A VOID

Today was a good day.  I had a good time with Grace and Janice.  I picked them up at about 1:00 We went to Taco Bell.  Talked to Grace about school and how important it is!  Man I so remember all the trouble Chris had in school and how hard it is when you have a child who is easily distracted in the classroom setting.  Grace is so cute, I asked her why she didn't like school and she said because its to much work.  Man I so agree with her.  It is alot of work sometimes I am so sorry that I ever went back to school.  Its hard and time consuming.  I tried my best to encourage her, but I can see it from a five year old point of view.  Its not fun.  When we were talking about school she said do even people in wheelchairs go to school, I said yes of course they do, Mikaylah went to school.  Grace said, "Oh, I bet she is praying for me from heaven."  I said, "I bet she is!"  We missed you at lunch today Mikaylah.  You loved Grace and would always give her hugs when we were with her.  

Then we  headed to the movies to see Beauty and the Beast 3D.  I so enjoyed watching it on the big screen and I still remembered every song.  I love it when Belle starts falling in love with Beast and her love transforms him.  It was awesome.  So many times during the movie I thought of you.  We didn't sit in our normal spot because now we leave that spot for someone else who can't climb the stairs.  All through the years we went to so many movies together.  I even remember the one summer we went and after we saw one movie, I said, "You want to see another movie?"  You looked at me like are you serious and we went out and bought more tickets to see another movie.  Just a few months ago I dropped you off at the theater where you met 2 other friends to watch Breaking Dawn.  You were so excited and so grown up.  I remember I was waiting there with you till your friends got there and you were like Mom you don't have to wait with me, I'm 14 years old.  I was always so worried about you, worried you would get to cold, or to tired, or not find a good seat, or need help pushing, or ... the list goes on and on.  When I picked you up you had had a great time. 

Every time I go to get in the car or come home and get out of the car, a very dark sadness sits down on me.  I miss putting that wheelchair in and out of the car and picking you up and putting you in it.  I miss you sitting in the back seat talking to me or me hearing you text on your phone.  I miss your smell in the car and the way you breath.  I miss your laugh and your constant talking of drama at school and with friends.  There is a huge void that sometimes covers me.  For the last 15 years I have gone very few places without you.  Everywhere I go I feel so alone even though I am with others.  Its not that I don't have a good time its just that something/ someone is missing from me.  Life will never be completely complete again.