Feelings like this are NORMAL!

Why can't it be easy?  Why can't we live in a rose garden?  Does this really all go back to Adam and Eve and they curse God passed to us because of their disobedience?

Looking for someone to blame... for my hurting heart!  I guess I'll blame them.  They are dead and gone and I can blame them without feeling bad about it!  LOL!

How many years do I get to miss you like this?  Will it be the number of years you were on this earth?  Is 14 the magic number?  Will you still be such a painful missing 14 years from now?  Somedays I just can't believe you are gone FOREVER.  I simple miss you.  Everything about you.  Wish you were here on this Labor Day weekend.

Written on 8/17/13- While on vacation in Las Vegas and Yuma

It's been a long while since I've been on.  Not sure why other than the fact I've just been moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other.  This summer has been a challenge.  After graduating in May I began interviewing for jobs and county jobs seem to take forever to call you.  In the waiting time I began to doubt myself.  I truly began to think things like: I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, and how am I ever going to find a job.  As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months I became more depressed and antsy.  Then I got the calls and picked the job and start on August 26th.  So I went on vacation...

Missing Mikaylah.  She is so very missed.  Sometimes I just wish I could wake up and she would be here.   I loved my vacation... 19 days... each day I thought of how much Mikaylah would have loved spending time with everyone.  She loved her cousins and Aunt Pam and Uncle Sonny.  I also realized that there would have been no way we would have gone for 19 days if she had gone.  She loved visiting people but it was challenging for Mikaylah to be away from home for to many nights.  She tired easily and because of her needs traveling wasn't always easy.  It was challenging.  There were times on this trip that I thought, "Wow, I have absolutely no responsibilities."  It feels weird to be kid free and then after being a caretaker for 14 years it feels weird to not have that responsibility.  There were times while shopping I would stop and look around like where are my kids, but then I would realize they were not there.

I ask myself how can you have a good time while so deeply hurting, but thats exactly what happened.  This was probably one of my favorite trips and at the same time my heart hurt so deeply at times it was hard to breath.  I guess on one hand I feel guilty that I am having a good time without her, on the other hand I know she would have enjoyed it, and if I had a third hand I realize she is totally fulfilled where she is and is having the time of her life not wishing to come back to me.

The absolute best time of my life was raising Chris and Mikaylah.  I love being a mom.  I loved every labor pain, every milestone, every hug, kiss, teaching opportunity.  I loved vacations, day trips, movie dates, family times.  Even in the bad times I enjoyed that fact that I had my children no matter what and the love we have never goes away.  I know I am still a mom and I know that Chris still needs me, but its different.  Changing.  Chris has grown up and he only gets my input when he wants it!  I have to say he is the best thing in my life and I worry constantly that he will be taken from me.  I hope I never have to endure losing him.  He is my saving grace... he makes me laugh and reminds me that I still have a piece of the favorite things in my life... my children.

Some say time heals the pain of losing a child.  I have to say they must have never lost a child.  The more time that goes by the more I miss her.  The more time that goes by the more I realize I will never see her again in this life.  The more time that goes by the more deeply the pain of losing her is. I wonder what she would enjoy... would it still be Justin Bieber, would she have a boyfriend, would she be doing well in school, would she be looking forward to her sophomore year or wishing summer was not over.  Would I be dropping her at the theater to meet up with friends today and taking her to church in the morning.  Would I be listening to her fight with her brother non-stop?  Would I be telling her to put her phone down during dinner?  I know I would be giving her a hug and kiss everyday and telling her how much I love her, because that is what I did everyday of her life.

There are many things in life you can change, many things you can do over.  If you get a bad grade you can take the class again.  If you yell at someone close to you, you can apologize.  If you want to reach a goal you can.  But death is the end.  There is nothing else that can be done in this world when you are gone.  On December 21, 2011 at 5:04 am Mikaylah could no longer do anything in this world and I can no longer apologize, talk, hug, kiss, or touch her.  So remember to never take for granted the minutes you have with your loved ones.  I am trying to remember this as it is a reality everyday.

