Where We're You...

Where we're you when you got the news Mikaylah had left for heaven? Tell me where, when, emotions, and what you did when you heard. It helps me to connect with all of you and I want to hear your stories! Love to all!

2 Month's

2 Months seems like forever, and at the same times seems like yesterday.  The following video is a time of remembering her and some thoughtful thoughts.

http://youtu.be/RRSFGiB5JJA

REGRETS

I was thinking today about regrets …  the only thing that comes to mind is the times I was too lazy to take Mikaylah out or times I said “No” that I wished I had said yes.  The day before Mikaylah went to the hospital was a Saturday.  I don’t normally work on Saturday at the Arts Council, but I worked that day.  Mikaylah asked me if she could go, but I said, “No.”  I was only going to be gone for a few hours, but sometimes she would get bored when she came to work with me, so I said, “No.”  I can tell you that as a parent I didn’t say no a lot because I always second guess myself and I always love having my kids with me, but this day I said, “No.”  Then when I got home Chris and I had already planned to run to Kohl’s to pick up a few things and then go by McDonalds and bring dinner home.  Mikaylah asked, or should I say demanded she go with us, but once again I said, “No.”  Why did I say no, because it was just going to be a run in and run out trip and I didn’t feel like packing the wheelchair in and out and fighting the crowd.  Excuses… Excuses…  Anyway, as I look back at that Saturday I regret not spending the whole day with her.  Talking with her, putting the wheelchair in and making a longer shopping day.  I did spend time in her room that night bugging her and laying on her bed with her and telling her I loved her, but I could have done so much more that last 24 hours.  Don’t let yourself have regrets.  Don’t take the easy way out with your kids or anyone else.  If this is your last 24 hours with your kids what would you want to spend it doing and do that every day.  It’s not about spending money or just spoiling your kids rotten, it’s about truly loving them and never taking the easy way out.  Those of you who know me know that I truly do spend lots of time with my kids and I have always enjoyed them, but even I have the regret.  God forbid any of you have to actually go through what I am, but if you ever do what regrets would you have?  It’s not too late for most of you take the time to call those you love, forgive those who have hurt you, and most of all be true to yourself, don’t short change yourself; relationships are important and when someone is gone you have a lot of time to think of every missed opportunity, every yelled word of anger, every missed laugh because you weren’t in the mood.  I miss Mikaylah so much and I wished I had spent that last 24 hours differently than what I did!

Carol just sent me this link and I think it fits perfectly please view it!
http://youtu.be/HNEC735juI4

One Year Ago Today...

One year ago today... please watch the video and enjoy the blessing with me!  I have downloaded the video here or you can watch it on YOUTUBE, hopefully everyone will be able to see it.  If you can't please leave me a message.  I am trying to accommodate all devices. 

You can watch this video at the following link:  http://youtu.be/mYH6hHjAeOA

A Trip to my Brother's and Pismo

This weekend Chris felt he needed to get out of here.  Out of this house, out of this town.  He doesn't like to be here anymore.  Anyway we went to my brothers house and to Pismo Beach.  A wonderful time.  Click on the following link to hear a voice blog I did at the ocean. 

http://youtu.be/Hh1_feB_bLY



This is a very special tribute my Uncle wrote in honor of Mikaylah.  I wanted to share it with everyone!  Thank you Davey for writing this special poem.  Mikaylah loved coming to your house and seeing you and Lory.  Her only request would have been to spend more time with you both.  I wish I had brought her to visit more often.  Thank you for everything.  I feel so blessed that you connected me with Allen's Mortuary, they were a huge blessing to me during the most difficult time of my life.  Love you so much!

