Mother's Day!

Mother's Day brings something different for everyone...

The joy of being a mother is profound!  Only a mother can know that JOY...

There are many hurting this weekend dealing with loss...

Many do not have the unconditional love if a mother... Many of the youth I work with have huge losses...  One lost a mother to murder, one lost to drugs, one lost to mental illness, one lost to domestic violence, one lost to fear and the list just keeps going...

Then you have the other side of the coin... The memory of bearing a child but not having that child with you...

You have daughters and sons who have lost mothers to sickness and old age....

Then you have mothers that only want a day without the kids... 

Enjoy your kids... Enjoy your moms.... 

There will come a day when either mother or child will leave this earth... Then all you will have is the memory!  

Happy Mother's Day!

5 Things to do if you know someone who has lost a child...

This blog entry comes from an article I posted on my Facebook this week... To tell you the truth I didn't think anyone would read it but the response was very encouraging... I received the following personal message from a friend:

Tammy,

After reading the post about losing a child, many times, I have a question for you.  How does someone who has not gone through the lost of a child interact with someone who has.  I know that when I learned of Makalias passing, I felt so sad and I really didn't know what to say to you to express the sorrow I felt.  Even after seeing you a few weeks ago it felt like I was on guard all the time.  I wanted to interact with you in more deep way, but the occasion was more of a social event. 

If this post would have given more guidance for people to get pass the feeling of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time it would have been so much enlighten.

"Name was removed"

This message got me thinking how can someone who has not lost a child interact with someone who has... I began thinking of the few people who have broken the barrier and started or continued a relationship... I came up with the following 10 things...

1.  Ask, "How are you?"

    People who know of our loss stop asking that question because they assume we are not doing well.  But "How are you?" Is a normal way to start a conversation and when you illiminate it that tells us you don't want to know how we are... But you have to be ready for the response... Just like any other person we are not asking you to fix us when we say we are having a bad day we are just looking for support, a listening ear...

2.  Say our child's name...

    You may think by bringing up our child's name it will make us sad or make us cry... Guess what? It doesn't take you asking to make us sad or make us cry... Our children never leave our minds.  We become pretty good at pushing thoughts to the back of our head but we NEVER stop thinking about them.  When you illiminate our children from your vocabulary it adds that elephant in the room effect... Everyone is thinking of that child but no one wants to say it.  It's okay if it makes me cry! I cry and probably always will!

3.  Continue to invite us to social functions...

    Group activities wether family or friends are very difficult for a very long time.  It's hard to go to a function first of all because that child is no longer there and its hard to do things that that child enjoyed with you.  Secondly its hard because everyone else is missing that child/person too.  The elephant in the room no one wants to bring up but everyone is thinking about.  The sadness and overwhelming uncomfortable feeling is almost to unbearable so we decline invites or don't show up... But that doesn't mean we never want to be included again... Yes it might be years....  I've thought about this one it's kinda like we are burning our bridges because we are not reciprocating the relationships we once valued but we have had a major life change and it takes a long while to catch our breathe back and learn to live again.  Even now as I write this I feel so anxious about building relationships with people who knew me before this loss.

4.  Don't judge...

    You don not know how you would react if you lost a child.  Most parents say, "I wouldn't survive that." But Truely what does that mean?  We can't just give up and die when this happens but we do things that may not be healthy to SURVIVE.  We find a way to cope!  When we find that way to cope don't judge that doesn't help.  Have you heard the saying, "Until you walk a mile in someone else's shoes don't judge them."  That applies here... We are finding a new us... A new way to live and we view life with totally different eyes.  We are not the same person and we will never be that person again.  

5.  Tell us problems in your life... The good, the bad, and the ugly...

    Yes we have gone through a change a great sorrow but does that mean we don't want to hear about your life?  No we do!  That's how relationships continue... Sharing good, bad, and ugly... Common curtesy: listen and share.  Everyone gets a turn!  

Something I have learned through this is crying is ok... It may be uncomfortable but it okay... Share your feelings.

Life's a journey... The few friends I have gained through this most difficult time of my life are priceless,,, the asked me how I was, they listened, they shared, they invited, and most of all they are not afraid to say "MIKAYLAH!"

The family and friends who knew me before... To those of you who stayed through the change... Thank you!  Love to all!

Loyal? Faithful?

Loyalty... What does that mean?

I have always described Chris, my son as a very loyal person.  He doesn't like change and when he commits to something he refuses to turn his back on it... He is loyal to not only people but decisions he makes regarding health and goals.

