THE VERY NAME... MOM

                      

         

It's amazing how it happens.  A child grows within and the moment that child enters the world you are forever a "Mom".  You have a new name and a new role.  Something you never again lose.  Not like a job that can be taken away.  Once a mother always a mother.  Even if your child dies at birth or shortly after you are still a mom.  

When we think of our mom some of us have thoughts of extreme connection and heartfelt love and others have anger or hurt.  Even if anger and hurt are the feelings you have that anger is because we all know that a mom is suppose to love her children, is suppose to protect and care for her children with no regard for herself.  Mom's take care of the needs of her children from birth.  We feed them either from a bottle or breast but we are the reason they live.  Without a mothers care to feed, diaper, and hold, babies would not survive.  Mother's spend sleepless nights and when we gaze into the eyes of our baby we can't seem to stop looking.  The connection we feel and the overwhelming feelings of love take over our hearts at times.  Mother's can literally spend hours watching our babies sleep.  A baby changes your life.  Babies don't always come at the most opportune times... sometimes your are to young, to old, not married, in the middle of a job change, poor, but none the less you become a mom.  Even those who give their babies in adoption are still forever changed, they are forever a mom.

                                   

As our children grow we can't wait till they say MOM.  We coach them hoping they will say our name before they say anyone else's.  We cannot wait to hear the words of our name come from our children.  And when they finally say our name we smile and it feels so natural!  The older our children get the more we hear our name being called.  I think it was somewhere around age 5 my children would call my name every few minutes!  There was actually a time I said, I'm going to change my name!  But of course I did not!  

        

Despite everything else we do working, cleaning, laundry, cooking, family get togethers, birthdays... we know that being a mother takes precidents.  If our child gets sick we are there to make sure they get better, if the school calls we go take care of it, if our child is crying we comfort, if our child needs cloths or supplies we take them.  If we realize what we have; we talk to our children, we spend time playing games and watching movies, going to sports events, musicals, and experiencing life together.  

As we head into teen years our children do not say our name quite as much... they say it but not always in a nice way!!!  They start to not need us as much.  It's hard as a mom because we have put our absolute everything into loving and caring for our children.  It's during these years we question if we did the right thing when they were little and growing.  Its amazing though that no matter what our child says or does in teenage years we love them.  It's a neverending, neverstopping love of a mother.  

                                         

I'm at the point in my Mom journey that I really miss hearing that name, "MOM."  At one point I might have heard that name 100 or more times a day, now there are some days I never hear that word.  The other day I was sitting on the patio and Chris yelled out the door, "Bye Mom, I love you."  My heart was overwhelmed.  Hearing my 19 year old say my name makes my heart feel complete, but it also brought a sadness that as my child gets older I will hear that word less and less, because sooner or later he will move out and I won't talk to him everyday!  For me it also brought the reminder that I will never again hear my Mikaylah say my name.  I have to say I miss hearing her say, "mom!"  I grieve for every card, letter, picture, hug that I would get for the next 40 years!  I will never have another letter that reads, "Mom I love you, Mikaylah."  So I cherish the ones I have!  

The natural order is the child losing the Mom.  That is not easy either.  I love calling my mom... talking to her.  I know she is the one who prays for me and who to this day would still give her life for me.  I have seen her struggle with losing her mom.  I am sure she misses using that name, "MOM."  The name mom is reserved for moms or people in our lives who act as a mom.  So when our mom is gone from this world we never again use that name.  

Moral of this story...

If you have small children, relish that they say your name often.  Remember that time passes quick and these days cannot be relived.  Time waits for no one and keeps marching on.  The next time they call your name, "Mom."  Recognize the feeling you have when you hear that name!

If you have teenagers, remember they are not going to be this age forever and that they love you, they are just trying to spread their wings a little.  When these years pass, the next step is to their own life, a life that you will be part of but not as much.

If you have adult children, call often and love them for the life they lead even if you don't agree.

If you have a mom love them, call them, write them, say their name often and let them know you appreciate them.  When your mom is gone from this world you will not get that opportunity again.  

Life is ever so short and loss is evident and will happen to each of us we do not want to look back with regret, we want to look back and say I took every opportunity to let those around me know I love them whether Mom or Child!