How Great Thou Art

Then sings my soul, my savior God to Thee, How great thou art, how great thou art, how great thou art, HOW GREAT THOU ART.

Hymns have always been a part of my life.  I never remember a time as I look back without hymns.  Even as churches began to bring modern music in, I still felt there was nothing to compare to hymns. I would hear people say, "I don't like the hymnal, Its outdated, That's for the old people."  I still liked them.  My nephew and brother both have given me hymnals for gifts.  I grew up hearing my grandpa, uncles, mom, aunts, cousins, sing those hymns.  It was more than just the music- its the words.  The last few years hymns have made a reappearance in churches and on the radio- of coarse the music is different, but the words are the same.    Hymns bring people together.  As I was getting in the shower this morning How Great Thou Art came to mind and I began to sing it.  That's right, the none singer I am began to sing it.  Then I went to YouTube and found this beautiful video.  You can see people in the audience tearing up as feelings start coming to life about how great God is.  I ask myself how can hymns have that effect?  I'm not sure other than the fact hymns bring me to a happy place on the inside.  A secure place- knowing that God has a plan and that life is not in vain.  A place of family dinners and guitar playing.  A place of complete thankfulness of who God is, who He represents.  Take a few minutes to listen to Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill.  It's beautiful!



http://youtu.be/pLLMzr3PFgk

GRANDMA NELSON

Grandma Nelson.  The name stands alone.  Always a picture of perfection.  Morally right.  Trustworthy.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Organized.  Prayerful.  Exercise.  Status.  When I think of my Grandma it brings memories of Easter, Christmas, and Thanksgiving.  It brings memories of summer vacations with swimming, taco night and General Hospital.  Grandma passed away on January 14, 2011.  I cannot believe two years have passed since I have seen or heard her.  The night she died I was in her hospital room and I had the chance to see my Aunt Michele comfort her mother like no one else could.  It changes a person seeing them go from this world to the next. 

Journal Entry from 1-15-11
Grandma Nelson was in the hospital recovering from intestine surgery.  She went into the hospital with severe pain in her back and stomach.  Her intestines had a "kink" in them.  She had surgery on Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning @ 12:45 am.  By 5:00 am she was in ICU on a ventilator.  They said her heart stopped three times during surgery and they didn't know if she would make it.  Wednesday she slept all morning and they took the tube out around 3:00.  She was breathing on her own, but was very agitated.  She was anxious and couldn't relax without medication.  Thursday when I went to visit Grandma was awake off and on.  When I said, "Hi Grandma" she said, "Hi Dear."  Grandma always called me Dear.  I figured it was because I was dear to her.  Tom and Dan came to visit her.  She said, "Hi Daniel."  I'm not sure if she really recognized anyone else but she was smiling and I thought she may be recovering a little.  On Friday when my mom got to the hospital they told her Grandma had MRSA which is a infection that is resistant to antibiotics.  She was also very labored in breathing.  As the day went on her blood pressure was low and by evening the doctor wanted to put the tube back in.  I asked if that was life support and he said yes.  I went and got my dad and Uncle Gary to come talk to the doctor. 

Aunt Michele stayed with Grandma from around 8:00 pm till Grandma went to heaven at 11:09.  I have never seen anything like Aunt Michele; she talked, prayed, recited scripture, sang hymns and comforted Grandma as she went through her last hours on earth.  I learned more about the Nelson family in those last hours, more than I had learned in my entire life. 

*She recited the Lord's Prayer many times and talked about how Grandma had taught them the Lord's Prayer and all her Grandkids.  How they held hand and said the prayer before each meal.  She said, "Thank you for teaching us.  We love the prayer and have plaques to remind us."

