night I was sitting at the dinner table with Chris, my nephew Alan and his friend James.  All of the sudden my thought was, "Where's Mikaylah?"  Then it went to, "She would have hated these corn dogs and chili."  Then a real missing of her laughing and how I can't really hear it in my mind anymore.  How she loved company.  This is actually Alan's first visit to my house without Mikaylah.  There has never been a time in his life that he has visited and she wasn't here.  He refuses to sleep in the guest room and thinks her room feels funny.  Doesn't even want to use that bathroom.  That is very sad, very heart wrenching.  How do we move on without her moving on with us.  She disappeared and we will NEVER have a new memory or good time with her.  Now as I was thinking this during our dinner I had to hold my emotions down and  smile.

 Its not that I don't have good times because I do, its just that there is this blanket of dark that is there all the time. I have never felt darkness like this.  I know that God will bring me through.  I do have faith that someday things will be better, but for now my world is dark and it rains most days.  Yes I am alive.  I will be going back to school, work, and will even socialize, but life always has the blanket and I am never truly excited about the future.  How long will it take to build a new life?  Only time will tell.  So as summer comes to an end and we move into a new season I walk forward and I just may bless someone with a little shopping spree so that there will be something familiar, something normal about this back to school season.

What is the meaning of life?????????  Anyone know? 

22 years ago yesterday I said my "I do's" and started my life.  I was 19 years old and thought, "I am going to start my life now!  Be a wife, become a mother, watch my kids grow up and get marrried and have families.  Then I will grow old with the man I love!"  I grew up in a loving home with family gatherings and dinners together at the table.  I loved the Lord and wanted to go to the nations to preach of His love.  I really thought that God would take me to other countries and I would work with orphanes and widows sharing God's love in practical ways.  Almost five years into marriage Chris was born and he was the joy of my life!  He was active and full of life, always keeping me on my toes.  And my husband was always working, his way of showing love was working, making money!  And there was this other angry side of him and just finding out I was pregnant with my second baby he went into an anger management program.  Life just wasn't what I thought it was going to be, but that was okay because I had my son and another on the way and I loved being a mom and it was something I thought I was good at and my kids were everything to me.  Then Mikaylah was born with Spina Bifida and once again our lives changed.  But that was okay because I believed God had a plan for our lives.  I could be a mom to a special needs child.  No problem!  I could sing the songs of God's faithfulness and in the good and bad times He was still Lord and I had a purpose, that purpose was to raise my children.  Dave and I divorced after 14 years of marriage, but I knew I could make it through because God loves me and He had a plan and I had my kids and they needed me and I needed them. 

But when Mikaylah passed away in December and Chris turned 18 in February...  now what?  What is His plan?  Is there a plan?  For 22 years I had purpose and meaning.  A wife and a mother!  My kids were my priority.  Yes I was involved in ministry and college, but my true purpose was being a mother.  And I know in my mind that I am still a mother to Chris and Mikaylah and Chris does need me, but its not the same.  He doesn't need me to be involved in every area of his life and Mikaylah isn't here.  So now what about me?  What is my purpose?  What is my life?  I feel very detached like the person I was 6 months ago doesn't exist anymore.  She is gone and now I have to find out who Tamra Deon Partin is again. 

For the last several years one of my favorite songs has been, Blessed Be Your Name. 

"Blessed be your name, In the land that is plentiful, Where the streams of abundance flow, Blessed be your name."  It's easy to bless God's name when everything is going well and life is full of excitement and good times.  That's when you sing this song with smiles and clapping.  Thanking God for every good thing. 

"Blessed be your name, When I'm found in the desert place, Though I walk through the wilderness, Blessed be your name."  And you know I didn't find it difficult to sing this when I walked through my divorce and when Mikaylah was born, because I could trust God that He would turn things for His good.  I had purpose and the trials of life only gave me more reasons to overcome and I saw that my hard times gave strength to others that they could overcome their trials and tribulations because they saw Mikaylah and I and we were overcomers and so they could also overcome.  So even at times I sang this song with tears running down my face I knew that God's name was to be praised.

Now it's almost impossible to sing this song.  I am in the desert place and at this moment I cannot see the good, I cannot see the purpose, but I am searching. 

To hear the song click on the following link:

http://youtu.be/W1xUwzoKU8U

A sense of normal.

Well Father's Day was a hit!  I had a really good time spoiling my dad with a day out.  My dad is so hard to buy for because he buys everything he likes for himself.  Books... he buys before they come out on Amazon.  So Chris and I got him coffee for the Kuerig.  X Bold.  He likes good strong coffee.  We went for La Morinta's and Yogiliocious!  A day filled with pictures and fun times.  We even went to Lodi to visit my Grandpa Nelson's grave.  Putting flowers and remembering him always. 