TO MY MIKAYLAH:

      

I THINK SHE KNEW THIS IS HOW I FELT.  I DON'T REGRET, BUT I DO WISH I HAD SPENT MORE TIME MAKING SURE SHE KNEW I LOVED HER.  AND I SPENT A LOT OF TIME.  MAYBE WE WILL ALWAYS WISH WE HAD SPENT MORE TIME TELLING OUR LOVED ONES.  EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT GET TO SEE HER GROW INTO WOMANHOOD, I KNOW THAT SHE HAS GROWN INTO A COMPLETE, WHOLE, AND PERFECT SPIRITUAL BEING IN HEAVEN.  I LOVE YOU MIKAYLAH!

   

Triggers

Today I had CPR/ First Aid at work.  You would think just another boring class.  I've taken the class several times, but it was time to renew!  

Shock... just that word followed by all the signs of shock.  Mikaylah had every symptom of shock on December 17, 2011... vomiting, ash colored skin, delusion, extreme thirst, discomfort/pain, low blood pressure, high heart rate, but I didn't see these signs.  Chris says I didn't want to see, he says he knew she was really really sick.  I didn't.  

Back to trigger, sitting in class talking about shock, my brain shuts down, I tell myself, "No don't think about her, don't think about the pain and discomfort, don't think about her ambulance ride to UCSF, don't think about the way she asked for water/ apple juice over and over, don't think about them taking her to surgery, don't think about the news of a bladder that had ruptured and the infection that raged within her, don't think about the 106 fever, don't think about that last breath."  I have to finish class, I have to continue without a tear.  

How do we continue without a tear?  How do we walk through life knowing that life can be snatched at anytime?  How do we live life to the very fullest when there are so many thoughts that bring sadness and tears?  I'm not sure... all I know is I do.  I may not be living life to the fullest, but I am moving toward that, I am walking forward, but those triggers are HELL!  

This is how I look after a day of triggers!  Just being real here!  LOL!  So glad to have all of you!

Transition

It's inevitable that I must move on.  Everyday is one step closer to leaving this world and I don't want to get to the end with any regrets.  I guess the real question is, how do I move on with Mikaylah in my heart instead of in my world.  Everyday I get up and put one foot in front of the other and walk through this world.  So I would have to say I am moving on, but am I moving on in the best possible way I can?  Am I making a mark on this world that will never be erased when I am gone from here?  I want to...  I want to make a difference in the lives of those around me.  Is wanting to enough?  

I think about helping people who are walking through the grief process.  I could be there for people, listening and comforting, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can even say, "My daughter is forever 14."  Without a lump expanding in my throat and tears coming to my eyes.  I can mostly hold the tears back now and regain composure fast, but it takes all my strength and makes me want to run and escape from the present.  I wish I was one of those grievers who could say Mikaylah appears to me in the form of a butterfly and I see her in the ocean, and she visits me in my dreams, but I can't.  The pain of her lose is so great.

I'm 43 years old and going through an identity crisis.  My two worlds have to come together.  How do I make these two chapters fit together.  Whats the transition between plots?  My life now has to include my past, my last chapter.  How do I make it fit with the new life, the new chapter?  Will it just come together or do I need to seek it?

"The meaning of our lives is revealed through experiences that at first seem at odds with each other- moments we wish would never end and moments we wish had never begun.  Those timeless experiences we want to last forever whisper to us that they were meant to.  There is more to these days than pictures tucked away in photo albums, fading as the memory fades from view.  We use a statement to try to console ourselves with what we think is the irrecoverable loss:  "All good things come to an end."  I hate that phrase.  It's a lie.  Even our troubles and our heartbreaks tell us something about our true destiny."  The Journey of Desire- John Eldredge

So I know in my heart that my heartbreaks will be used to bring me to my true destiny.  I can't believe that the life I once knew was just so I could spend my time wishing I could get it back.  So I move forward in search of the new chapter and during this transition chapter, I choice to jump in.  

Feelings like this are NORMAL!

Why can't it be easy?  Why can't we live in a rose garden?  Does this really all go back to Adam and Eve and they curse God passed to us because of their disobedience?

Looking for someone to blame... for my hurting heart!  I guess I'll blame them.  They are dead and gone and I can blame them without feeling bad about it!  LOL!

How many years do I get to miss you like this?  Will it be the number of years you were on this earth?  Is 14 the magic number?  Will you still be such a painful missing 14 years from now?  Somedays I just can't believe you are gone FOREVER.  I simple miss you.  Everything about you.  Wish you were here on this Labor Day weekend.