*"Yeah though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."  Mother there's no need to fear because God is with you.  No evil can hurt you.  God is love.  Remember as a child you told me God is love and I'm sure your mom told you that and her mom told her that.  God is love and He loves you Mother.

*"I go to prepare a place for you."  Mother God prepared a place for you.  It will be organized and clean and you will never have to worry about anything being dirty again everything will be perfect.

*Tell Linda I love her and miss her.  Tell her.  You will be able to give her a big hug.  She will be waiting for you.  Give her a hug for me.

*Let's put on the armor of God.  Breastplate of righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, Belt of Truth, Sword which is the Word of God, feet is Gospel of peace, and when you have done everything just STAND.

So much time has passed.  Little did I know that I would see two people enter the kingdom of Heaven in 2011.  That has to change a person.  My heart is so different then before.  I almost do not even recognize the person I am becoming.  I didn't want life to change.  I wanted Grandma to live ten minutes down the street for longer.  I enjoyed going to her, "Five star Hotel" having dinner with her and seeing her.  She had a gentle way about her.  We liked reading the same books and she enjoyed seeing my kids.  She thought Chris looked like Grandpa Nelson and she taught him the tradition of making Beer Bread.  She had a soft spot for Mikaylah and Mikaylah loved Grandma.  I remember at Grandma's memorial service Mikaylah asked Chris to read a note for her.  She said Grandma wasn't ready to leave because she was enjoying her life here.  Now I realize that it doesn't matter if you want to leave this earth, when it's your time you have to go.  When your body tires you have to go.  You have to go to the place that was prepared for you.  I like to think of Grandma standing there in her perfect way ushering Mikaylah into her eternal place.  Death is hard and so final.  Chris said it so perfectly a few months ago, "When you are with someone when they leave/ die, a little bit of yourself goes with them and after that you can never be exactly who you were before."    I have learned that so well this past year, its painful finding the new person you have to become when your life turns upside down.  I pray that as time passes the person I become is as productive, loving, happy, peaceful, strong, and content as the person I was before and even more so.

2013- A New Year

It’s 2013 and just like many others I am hoping that this year holds more happiness than the last.  I’m hoping that I can start dreaming some new dreams and meet some goals.  At times I feel a little guilty that I am thinking of the future and the things to come, because moving ahead means making a life without Mikaylah.  I know she will always be part of me and I will always remember the times we had together, but she does not have a future.  Her future is in another place and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty because she is moving forward in her new future, her eternity.

Well I really can’t wait till May… GRADUATION!  I will have my masters of social work.  And I have worked hard for that piece of paper that will hopefully get me a good job.  Four more classes, thesis, and 250 more hours of internship.  Many late nights, group projects, and lots of reading, May will not come soon enough.  I can’t believe that I have been in school for about 33 years of my life.  I never want to go back.  If I ever say I’m going back to school I hope everyone loves me enough to stop me, stand in my way, and remind me of how much I don’t want to go to school.  It has been one heck of a journey.  I must be the most patient and persistent person alive.  I encourage each of you to reach for your dream, never give up, and don’t just wish you were doing something; put one foot in front of the other and just start taking small steps and you will eventually get there.

I am officially looking for work.  Putting resumes and cover letters in throughout the state of California.  I really want to do hospital social work, but Child Protective Services paid for my masters and in return I either have to pay back $40,000 or spend two years working for CPS anywhere in the state of California.  I figure if I get a really good job I can pay it back, but most likely I am going to have to work for them.  It’s not that I don’t want to help children and families; it’s just that there are so many hard decisions that have to be made for others and there are so many very sad things that happen to children.  Hospital social work will be so very sad at times, but I know that with my experience I can help other families go through some really hard times.