Chris was in a great mood.  Joking, teasing, arguing, knowing everything, and full of lots of conversation.  He was his usual take 10 pictures to get the one that has a smiling regular smile and face.  On our way home after everything was finished I started to think... things seem kinda normal.  Kinda like I am enjoying Chris's humor.  Like this is how he has always been and I am enjoying it again.  Then I began to wonder for the last 6 months has he continued to be his normal self and I was just so stuck in my grief that I didn't notice or was he grieving and was not himself either.  I don't know.  I just know we got a glimpse of a good day, a day filled with laughter and sometimes frustration because Chris wouldn't leave me alone!  (In a good way!)  I have missed those times with him.  I hope this was the beginning of many more times.

 After I dropped Chris at home I headed to the cemetery.  Chris doesn't like to go there.  I really don't blame him because to tell you the truth, I have never liked going to the cemetery and only went there when I absolutely had to.  I would go once a year on Memorial Day to visit my grandparents.  Now I have changed because my daughter is there and I want to go visit her.  I will never have new pictures of her or new memories so I go to remember and to visit and to take pictures. 

First stop was my grandfathers grave.  I put flowers and remembered him.  I remember when we lived in Texas Grandpa and Grandma would come to visit and we would take all their stuff to the flea market to sell.  We would stay different places for the weekend.  It was fun and I loved pretending like we were camping, but making money.  Grandpa would take right guard baths and walk around trying to buy more stuff for cheap.  He will always be remembered and never forgotten.   He walks with my girl now!

Then I headed to Mikaylah's spot.  The cemetery was full and lots of people were sitting on the ground and I wondered what they were talking about maybe memories, regrets, wishes, some were drinking soda, some crying, some alone, some putting flowers.  I wonder why we can't do that.  Because its to SAD.  I wonder if we will ever be able to do that.  Death isn't something I have ever wanted to talk about or deal with, but with Mikaylah I hope someday we can just remember her and smile and laugh! 

For now I am just happy we made it through Father's Day and that I saw my precious son being normal and happy!  He even talked to his dad for about 40 minutes on the phone.  That was a miracle since they basically have no contact.  All in all I am so happy I was able to spend time with my dad and show him how much I love and appreciate him.  We were living life to the fullest!

A Video Update.

It's a 10 minute update!  Click on the following link to hear the video! 



http://youtu.be/xHRvXWSmSWg

This is beautiful...

A letter from a son to his mother?
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said:
'How is my little boy ? Is he going to be all right ? When can I see him ?'

The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.'

Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer ? Doesn't God care any more
? Where were you, God, when my son needed you ?'

The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son ? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.'

Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair. 'Would you like a lock of his hair ?' the nurse asked.

Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally.

The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to
help others if he could.'

Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car.

The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room.

She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She laid down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep.

It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Laying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said :

'Dear Mom, I know
you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him.
Jesus himself took me to see GOD ! And guess what, Mom ? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom ? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter. I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said for me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'Where was He when I needed him ?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool ? I have to give God His pen
back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore. The cancer is all gone. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery ! How about that ?

My favorite part is at the end, "God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much either.  That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me."  I choose to believe that's what happened with Mikaylah, she couldn't stand the pain and God couldn't either.  The Angel of Mercy took Mikaylah to that happy place where she has no more pain or suffering.  It hurts us, but I have to keep in focus that she is no longer hurting and no matter how much I miss her and wish I had had her longer she is in a perfect place now where she is happy ALL the time.  We can't even imagine a place like that.  Some have said to me, "God needed her or it's all God's will."  I don't believe that... I believe we live in a world with imperfection, with sin and sickness... God did not will for Mikaylah to be sick and die.  His plan was for her to live a full life with lots of opportunity for joy and happiness on earth, but sickness took Mikaylah.  Now she gets to have happiness for all eternity and we are promised of seeing her again when we get to eternity.

Summer

I think this is going to be a long summer...  I need something to keep me busy and its not cleaning.  I hate cleaning my house.  I hate cooking, grocery shopping, and anything that says domestic engineer.  I'm through with all that!  Hahahahahaha!  Actually I can never be done with all that stuff because I can't afford a house keeper, lawn keeper, or a cook!  Reality!  Its very hard being at home.  School and friends have kept me from going absolutely crazy, so now what do I do to keep from going crazy? 

