Easter 2012

Well we left home for 10 days!  Our first stop is Pismo Beach with the family for Easter.  Chris and I left town Thursday.  We were ready to get to the coast, out of Turlock!  Weather is beautiful.  Sunny, blue skies!  There’s just one thing missing; our special girl!  Have to say Chris and I packed the car and I don’t know if we would have had room for everything, but I would so much have rather tried.  We miss you Mikaylah.  As we were coming into Pismo, Chris said, “There’s the ocean and mom there is NO crying this weekend.  None!”  I said, “Why are you saying that?”  He said, “Because when you see the ocean you start crying.”  He was right I had tears welling up in my eyes, but I did not let them fall.  It does make me sad because I know she loved the ocean so much.  Today we went down to the ocean with Tom and Family.  We were celebrating Jason, Timothy, and Ethan’s birthday’s.  They had the biggest smiles and had a good time! 

But I can’t lie there were several times I felt the tears start to come.  As I was walking and the water was hitting my feet, I couldn’t help but remember all the times Mikaylah so loved to come and Uncle Tom would take her in the sand wheelchair down to the ocean and get her all wet.  She would laugh and giggle, loving it so much.  I am so glad we visited Pismo in September 2011.  Uncle Tom ran her through the water and her Aunt Carol played in the sand with her.  She had the best time.  Oh my gosh I miss you Mikaylah and I know everyone does. 

We will get up tomorrow and Easter will be Easter even though you won’t be with us.  We will color eggs, have a big meal, hunt Easter eggs, and have lots of fun, but it will all happen without you.  It will feel like something is missing and we will all have a little sadness, but we will laugh, visit, and make new memories.  This is the day we celebrate the resurrection of Jesus!  He has risen and no matter how we feel or what circumstances we go through, Jesus is still alive and He deserves to be praised.  So tomorrow as I get up and get ready for the day, I will think of you my sweet girl, but I will also think that you are spending Easter with the one who rose from the dead the one who came and died for our sins.  You are having a perfect Easter and not missing us at all. 

And time just keeps moving on...

WOW... I can't believe it is April.  The year is a quarter over.  We have had Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Years Eve, New Years, Many Birthdays, Valentines Day, St. Patricks Day, and Mikaylah's Birthday all without her.  It's a year of firsts, the first time without Mikaylah!  We had some good times and some bad times but time waits for no one. 

This last weekend my great nephew Timmy fell out of a shopping cart at the grocery store.  He was sitting in the cart and went to reach for something and fell out on his head.  My nephew Matt called me and gave me the news that they had taken Timmy to the hospital and he had a cracked skull, was vomiting, and his nose was bleeding.  They may have to transfer him to a bigger hospital that accommodates head injuries.  My heart began to pound, I began to freeze, and started shaking.  I closed the curtains and layed on the couch.  I begin to pray to God.  Please God let little Timmy be okay.  Heal his head and take away all the repercussions. 

Earlier in the year I read a book called, Heaven is for Real.  In this book there is a scene where a parent is praying for his son to recover from a sickness and God grants his request.  While I was praying for Timmy this scene came to mind and I prayed all the more, just as so many were.  God granted our request and Timmy came home on Sunday and is doing well.

This brought many feelings for me.  God saved Mikaylah so many times.  I don't even know how many times Mikaylah had been sick in her 14 years, but every time I and many others stormed the gates of heaven praying for her health to return.  And guess what?  God did grant it each and every time.  That is until we went to the hospital on Dec. 18th.  I prayed God's will be done in December.  I didn't just pray for healing I prayed to God to do what was best for Mikaylah and that His will would prevail.  So I am at this place of; was it God's will for her to close her eyes in our world and wake up whole in the next world?  Or did I not pray the right prayer? 