Written on 8/17/13- While on vacation in Las Vegas and Yuma

It's been a long while since I've been on.  Not sure why other than the fact I've just been moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other.  This summer has been a challenge.  After graduating in May I began interviewing for jobs and county jobs seem to take forever to call you.  In the waiting time I began to doubt myself.  I truly began to think things like: I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, and how am I ever going to find a job.  As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months I became more depressed and antsy.  Then I got the calls and picked the job and start on August 26th.  So I went on vacation...

Missing Mikaylah.  She is so very missed.  Sometimes I just wish I could wake up and she would be here.   I loved my vacation... 19 days... each day I thought of how much Mikaylah would have loved spending time with everyone.  She loved her cousins and Aunt Pam and Uncle Sonny.  I also realized that there would have been no way we would have gone for 19 days if she had gone.  She loved visiting people but it was challenging for Mikaylah to be away from home for to many nights.  She tired easily and because of her needs traveling wasn't always easy.  It was challenging.  There were times on this trip that I thought, "Wow, I have absolutely no responsibilities."  It feels weird to be kid free and then after being a caretaker for 14 years it feels weird to not have that responsibility.  There were times while shopping I would stop and look around like where are my kids, but then I would realize they were not there.

I ask myself how can you have a good time while so deeply hurting, but thats exactly what happened.  This was probably one of my favorite trips and at the same time my heart hurt so deeply at times it was hard to breath.  I guess on one hand I feel guilty that I am having a good time without her, on the other hand I know she would have enjoyed it, and if I had a third hand I realize she is totally fulfilled where she is and is having the time of her life not wishing to come back to me.

The absolute best time of my life was raising Chris and Mikaylah.  I love being a mom.  I loved every labor pain, every milestone, every hug, kiss, teaching opportunity.  I loved vacations, day trips, movie dates, family times.  Even in the bad times I enjoyed that fact that I had my children no matter what and the love we have never goes away.  I know I am still a mom and I know that Chris still needs me, but its different.  Changing.  Chris has grown up and he only gets my input when he wants it!  I have to say he is the best thing in my life and I worry constantly that he will be taken from me.  I hope I never have to endure losing him.  He is my saving grace... he makes me laugh and reminds me that I still have a piece of the favorite things in my life... my children.

Some say time heals the pain of losing a child.  I have to say they must have never lost a child.  The more time that goes by the more I miss her.  The more time that goes by the more I realize I will never see her again in this life.  The more time that goes by the more deeply the pain of losing her is. I wonder what she would enjoy... would it still be Justin Bieber, would she have a boyfriend, would she be doing well in school, would she be looking forward to her sophomore year or wishing summer was not over.  Would I be dropping her at the theater to meet up with friends today and taking her to church in the morning.  Would I be listening to her fight with her brother non-stop?  Would I be telling her to put her phone down during dinner?  I know I would be giving her a hug and kiss everyday and telling her how much I love her, because that is what I did everyday of her life.

There are many things in life you can change, many things you can do over.  If you get a bad grade you can take the class again.  If you yell at someone close to you, you can apologize.  If you want to reach a goal you can.  But death is the end.  There is nothing else that can be done in this world when you are gone.  On December 21, 2011 at 5:04 am Mikaylah could no longer do anything in this world and I can no longer apologize, talk, hug, kiss, or touch her.  So remember to never take for granted the minutes you have with your loved ones.  I am trying to remember this as it is a reality everyday.

How Great Thou Art

Then sings my soul, my savior God to Thee, How great thou art, how great thou art, how great thou art, HOW GREAT THOU ART.

Hymns have always been a part of my life.  I never remember a time as I look back without hymns.  Even as churches began to bring modern music in, I still felt there was nothing to compare to hymns. I would hear people say, "I don't like the hymnal, Its outdated, That's for the old people."  I still liked them.  My nephew and brother both have given me hymnals for gifts.  I grew up hearing my grandpa, uncles, mom, aunts, cousins, sing those hymns.  It was more than just the music- its the words.  The last few years hymns have made a reappearance in churches and on the radio- of coarse the music is different, but the words are the same.    Hymns bring people together.  As I was getting in the shower this morning How Great Thou Art came to mind and I began to sing it.  That's right, the none singer I am began to sing it.  Then I went to YouTube and found this beautiful video.  You can see people in the audience tearing up as feelings start coming to life about how great God is.  I ask myself how can hymns have that effect?  I'm not sure other than the fact hymns bring me to a happy place on the inside.  A secure place- knowing that God has a plan and that life is not in vain.  A place of family dinners and guitar playing.  A place of complete thankfulness of who God is, who He represents.  Take a few minutes to listen to Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill.  It's beautiful!



