A Brother Turns 18

So its almost Chris's 18th Birthday!  Your not here.  Chris is not as happy as he was when you were here.  I want him to be happy.  I can't make him happy and he won't talk to me.  I am worried about him.  I know you were happy about his birthday and our trip down south.  At first when I was planning to take Chris to see his girlfriend for his birthday I wasn't going to take you, but then when we started planning the birthday dinner and staying at Dan's you were so excited and there was no way we were going to leave you home.  Mikaylah you always liked parties and getting together with people.  Now Chris doesn't want a party and he isn't that excited about being 18.  He is excited to get his tattoo on Friday.  The cross that says Rest In Peace Mikaylah.  Mikaylah you would be honored to be his first tattoo.  Amazing how things change when someone you love so much dies.  In just 72 hours our whole life changed.  We went from a family of three to a family of two.  Our home is so lonely.  We have a small house, but now it seems huge.  Way to much room.  One bedroom to many.  Your  room is always closed, but we know whats behind that door.  A room that was so full of life a few weeks ago, to a room that still has everything in it except for the one thing that brings life.  I hope and pray that Chris will soar above this, that a few months from now he will begin to come out of the fog and will excel in everything he does.  For now I pray he finds healing and that he will grieve so he won't have to do it later. 

I have to remember, that there is no right way to grieve and every person grieves differently. There are five stages to grief: 

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”

In the last 6 weeks I feel like I have been through all these stages.  Everyday is different, but everyday ends with the same reality that Mikaylah is not here.  I believe it does help to know that what I am going through is perfectly normal when you lose someone close to you, but it doesn't make it easier.  I still have to see my son, my parents, my brother and family, extended family member, and friends feel the pain of Mikaylah not being here.  AND I still have to wake up everyday feeling empty! 

I will put on a smile and I will rejoice that I have Chris and that he is turning 18.  I will make his birthday special and I am so proud of the man he is becoming.  We will feel the loss together as he moves into adulthood, but we will be together and we will go on together as our new little family! 

 

This is the tattoo Chris is getting Friday.  Instead of saying Mother it will say Mikaylah.  He is getting it on his right upper arm.