Do any of us know what to pray?  How many times do you pray for something without asking God because you may not like his answer?  We think we have the right answer so we pray and sometimes when things don't turn out the way we want we blame God.  We say, "Why did God do this to me?"  Why didn't he answer my prayers?  And believe me I have asked God why I have to endure this pain, but the other night I was reminded that when I die I will have the answers I so desperately need right now.  When I stand before God, I will know.  Right now I have to believe that God has a plan;  



Dear Mikaylah,

Dear Mikaylah,
Today I really missed you.  I missed hearing your voice yelling at me to get you out of bed and then begging me to not make you do routine since it was Saturday.  I missed you asking me to make pancakes and then you making them with me and us eating together.  I missed helping you get dressed and ready for the day.  I missed putting you in the car and going to Orchard with me.  You would have loved picking out flowers for our porches and yard.  I picked pink, purple, white, and blue.  Most of your favorites.  I missed hearing you laugh through the store and you talking to every person that goes by.  I missed being stared at by little kids and everyone knowing you.  No one knows me.  I missed you asking me to push you and me saying no and running from you!  I missed you being outside talking to the neighbors while I did yard work.  They missed you too!  I try not to be mad at you or God, but I can't help it sometimes.  Sometimes I am so overtaken by sorrow I just get mad.  I miss you so much I would like to just lay in bed and give in to despair, but then I remember there is life to live even though I am sad.  I am different.  I have no light in my heart.  Even when I really try and I get things done I still have no life in me.  I went to El Rosel's with friends tonight and had a great time, but as I was wondering what to get I could hear your voice ordering chicken nuggets after begging me to take you to a Mexican food restaurant.  As I pulled up to the theater I remembered so many Saturday nights that we would go see movies and sit in the front row.  As I got home tonight your brother met me for a confession time, he went to a casino today and guess what he won, 300.00.  WOW beginners luck.  He wants to go to the mall tomorrow.  If you were here I know you would be begging him to give you some of that money so you could go shopping too!  And a few minutes ago I  was reading Grandma and Papa's blog they are having so much fun.  They went to Julie's tonight!  We all know how you loved it there.  I wrote a comment and at the end I put WE miss you and for a moment I thought I was speaking for the three of us and then I remembered that there are only two of us.  I miss you every second of every day and my life will never be completely whole again.  Sweetie I hope everyday you are enjoying your new home and that you are totally whole.  That is the only thing that brings peace.  I love you girlie, Mom

Survived!

It's Monday... I survived... I don't know how.  It was the strength I got from family and friends and all those candles and birthday wishes to my forever fourteen girlie!  I told you all when I started this blog it was honest and I am having challenging days lately.  Sometimes I can't stop shaking and I feel like fainting.  Sometimes I have to lay down and sleep so my mind will stop moving.  Sometimes I can't fall asleep till 4 in the morning.  Sometimes my heart beats so fast I feel like it is pounding out of my chest.  Sometimes little things seem huge.  And all the time my mind will not stop thinking of her.  I think I am in denial, everyday I still wake up and I can't believe this has happened then I look at a picture and it makes me cry because she is not here.  I hear a song and it reminds me of her.  She was so loved by everyone.  I just keep saying I can't believe it and I wish she could have been here to see how much she was really loved.  I wonder if she knew she had so many people who were inspired by her, I wonder if she knew that there were so many who would celebrate her birthday with her, I wonder if she knew that everyone loved her smile and her laugh.  I wonder if she knew she had the most beautiful eyes ever.  I wonder if she knew that I loved her more than words can say... I will never know what she knew because she is no longer here she can't tell me. 

Tonight I have a special treat for you!  My mom wrote a poem, from Mikaylah to us and she made a video reading the poem.  I am so proud of my mom.  She is a special Grandma and spent many hours caring for Mikaylah.  She was the second mom!  Thank you mom for sharing with all of us!  Love you!

http://youtu.be/zSuqsRrY1y4

TJH Remembering Mikaylah

This morning it was up early and out to the TJH!  Today since her birthday is tomorrow they were honoring her on the Morning Show!  Earlier this week I headed to the Junior High and recorded a message for the student body.  So you can listen for yourself.  Chris recorded it on my IPHONE and he recorded it while it played on the TV.  So the quality isn't the best but you can see and hear!  I want to say a special THANK YOU to Mr. Norton he has put so much time and effort into making sure Mikaylah is remembered and I will never forget that!  Thank you to all the TJH!

http://youtu.be/FKcKC33y-pY

This is a picture of the beautiful plaque they presented to me and there is a identical one hanging in the library.  I think it is lovely and very touching and PERFECT.  She will be remembered FOREVER!