http://youtu.be/pLLMzr3PFgk

GRANDMA NELSON

Grandma Nelson.  The name stands alone.  Always a picture of perfection.  Morally right.  Trustworthy.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Organized.  Prayerful.  Exercise.  Status.  When I think of my Grandma it brings memories of Easter, Christmas, and Thanksgiving.  It brings memories of summer vacations with swimming, taco night and General Hospital.  Grandma passed away on January 14, 2011.  I cannot believe two years have passed since I have seen or heard her.  The night she died I was in her hospital room and I had the chance to see my Aunt Michele comfort her mother like no one else could.  It changes a person seeing them go from this world to the next. 

Journal Entry from 1-15-11
Grandma Nelson was in the hospital recovering from intestine surgery.  She went into the hospital with severe pain in her back and stomach.  Her intestines had a "kink" in them.  She had surgery on Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning @ 12:45 am.  By 5:00 am she was in ICU on a ventilator.  They said her heart stopped three times during surgery and they didn't know if she would make it.  Wednesday she slept all morning and they took the tube out around 3:00.  She was breathing on her own, but was very agitated.  She was anxious and couldn't relax without medication.  Thursday when I went to visit Grandma was awake off and on.  When I said, "Hi Grandma" she said, "Hi Dear."  Grandma always called me Dear.  I figured it was because I was dear to her.  Tom and Dan came to visit her.  She said, "Hi Daniel."  I'm not sure if she really recognized anyone else but she was smiling and I thought she may be recovering a little.  On Friday when my mom got to the hospital they told her Grandma had MRSA which is a infection that is resistant to antibiotics.  She was also very labored in breathing.  As the day went on her blood pressure was low and by evening the doctor wanted to put the tube back in.  I asked if that was life support and he said yes.  I went and got my dad and Uncle Gary to come talk to the doctor. 

Aunt Michele stayed with Grandma from around 8:00 pm till Grandma went to heaven at 11:09.  I have never seen anything like Aunt Michele; she talked, prayed, recited scripture, sang hymns and comforted Grandma as she went through her last hours on earth.  I learned more about the Nelson family in those last hours, more than I had learned in my entire life. 

*She recited the Lord's Prayer many times and talked about how Grandma had taught them the Lord's Prayer and all her Grandkids.  How they held hand and said the prayer before each meal.  She said, "Thank you for teaching us.  We love the prayer and have plaques to remind us."

*"Yeah though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."  Mother there's no need to fear because God is with you.  No evil can hurt you.  God is love.  Remember as a child you told me God is love and I'm sure your mom told you that and her mom told her that.  God is love and He loves you Mother.

*"I go to prepare a place for you."  Mother God prepared a place for you.  It will be organized and clean and you will never have to worry about anything being dirty again everything will be perfect.

*Tell Linda I love her and miss her.  Tell her.  You will be able to give her a big hug.  She will be waiting for you.  Give her a hug for me.

*Let's put on the armor of God.  Breastplate of righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, Belt of Truth, Sword which is the Word of God, feet is Gospel of peace, and when you have done everything just STAND.

So much time has passed.  Little did I know that I would see two people enter the kingdom of Heaven in 2011.  That has to change a person.  My heart is so different then before.  I almost do not even recognize the person I am becoming.  I didn't want life to change.  I wanted Grandma to live ten minutes down the street for longer.  I enjoyed going to her, "Five star Hotel" having dinner with her and seeing her.  She had a gentle way about her.  We liked reading the same books and she enjoyed seeing my kids.  She thought Chris looked like Grandpa Nelson and she taught him the tradition of making Beer Bread.  She had a soft spot for Mikaylah and Mikaylah loved Grandma.  I remember at Grandma's memorial service Mikaylah asked Chris to read a note for her.  She said Grandma wasn't ready to leave because she was enjoying her life here.  Now I realize that it doesn't matter if you want to leave this earth, when it's your time you have to go.  When your body tires you have to go.  You have to go to the place that was prepared for you.  I like to think of Grandma standing there in her perfect way ushering Mikaylah into her eternal place.  Death is hard and so final.  Chris said it so perfectly a few months ago, "When you are with someone when they leave/ die, a little bit of yourself goes with them and after that you can never be exactly who you were before."    I have learned that so well this past year, its painful finding the new person you have to become when your life turns upside down.  I pray that as time passes the person I become is as productive, loving, happy, peaceful, strong, and content as the person I was before and even more so.