Each one of us can ask ourselves are we loyal?

Definition:

loyals: These are people you can trust to have your back all the time, you can close your eyes when sleeping and they got you covered or turn your back on them after handing them a knife or gun and not have to worry that they will be tempted to use it on you. They never abandon you.

Faithful to a person or a cause; firmly in alliance to somebody or something. Always there for somebody when they need you.

In some parts of my life I have been faithful... Of course the one that you need to be most faithful in I failed... Lol... MARRIAGE!  At least I'm not alone in that one.  We committed to forever but only made it about 15 years... We were faithful a lot of years and even through the hard times I wouldn't change it. I have wonderful children and I learned so much through those years...

I do believe we really tried... For the first several years I never said anything negative about him... Simple because I didn't want people to think badly about him and even after he did 18 months in anger management in house treatment program I still wanted to make it work.  I believe we had a true love for each other we just couldn't seem to make it work... Wether it was his passed, my codependency, a child with a disability... I'm not sure...

LOYAL... FAITHFUL... Hum...

I have to say I was TOTALLY and completely faithful to my children... They had my complete and full attention and there best interest was always my goal.  I put my life on hold to make sure they had everything they needed and wanted... Was this healthy?  Well I can only say I'm pretty proud of the way Chris turned out... Was it worth my own sacrifice? Absolutely...    

Loyal... To friends...

Do you have friends who have been there through thick and thin?  Have you been there for them? Have you never said a bad thing behind their back? Have you told them what you really think to their face? Have they told you a thing or two? That's what a true friend is... May not always be together but when you are its real... Its deep... Through the good and bad of this life we call a journey.

Well I NEVER dreamed I would find another man I could be loyal and loving with... Well my heart is starting to open a little each day.  Meaningful relationships make our life fun, happy, challenging, and full...  At this point in my life it always comes back to my kids... I miss the life I had, but I am enjoying the life I now have... There is no going back... Forward is the only choice.  

Maybe you have had a life change, maybe someone has not been loyal to you... That hurt can be used to make sure you are faithful and loyal don't let that hurt stop you from having full happy relationships!  We only have one life... One journey...  And we use the things that have happened to us in all the chapters of our life.

I hope there is someone or lots of someone's in your life you can dedicate this song too!

http://youtu.be/yJYXItns2ik

 

This CPS job!

Life issues...  so as a social worker with CPS there is never a truly dull moment.  Sometimes I'm amazed at the things people endure...  And sometimes I'm amazed at how similar my life is to theirs... I just chose a different way to deal with the things that come my way.

 

My day started out with a meeting with a couple who had a visit with their children... a SUPERVISED one hour visit... In a room that has a camera and microphone... I'm sitting at a computer screen listening and watching each and every move they make.  It kind of took me back to those early years when I would take the kids out and if they misbehaved or talked to loud I would be embarrassed and wonder what I should do because everyone had their eyes on me... JUDGING me... seeing what I would do.  Then sometimes I would think OMG someone is going to call CPS on us.  Well now guess what, its me they call... after the visit I sat down with the parents... today we talked about the depression that sets in when there's not enough money, or when they disagree on discipline or other life issues... what did they do when they got depressed???  Turned to drugs... laid in bed and didn't clean the house.  They let the depression take over.  How do you learn to use other coping mechanisms when you've used the same ones for 15 years?  Then I began to think... that could have been me...

My second SUPERVISED visit was with a mom that had not seen her 3 beautiful children in 3 months.  After the visit I sat down with the mom... I asked her about her relationship with the kids dad... She said didn't you read the file?  I said you know I want to hear the story first hand from you, then I want to start right now moving in a different direction... She began to tell me a story of domestic violence and how she doesn't have loving relationships with men anymore because they can't be trusted.  She said I know how to prevent future domestic violence relationships... don't get into relationships...  As she talked she suddenly said you know I think I need to see a counselor and talk about some of these feelings and dig a little deeper then what I have dug in the past.  Then I realized... this is me... this is what I did for the last 10 years... after being in a domestic violence relationship... I put all men in that category of not caring of not loving... I'm so thankful I didn't chose to cover my feelings with drugs and neglect of my children... but that could have been me...