My weight and health have to be addressed this year.  I can no longer just let it go.  I have not been to the doctor since 1999.  Any ache or pain I ignore because I know what they will say.  I’m obese so every problem I have is related to my weight.  I have tried many times to lose weight and I have succeeded, but time and time again I fall off the weight loss wagon and then it takes me about two years to get back on.  My cousin was going to get rid of some Medi Fast and she gave it to me.  It’s only a month’s supply but I’m hoping that it will give me a head start.  That it will help me get motivated and on track.  Chris got me some vitamin powder and I feel confident that I can have some success.  I know losing weight will make me feel better physically and mentally. 

So even though I have much sadness and grief that exhausts me I am looking to the future.  Building my NEW NORMAL.  It’s not what I wanted to do but it’s what I have to do.  I know that many of you reading this also have things that are holding you back, things that follow you everywhere you go.  Maybe it’s a fear, death of a loved one, bad marriage, relationships, work, or depression, anxiety, or panic.  Maybe it’s time to face what’s holding you back.  Talk to a friend, seek out help from professionals, spend some time thinking about what you want to accomplish this year.  Love you all!

FROM A MOTHER'S HEART... one year later

I dreaded this day.  Why?  Because it meant that a year had passed.  That time was not standing still that somehow it would be worse as time passed.  Well this morning as I woke up I thought... this cannot be the worst day of my life because one year ago today was the worst day of my life.  Mikaylah's best day was my worst day.  As time passes on my fear is that Mikaylah will be forgotten that she will somehow disappear.  That as I begin to build my life without her that she will no longer have a place.  Sadness fills my mind as I think about leaving her behind. 

Throughout this last week I realized through the many messages, texts, cards, facebook memory posts, that everyone still remembers her and misses her.  That she really did make an impact on others and she is not being forgotten even after a year has passed.   This was very comforting to me. 

I miss her... I miss her smile... I miss her laugh... I miss the way her eyes dance... I miss her yelling... I miss her bossiness... I miss the way she talked to everyone when we were out... I miss not being alone... I miss getting her up in the morning... I miss talking her everywhere I go... I miss picking her up at her Grandma and Papa's... I miss taking her to church... I miss laying on her bed and getting the latest drama of the day... I miss the way she would hold my hand... I miss her helping cook dinner... I miss hearing Justin Bieber... I miss hearing the animal rescue shows and TLC shows... I miss seeing her excited face when friends were coming over... I miss the way she loved to shop... I miss the way she was always thinking of what she could do for others... I miss the person I was before she left this earth... I miss the life I had when she was here... I miss my purpose in life... I miss everything about her the good, the bad, the ugly.

I do not miss her calling me because she is sick... I do not miss hospital stays (I do miss the doctors, nurses, therapist, social workers.)... I do not miss her sadness regarding her immobility...

The list of misses far out ways the not misses.  I will never feel good about my child leaving me and I will never feel whole again.  However, I can feel good that she feels no pain, that she is happy and running free, and that she is home! 

Last night my cousin sent me a text and it was comforting I want to share it:

"God really used her in soo many ways and ya know thru this year I have thought about it in so many ways as to why, and the best answer that came to me one morning, was this... Her going from this world wasn't about us.  Wasn't about any of us.  It was her!  I think that was Gods way of rewarding her!  I know that sounds weird, how can that be a reward for her leaving us, but I think God was saying, "Well job my child, your work on earth is done." and he brought her home as a celebration of HIS love for her so she wouldn't have to endure anymore pain, sickness or tragedy that He felt she could not handle.  Although leaving us has been hard and sad for us, that's the only reason that makes any sense to my.  It's logical, and we as humans feel the pain, but she will NEVER anymore."

There is no explaining Mikaylah's death and why she couldn't just be healed, but these words brought a little joy to my heart.  God loved Mikaylah. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  Tammy

Mikaylah's Dream

Mikaylah wrote a book when she was 8 years old and we always had good intentions of getting it published and even taking it to Oprah!  Well as many things do, it got tucked away.  This year her Grandma and Papa made it happen.  Mikaylah passed away one year ago tomorrow and I thought this would be a great way to honor her!  Please listen!

http://youtu.be/ngMMosfaMIU