Last night I couldn't sleep and Chris couldn't sleep either, we were passing each other in the hall at 3:00 am.  I wonder why we can't sleep.  My head feels like its going to explode.  I think of her every second.  I know there are so many things I can think of about life.  Chris, my parents, family, friends, school, work, internship, projects, but she consumes my thoughts, feelings, and emotions.  Last night I even wrote to the nurse at Spina Bifida Clinic that followed us from the day Mikaylah was born.  She is a great friend and came into the hospital shortly after Mikaylah passed away.  After Mikaylah died I did not go back into the room and now I wish I had because I wonder if she looked peaceful, I just wish I had taken that last opportunity to hug and love her.  Then I also asked her how the doctors and nurses were when she went in.  Did they agree with the decision to stop maintaining life?  It kills me everyday to think about it.  Did I make the right decision?  Would she have recovered if we would have fought a little harder?  All those questions consume me.  I received the following email this morning,

 "Mikayla did look very peaceful and it is totally understandable that you did not go back in her room.  Most importantly you were with her when she passed just as you were always with her thru the hard times as well as the wonderful times.  I can tell you that everyone supported your decision and commented on how you handled such a tragic situation with such dignity and love for Mikayla."

I really wish things had turned out differently.  I hate that she will not graduate from Jr. High next week.  I hate that we will not be sleeping in this summer.  I hate that she will not be taking any road trips with me.  I hate that I don't hear her laugh or scream or text or talk.  I miss her and this summer seems unbearable already.  

How do we go from...

Just months old. Look at the life. When Mikaylah was born and they said she would be retarded and never walk. We told the doctors, "who are you to say that her life is not worth as much as a "normal" life." Mikaylah was full of life and full of inspiration. I am so glad we didn't look at the glass half empty.

 To this...

As I watched you take your last breath you left this world and entered another one. 

On this earth this is all we have of your physical being...

My heart aches for you and always will.  I will choose to celebrate the time between your birth and death, but it isn't easy because I am caught in the missing you more than anything stage! 

Missing Mikaylah

I awake each morning to start a new day
But the pain of losing you never goes away.
I go about the things I have to do
And as the hours pass I think again of you.
I want to just hear your voice, your giggle, and even your yelling
Then I remember that I have no choice
For you are not there and now my heart cries
Just to see you again to tell you goodbye
To say Mikaylah I love you and I always will
The day that you left I just didn't know
And now all my memories of you are so dear
But gosh, how I miss you and wish you were here.
It’s so hard to tell you goodbye.
Someday I know all will be well
And I'll see you again with stories to tell
Of how you were missed
And how good it is to finally be home.
Until then my memories of you I'll keep near
And I'll pass them on to those who are dear.
I miss you my daughter. My forever 14 girlie!

If you haven't seen the balloon release you can watch the following video. It was a very touching time of remembering Mikaylah.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvucLiRxnbc

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow!

As I drove to my job in Merced today every song made me cry.  I was like, "Tammy pull it together.  You have no reason to cry right now."  By the time I got inside I had pulled on my mask and had a smile.  When people asked how I was, I said, "Good."  I would never say, "Bad I cried all the way here."  They could probably tell I had been crying. 

Anyway, on the way home I was thinking about when I first started working at the Arts Council and about 2010 when Mikaylah went to work with me, when school was out for the summer.  She would go with me and just hang out and talk to anyone who would listen.  People loved having her there.  She spent most of her time on the phone texting.  Some time on my computer.  Then in the afternoon she would head down the street to Playhouse for a summer program of acting!  She worked so hard that summer, wheeling herself down there keeping up with everyone!  She wanted so much to just be like everyone else and to be apart of the group.  At the end of the weeks they put on a play!  She was proud and I was so proud of her.  It was fun to see her participate in a extra curricular activity. 

Anyway... back to the way home.  I remember last year as I made that drive time after time.  It always seemed beautiful.  My outlook on life was so different.  Every where I drive now things seem so dark.  That is not because its dark outside, its because its dark in my head and in my heart.  I began to ask myself... "Will the sun ever shine again?" And the song that came to mind was... (listen for yourself.)



http://youtu.be/qocqXSuFveg







Twenty five years ago in Springtown Texas I performed this song, crazy I know!  At that time I had no idea I would be here 25 years later and I wonder where I will be 25 years from now.  Time will only tell.  I know the sun has to come out sometime!