So much of the time we judge others... like our way is always right... Yeah people make wrong choices, but we are just one step away from where they are, by making one wrong decision.  Who among us is not hiding something in our life?  A feeling... A addiction... Unforgiveness... Hatefulness... Meanness... Yeah I have people all around me telling me all the time... I need to change how I think of people... get harder... don't think good of people because most of them are not good... Well I can't do that... I don't want to change... I don't want to get hard... I want to have compassion... I want to be that one person they look back and say... they cared... Yeah I may only see one parent change, but that's okay... One is enough!

Dear Mikaylah Partin...

Dear Mikaylah,

What would I want to tell you if I could actually talk to you today?  I've been sitting here thinking... I wonder if you see me... I wonder if you think of me... What if I could send you a letter, a message?  Would it bring you happiness?  Sadness? Indifference? 

Girlie, we miss you!  Everyday seems like it is missing something without you here.  Every morning for just a few moments I think of you and how I wish I was coming in your room to get you ready for the day.  I wish I could see what you would be at 17... OMG 17... I wonder if that really bad attitude would be less, but your feisty fiery spirit would still be there.  I wonder if you would laugh till you couldn't breath and we would laugh just because you were...

Are you happy where your at?  Are you in heaven?  Are you just spirit?  Are you alone or with others?  So many questions.  Are you glad you left your pain and family and friends behind or would it had been worth it to keep the pain and stay with us?  I have to be honest girlie... I miss YOU, but I do not miss the hospitals and the pain you endured!

Mikaylah you would be so proud of Chris.  He has moved down south to be with Monique.  I know how much you liked Monique and wanted to have a sister.  They are not married, but I bet someday they will be.  Even though you are not here she will techniquely be your sister.  Your brother is so disciplined, he says that because you were always such a go getter that gives him strength to achieve anything he wants.

Guess what?  Your grandma and papa are traveling... that would drive you nuts because you would have to come home to an empty house after school.  They are having so much fun being free to just enjoy life and see things and not have to worry about the cares of this world. 

You know what Mikaylah?  I'm starting to laugh and smile and feel happy again on the inside.  At times I feel guilty for feeling happy and for moving on with life, but then I realize that that's what you would have wanted for me.  You would have wanted me to find love and to laugh like there is no tomorrow and live life to the fullest.  I'm really trying baby girl.  There are times when I feel extremely alone, but they are fewer than even a few months ago.

Your Uncle Tom needs your positive thoughts and strength baby... Aunt Carol and the boys always need you and miss you so much!  Alan played baseball and he did so good.  You would have loved being at the baseball games and you would have yelled so loud Alan would have been embarrassed.  We all miss that personality! 

Mikaylah you would be so happy they put in a middle divider in by the Jr. High... now everyone has to go to the light to cross!  No cheaters!

Baby girl there will never be a day I don't want to see your beautiful face and feel your hand holding mine.  To hear your voice and your laughter... to see your independence and the dreams you would have for yourself by now.  Just know that we are missing you ALWAYS.

Love,
Mom

PS.  If you have read this letter and want to talk to Mikaylah to let her know how your doing or if you have questions or want to vent... Please leave a letter in the comments addressed to her...

Love to all!

New People...

It hit me today... Everyone in my life is new... If you consider a year or less...  A few years ago I had people in my life that had been there for years... 

Then DEATH hit our family... Then nothing could be the same.   People... Myself included couldn't handle the "elephant" in the room.  So I made new friends.  

This was fine until today when I realized who do you call on when you don't have anyone... My boyfriend says "me" and I'm ever so thankful but what if he wasn't available...  Then what...

I've lived in Turlock the last 24 years... I moved around a lot growing up and I always wanted my kids to grow up in the same place... Why? For what?  

Building a totally new life is not easy... At times it's painful... Other times it's rewarding and warm.  I just wish there was a mix... The old and the new.  I don't blame anyone but myself... I had to pull away just so I could survive the pain.

To the very few family and friends that have stuck around thank you and I am ever so thankful we made it through the hard times... You know who you are.  

To my new friends I love you all and thank you for welcoming me into your circle.   I feel so grateful.  So even though I head to bed with tears I'm thankful and grateful for a new life... 

LIFE UPDATE... YOUR HELP IS NEEDED, LOL!!!

A brand new life is sometimes so hard to live.  I look back to 22 months ago and what my life consisted of and I can't believe how much one can change in that length of time.  How does it happen?  I look back and sometimes wonder how did I get here.  Life goes so quickly.  I tell myself its time to live.  Time to live life for myself.  Time to get out there and build friendships, find that special someone, a companion.  Life is not going to wait for me, its going to keep moving forward and I don't want to be 90 and look back and say... I wish, I should have... I want to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST!  