 Ms. De Tomasi painted this beautiful picture for me and Chris.  She shared in the card, "Mikaylah often talked to me about going to Pismo Beach.  She always had great family outings to tell me about!  Her family meant everything to her!"  Thank you so much Ms. De Tomasi you can't possible know how much this means to me.  It touches the deepest part of my soul!

A Big Thank you goes out to my wonderful son who did not want to go because its just to hard for going with me and supporting me and honoring Mikaylah.  Thank you Janice for being part of this morning and I'm so glad you were able to see how much she was loved.  And Christina you are a great support person, thanks for being there!  Love to all!

Spring Flowers

Mrs. Pellegrini and Christina

What a day!  Crowell Elementary School.  So many memories.  Mikaylah was home school Kindergarten and first grade and started public school at Crowell School.  She went there 2nd-6th grade.  She loved Crowell and every person there!  Every year she had wonderful teachers.  I thank God for that.  Even after Mikaylah went to TJH when we would pass Crowell she would say, "I sure miss Crowell, I wish I could go back."  This past Halloween she even went to help out at the Halloween Carnival.  She had such a great time and it was the first time I had ever left her to volunteer without me and when I picked her up she felt so grown up and was so happy that she went.  After Mikaylah passed away, Christina a parent and employee of TUSD asked if they could plant some flowers in Mikaylah's honor.  You have to understand Christina and Mikaylah have the same feisty personality, they would torture each other.  Christina showed me her phone today and Mikaylah was texting with her on Dec. 17th the day before she went into the hospital.  Mrs. Pellegrini, a caring teacher at Crowell School helped plant the flowers and take care of them with the help of many students.  Mrs. Pellegrini helped teach Mikaylah how to play the violin when she was at Crowell.  I remember the concert Mikaylah's 5th grade year.  She was sitting next to Mrs. Pellegrini, I felt sorry for her because Mikaylah never got the hang of playing the violin and I'm sure it hurt her ears!!  Thank you so much CROWELL SCHOOL and all the staff and every student!  It brightened my day to see the blooming flowers today and I don't think its accident that they are blooming in Mikaylah's birthday week!

Ms. Handosh (Mikaylah's 5th Grade Teacher) and Me

Listen to the following video to hear Mikaylah's Autobiography from Ms. Handosh 5th grade class.

http://youtu.be/62noAeY6dJU

Christmas is over!

It's officially over!  I don't know if we will have Christmas in 2012.  I think we will leave town for a few weeks.  I know in my head that Christmas is about Christ and His birth, but my heart says no its about family, friends, and time together making memories.  My next Christmas will be spent missing Mikaylah.  No matter how much I laugh and have fun I am always missing her.  Christmas in 2011 before that terrible 72 hours was so good.  We had a great time getting our tree.  Mikaylah was being a real pickle before we went and I threatened to take her home, but Chris stepped in and said, "Mom, no she has to go."  So we went, first we went to Lowe's didn't have much then headed to a new one over where the car lot used to be.  It was perfect because it was a parking lot and it wasn't muddy and wet for the wheelchair.  Chris and Mikaylah discovered that they liked the same kind of full trees and tall!  The tree was beautiful this year.  Chris put up blue lights, Mikaylah's favorite color right now and one day while she was at school I put up blue Christmas lights in her room.  She loved them!  You know I never turned those lights out and they just went out this last week!  No more blue lights!  The day she got sick, December 18th, we were suppose to go to the Nutcracker.  Family tradition every year.  Mikaylah had been helping me get ready for the big dinner by polishing the silver to earn money for shopping.  On December 15th after her doctor appointment in San Francisco we went to the mall and shopped.  She took back a few things and was able to spend the money buying some gifts.  The perfect Christmas season until December 18th and then 72 hours later she was having a Christmas celebration in Heaven.  It doesn't help me today to know she was happy in heaven celebrating because I am here and I am missing her desperately.  Before this weekend we had Christmas lights up and Chris was adamant about not taking them down, but I had to do it.  I took down the lights and now Christmas will never be the same.  If we do have Christmas in December, which I am sure we will, we will have to make it completely different.  Maybe we will do green or yellow lights or maybe we will take a cruise or spend it at the beach.  I do want to be with family, its just really hard.  There is nothing easy about any of this. 

So Cute!

Look at those faces!  Christmas Torture!