A Brother Turns 18

So its almost Chris's 18th Birthday!  Your not here.  Chris is not as happy as he was when you were here.  I want him to be happy.  I can't make him happy and he won't talk to me.  I am worried about him.  I know you were happy about his birthday and our trip down south.  At first when I was planning to take Chris to see his girlfriend for his birthday I wasn't going to take you, but then when we started planning the birthday dinner and staying at Dan's you were so excited and there was no way we were going to leave you home.  Mikaylah you always liked parties and getting together with people.  Now Chris doesn't want a party and he isn't that excited about being 18.  He is excited to get his tattoo on Friday.  The cross that says Rest In Peace Mikaylah.  Mikaylah you would be honored to be his first tattoo.  Amazing how things change when someone you love so much dies.  In just 72 hours our whole life changed.  We went from a family of three to a family of two.  Our home is so lonely.  We have a small house, but now it seems huge.  Way to much room.  One bedroom to many.  Your  room is always closed, but we know whats behind that door.  A room that was so full of life a few weeks ago, to a room that still has everything in it except for the one thing that brings life.  I hope and pray that Chris will soar above this, that a few months from now he will begin to come out of the fog and will excel in everything he does.  For now I pray he finds healing and that he will grieve so he won't have to do it later. 

I have to remember, that there is no right way to grieve and every person grieves differently. There are five stages to grief: 

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

In the last 6 weeks I feel like I have been through all these stages.  Everyday is different, but everyday ends with the same reality that Mikaylah is not here.  I believe it does help to know that what I am going through is perfectly normal when you lose someone close to you, but it doesn't make it easier.  I still have to see my son, my parents, my brother and family, extended family member, and friends feel the pain of Mikaylah not being here.  AND I still have to wake up everyday feeling empty! 

I will put on a smile and I will rejoice that I have Chris and that he is turning 18.  I will make his birthday special and I am so proud of the man he is becoming.  We will feel the loss together as he moves into adulthood, but we will be together and we will go on together as our new little family! 

 

This is the tattoo Chris is getting Friday.  Instead of saying Mother it will say Mikaylah.  He is getting it on his right upper arm. 

A VOID

Today was a good day.  I had a good time with Grace and Janice.  I picked them up at about 1:00 We went to Taco Bell.  Talked to Grace about school and how important it is!  Man I so remember all the trouble Chris had in school and how hard it is when you have a child who is easily distracted in the classroom setting.  Grace is so cute, I asked her why she didn't like school and she said because its to much work.  Man I so agree with her.  It is alot of work sometimes I am so sorry that I ever went back to school.  Its hard and time consuming.  I tried my best to encourage her, but I can see it from a five year old point of view.  Its not fun.  When we were talking about school she said do even people in wheelchairs go to school, I said yes of course they do, Mikaylah went to school.  Grace said, "Oh, I bet she is praying for me from heaven."  I said, "I bet she is!"  We missed you at lunch today Mikaylah.  You loved Grace and would always give her hugs when we were with her.  

Then we  headed to the movies to see Beauty and the Beast 3D.  I so enjoyed watching it on the big screen and I still remembered every song.  I love it when Belle starts falling in love with Beast and her love transforms him.  It was awesome.  So many times during the movie I thought of you.  We didn't sit in our normal spot because now we leave that spot for someone else who can't climb the stairs.  All through the years we went to so many movies together.  I even remember the one summer we went and after we saw one movie, I said, "You want to see another movie?"  You looked at me like are you serious and we went out and bought more tickets to see another movie.  Just a few months ago I dropped you off at the theater where you met 2 other friends to watch Breaking Dawn.  You were so excited and so grown up.  I remember I was waiting there with you till your friends got there and you were like Mom you don't have to wait with me, I'm 14 years old.  I was always so worried about you, worried you would get to cold, or to tired, or not find a good seat, or need help pushing, or ... the list goes on and on.  When I picked you up you had had a great time. 

Every time I go to get in the car or come home and get out of the car, a very dark sadness sits down on me.  I miss putting that wheelchair in and out of the car and picking you up and putting you in it.  I miss you sitting in the back seat talking to me or me hearing you text on your phone.  I miss your smell in the car and the way you breath.  I miss your laugh and your constant talking of drama at school and with friends.  There is a huge void that sometimes covers me.  For the last 15 years I have gone very few places without you.  Everywhere I go I feel so alone even though I am with others.  Its not that I don't have a good time its just that something/ someone is missing from me.  Life will never be completely complete again. 

I need your HELP!

I need your help!  I need your creative idea's and minds!