MIKAYLAH is not wishing she were living life to the fullest.  She is living the fullest in the presence of God.  I'm very glad she does not have grief or the sense of loss, she is completely whole, completely healed!  I am thankful for that.  She wants me to be happy, she wanted that for me when she was here.

As a single mom I never really thought of getting married again.  I had to many things to keep me busy, to many responsibilities to Chris and Mikaylah and I didn't want to make a mistake and marry the wrong person.  Now I desire to have a someone to build a life with.  So everyone within ear distance be on the outlook.  You all know me and I need help finding that special someone, so if you know anyone special send them my way!!!! LOL!!!!  

This weeks work was so difficult and stressful.  Taking a little 2 day old baby from its parents at the hospital is heartbreaking.  Walking out of the hospital with such precious cargo, putting that 6 pound baby in the infant seat, and driving away was almost more responsibility then I could handle.  I kept thinking about this little baby in the back seat.  Took me back to bringing my little ones home from the hospital.  I sat in the back seat with them making sure they were okay, making sure they were safe and breathing.  This little baby sat alone in the back seat with nobody fussing over him.  HEARTBREAKING!  So many little children out there with parents who do love them, but have so many bad choices in life they cannot take care of their children.  Looking into the eyes of a parent and saying there is absolutely nothing you can do at this moment to stop this is the really bad part of my job.  

The first year Mikaylah passed away I had this tightening in my throat, I saw it as the representation of all the grief and missing and everyday I had to push it down; it wanted to come up, but I had to do all the life things so I had to push it down.  The tightening returned this week.  I had to push all the emotions down.  Stoically standing in front of the parents confronting issues, taking the baby, transporting the baby, and then writing a court document telling all the reasons why this precious baby had to be placed in protective custody.  Such a difficult job.  I now understand why there is a huge burnout amoung social workers.  

So this is the new life!  New job, new love, new life!  I'm going to love this life.  Its not anything like my previous life, its a whole NEW one.  Thanks for listening and don't forget to send those special guys my way!  HEEHEE!!!

                     

I miss Spina Bifida

I know, a weird thing to say.  How can a person miss what is not suppose to be?  Or what is considered by society to be a flaw, a mistake, a desease, an illness; how can one miss that?  

I miss spina bifida because:

It brought Mikaylah to me.

It brought a loving, spunky, full of life daughter into my life.

It caused people to view Mikaylah as strong.

It helped others see that if Mikaylah with all her struggles could be happy and continue living life then they could too.

It gave me purpose.

It gave me something to participate in: support groups, research, friends.

It gave me insight into emergency rooms.

It let me meet social workers, doctors, hundreds of awesome nurses.  (Some we worked with since Mikaylah's birth.)

It gave my son compassion for disabilities and different abled people.

It gave me the experience to educate others on how to treat those with disabilities and to teach that to children so they could know.

It gave me connections to doctors to have conferences for the local community.

It allowed me to participate in my daughters life in ways most parents do not get to.  

It allowed me to spend time with Mikaylah and have her as not only a daughter, but a companion.

Hospital stays brought us closer as we spent time holding hands, praying, and talking about secrets.

It allowed me to meet people I never would have met.

It allowed me to see how others feel when they are different than everyone else.  (Minorities)

It allowed me to have a voice.   (When others would ask what was wrong with her, I would educate them, "There's nothing wrong with her, whats wrong with you?")

It helped me slow down.

It helped me to appreciate the small stuff.

It taught me to not take things for granted to celebrate every milestone.

It taught me that potty training is not the most important thing.

That walking isn't everything.

It taught me that getting somewhere on-time isn't always posible, plan for accidents!

Always take an extra set of cloths.

Eating isn't easy for everyone.

It taught me that sleep and rest is important for a body.

It taught me that pain is good: it gives you signs that something is wrong.

It taught me to depend on others and to ask for help.

It taught me that God doesn't always have healing in mind.  That sometimes he creates a baby in a mother's womb and they are perfect in His sight, but not in this worlds sight.  He creates that child for a reason, for a purpose, for the reasons listed above.  As much as our church wanted Mikaylah healed, as much as they prayed, she wasn't healed.  Why do you think this was?  Some might say because we didn't have enough faith, others say we needed to press in more... why can't we just believe that Mikaylah was right where God wanted her.  That he had a specific plan for her and it included Spina Bifida.  