I think most of you know I am in the Master of Social Work program at California State University Stanislaus.  This semester has been kinda crazy.  Mikaylah passed away just 5 days after our Christmas break started and I didn't know if I would be ready to return when the semester started, but I did and I'm glad to have a support system.  I had a great support from friends I had met in school.  You know I was surprised to have the kind of response I did from classmates.  Even 3 of my friends came to Mikaylah's service even though they had never met her.  I feel so very blessed to have so many supportive friends and family.  For the first few months, Mandy, Angie, and Janice contacted me on an almost daily basis.  Without all the support I think I would have gone crazy.  ANYWAY...

For my thesis I was going to study and do research on the effects a disabled sibling has on their brother or sister, well after Mikaylah's death it just didn't seem to catch my interest as much.  So talking with others and doing some research I have decided to do the stages of grief and the way a parent who has lost a child moves through them.  So I have been reading, reading, and reading some more about those 5 stages of grief.  In the beginning I thought a parent who lost a child would bounce back and forth between the stages feeling denial, anger, guilt, depression,  and acceptance at any given time. 

Well to tell you the truth I am mostly in the first stage still.  Denial... everyday I wake up thinking how can this be, is she really gone?  And every night I go to bed saying, I can not believe she is not here.  Yes at times I feel all the other stages, but more than anything I cannot think of living life without Mikaylah.  I can't believe there will never be any updated pictures, or giggly girlfriends and parties.  No boyfriends, texts, phone calls.  No birthdays, holidays, yelling, arguing, hugs, kisses, cloths to buy, no more begging me to take her somewhere, no more dropping her at the movies with friends, no more mother's day cards from her, no more anything.  That is to much for my mind to comprehend.  So I stay in denial and keep asking myself how this can be?  How did this happen? 

One of the newest things I think of is Chris.  He is an only child now.  He has to put up with me all the time.  He is the only one that can take care of me when I am old.  He holds all the responsibility of bringing me grand kids and expanding our immediate family.  What a responsibility.  Its kinda funny because I always wanted a large family with lots of kids, because when I was growing up I always wanted more siblings.  Now my brother has plenty for all with 4 boys and four grandsons and 2 of his sons are not married yet!  Almost twenty years ago I decided to get married and start the life I thought was a good plan.  Marriage, being a wife and a few years later starting a family.  I prayed, attended church, made friends, home schooled, and truly wanted to be the perfect wife and family.  Twenty years later, I am divorced and have one child to show for the last 21 years of life.  I am by no means saying Chris is not worth it because he truly is special, I would never change having him and I am so proud of him.  Its just like, where do I go from here.  Its almost like a clean slate, but I'm not happy with it.  It was not my choice to have a clean slate! 

I have heard alot of people say they would like to just start fresh, start new, but guess what?  Its not that easy.  Starting over is hard.  Mostly because you bring baggage.  I have the memories, the thoughts, the wanting and yearning for my old life.  I hope I will learn this new way of life.  I hope I will live this new way of life the way Mikaylah lived her life.  To live it to the fullest, for now I can't.  I waste time, I cry, I am not contend, I am not thankful, and I am always asking myself how this can be my life, how can it be.  The one thing I do have is HOPE.  I have hope that things will not always be this way, that my thoughts and feelings will change as time moves on.  Thanks for listening and for all the encouragement you all always give me.  I so appreciate it!  Thank you for joining me on my journey.  Love to all!

A word to encourage YOU!

If you need encouragement today please listen to this 3 minute video log!
http://youtu.be/UzU4LXPbTDA

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THE CLIMB

About a month ago I woke up singing, The Climb. http://youtu.be/jpTYG_Sqqdg Not literally singing, but singing the song in my head. More like Mikaylah singing the song. Like I couldn't wait to listen to it and kept thinking about writing a blog about it. Tonight I was talking with Amanda and she mentioned The Climb and she can't listen to it without crying and thinking of Mikaylah. So I thought, "There must be a message in that song." So here I am.  I keep asking myself why did Mikaylah love it so much for such a long time. She would listen to it over and over. I keep thinking there has to be a message in it.

I can almost see it.
That dream I'm dreaming, but
There's a voice inside my head saying
You'll never reach it
Every step I'm takin'
Every move I make
Feels lost with no direction,
My faith is shakin'
But I gotta keep tryin'
Gotta keep my head held high

Mikaylah had dreams... dreams of perfect health... dreams of graduating... dreams of marriage... dreams of kids... but so many times she would hear negative thoughts in her head that she couldn't make it, but the song says... "But I gotta keep tryin' Gotta keep my head held high." I can just see her listening to the words saying, "Yes I can make it, I can do it, just keep moving forward."

