Shock... just that word followed by all the signs of shock. Mikaylah had every symptom of shock on December 17, 2011... vomiting, ash colored skin, delusion, extreme thirst, discomfort/pain, low blood pressure, high heart rate, but I didn't see these signs. Chris says I didn't want to see, he says he knew she was really really sick. I didn't.
Back to trigger, sitting in class talking about shock, my brain shuts down, I tell myself, "No don't think about her, don't think about the pain and discomfort, don't think about her ambulance ride to UCSF, don't think about the way she asked for water/ apple juice over and over, don't think about them taking her to surgery, don't think about the news of a bladder that had ruptured and the infection that raged within her, don't think about the 106 fever, don't think about that last breath." I have to finish class, I have to continue without a tear.
How do we continue without a tear? How do we walk through life knowing that life can be snatched at anytime? How do we live life to the very fullest when there are so many thoughts that bring sadness and tears? I'm not sure... all I know is I do. I may not be living life to the fullest, but I am moving toward that, I am walking forward, but those triggers are HELL! 
This is how I look after a day of triggers! Just being real here! LOL! So glad to have all of you!
It is so hard to watch your daughter suffer! I watch mine everyday but, I do still have her and the hope that one day her life will be happy again... I have to believe that. I can't imagine what life would be like without her! I have lost my GRANDdaughter & the daughter I once knew to grief! Everyday I pray for you and I know God has a plan for you that is going to one day be very rewarding. I see you have come a long ways from where you were a year and 8 mos. ago taking it one day at a time & the grief class has really given you some tools to help you...I'm thankful for that. I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better but, this is one journey you have to walk ...I can be here for you to love you and listen and give hugs and pray for you! Mikaylah will always be part of our lives and thats the way we want it & one day our memories will give us so much joy. I love you daughter dear and im always always here for you��
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