Guess what? She didn't know it, but by loving this song she ministered to me. I'm saying, "Every move I make, Feels lost with no direction, My faith is shakin'." But guess what? "I gotta keep tryin'." Maybe you are going through something that is shaking your faith and you feel lost, maybe it’s a broken relationship, a health problem, grief, financial problems, whatever it is, you gotta keep tryin' Gotta keep your head held high.

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down, but
No I'm not breaking

Mikaylah was not breaking.  She always wore a smile and when we were out she always wanted to do things herself.  Her lungs and breathing always wanted to knock her down, but she would not break.  And guess what I’m not going to break.  As sadness overwhelms me I will be strong.  I can learn from her life. 

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

She did have to lose.  She lost the battle with her physical body.  I didn’t think it would be such a short battle.  14 years seems not long enough, but when it’s been your battle that is a long time.  The last year was a struggle, physically and mentally.  We all have to lose sometime.  In life losing her was me losing.  A big struggle for me and I’m sure this is not going to be the last loss I endure.  It will be the most painful and the most life changing, but it won’t be the last.  When mountains rise up in front of us there are only two things to do: climb it and go over or remain on the ground and look at it.  It feels safe to just stay on the ground, but in the climb you grow.  It’s painful to grow, to walk uphill, when walking up hill my legs get tired, my lungs hurt as I try to breath, some places that are rocky my feet may slip, but when we reach the top the view is beautiful and you feel tall like you are on top of the world. You can see the path that you walked and you can see the path down.  Things become clearer.  Well Mikaylah can see now!  She is with Jesus; she is on top of the mountain.  I can’t see the whole picture.  I’m just putting one foot in front of the other, climbing uphill!

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waitin' on the other side
It's the climb

The climb was good.  Even last year along… family times, beach, Reno, Virginia, snowboarding, baptism.  So many things, she enjoyed.  So my life, all of our lives are about the climb.  What we do in life.

Keep on movin'
Keep climbin'
Keep faith baby
It's all about, it's all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, woah

It’s like she is telling me not to give up, not to give in.  She knew I needed a message from her.  Because at times I am just so sad and when I think of her NEVER being here I have to just tell myself to think of something else, but I don’t want her death to be in vain.  I want to keep her memory alive by doing something in her honor.  Something that will keep going year after year.  I’m not sure what that will be, but I’m not going to stop thinking about it.  My life will count and she will never be forgotten.  Let’s all make a commitment to being the very best we can be, that in itself will keep Mikaylah’s memory alive.  She touched so many lives, how many can we touch?  If we were to die today, what would people say?  Would they remember us in a week, in a month, in a year?  I think Mikaylah touched lives in such a way that she will be remembered for life.

Road Trip

From Pismo Beach we moved on to Hemet to drop Chris off at his girlfriends house.  I got a room at the Best Western and Chris took the car so he and his girlfriend could go out.  It felt really lonely.  I couldn't help but think about the last time we went to Hemet.  September 2010, Janice went with Chris, Mikaylah, and Me.  We were going to meet Monique, Chris's girlfriend and family.  Mikaylah was so excited to meet her and after we met her we stayed in a hotel and we had a slumber party!  Food, candy, jumping on beds, giggling and telling secrets.  An all around fun adventure.  We also went to visit our cousins in Brea.  Mikaylah loved spending time with family.  She loved joking and being fiesty, she had a spark and spunk that would bring life.

Wednesday morning I went with Chris and Monique to Marie Calendars and we had a good time visiting.  I know its wrong, but I think of Mikaylah all the time.  When I was sitting there enjoying breakfast I was thinking about how Mikaylah would have loved sitting there talking to Monique and teasing Chris.  It's not that I don't enjoy myself it's just that I miss her being there and I know she would have really enjoyed it.  After breakfast I left for Yuma.  I was really excited about coming to Yuma, but at the same time I was sad because Mikaylah always wanted to come visit Aunt Pam and Uncle Sonny in Yuma, but I never made the time.  She wanted to visit Joey and Allison and the kids.  She talked about it and it just never worked out.  Why didn't I make the time?  So on my way here I cried, prayed, and listened to Mikaylah's music.  I could feel her in every song and I know she picked each and every song on her ipod because it meant something to her.  Towards the end of the trip "I Will Rise" came on.  http://youtu.be/IifTXVqpV-E "I will rise when He calls my name.  No more sorrow, no more pain."   She is at peace.  And she isn't upset that I didn't bring her to Yuma.  She's in a place where she is never let down or in pain.  At times I just feel alone and so sad because I am in pain and feel let down.

                                          
                                                       

Yuma is great!  I love the weather so far and the company is the best.  I am being treated like a queen and eating enough food for a banquet!