This month is Spina Bifida Awareness Month...  I'm not going to lie Spina Bifida was the best and worst thing that has happened to me thus far.  It gave me Mikaylah and it took her away.  

The day she was born was the first time I had heard the word Spina Bifida and I heard it after the nurse delivered her.  The nurse was screaming, the nurse did not know what to do.  I was confused and scared and wanted to know what was wrong.  Mikaylah was beautiful.  That began our journey with Spina Bifida and we studied and accepted her with open arms and she gave us everything we needed.  She was perfect.  Even with all her challenges and hospital stays she was perfect.  It wasn't till 2010 that we decided after several years of putting it off to have a surgery that could help Mikaylah become independent with her bladder and bowel maintanence.  That surgery seemed to bring the independence she needed, but with it came complications that eventually took her life.  Her paralysis did not allow her to feel the pain of infection that took over her body.  

What I take from this... all the above.  Accept people.  Don't judge the will of God for others lives.  Don't tell others what God wants for them, thats not your job.  Love people, learn lessons from others.  Live each day as if it were your last.  Be thankful.  Be grateful even when you feel there is nothing to be grateful for.  Look around you and embrace differences.  Everyone does not need to be the same.  Normal is in the eyes of the beholder.  Talk to people.  Show interest.  Be honest with yourself.  Embrace the journey.  Love your family, without judgement.  Love your friends and support them.

 

THE VERY NAME... MOM

                      

         

It's amazing how it happens.  A child grows within and the moment that child enters the world you are forever a "Mom".  You have a new name and a new role.  Something you never again lose.  Not like a job that can be taken away.  Once a mother always a mother.  Even if your child dies at birth or shortly after you are still a mom.  

When we think of our mom some of us have thoughts of extreme connection and heartfelt love and others have anger or hurt.  Even if anger and hurt are the feelings you have that anger is because we all know that a mom is suppose to love her children, is suppose to protect and care for her children with no regard for herself.  Mom's take care of the needs of her children from birth.  We feed them either from a bottle or breast but we are the reason they live.  Without a mothers care to feed, diaper, and hold, babies would not survive.  Mother's spend sleepless nights and when we gaze into the eyes of our baby we can't seem to stop looking.  The connection we feel and the overwhelming feelings of love take over our hearts at times.  Mother's can literally spend hours watching our babies sleep.  A baby changes your life.  Babies don't always come at the most opportune times... sometimes your are to young, to old, not married, in the middle of a job change, poor, but none the less you become a mom.  Even those who give their babies in adoption are still forever changed, they are forever a mom.

                                   

As our children grow we can't wait till they say MOM.  We coach them hoping they will say our name before they say anyone else's.  We cannot wait to hear the words of our name come from our children.  And when they finally say our name we smile and it feels so natural!  The older our children get the more we hear our name being called.  I think it was somewhere around age 5 my children would call my name every few minutes!  There was actually a time I said, I'm going to change my name!  But of course I did not!  

        

Despite everything else we do working, cleaning, laundry, cooking, family get togethers, birthdays... we know that being a mother takes precidents.  If our child gets sick we are there to make sure they get better, if the school calls we go take care of it, if our child is crying we comfort, if our child needs cloths or supplies we take them.  If we realize what we have; we talk to our children, we spend time playing games and watching movies, going to sports events, musicals, and experiencing life together.  

As we head into teen years our children do not say our name quite as much... they say it but not always in a nice way!!!  They start to not need us as much.  It's hard as a mom because we have put our absolute everything into loving and caring for our children.  It's during these years we question if we did the right thing when they were little and growing.  Its amazing though that no matter what our child says or does in teenage years we love them.  It's a neverending, neverstopping love of a mother.  

                                         

I'm at the point in my Mom journey that I really miss hearing that name, "MOM."  At one point I might have heard that name 100 or more times a day, now there are some days I never hear that word.  The other day I was sitting on the patio and Chris yelled out the door, "Bye Mom, I love you."  My heart was overwhelmed.  Hearing my 19 year old say my name makes my heart feel complete, but it also brought a sadness that as my child gets older I will hear that word less and less, because sooner or later he will move out and I won't talk to him everyday!  For me it also brought the reminder that I will never again hear my Mikaylah say my name.  I have to say I miss hearing her say, "mom!"  I grieve for every card, letter, picture, hug that I would get for the next 40 years!  I will never have another letter that reads, "Mom I love you, Mikaylah."  So I cherish the ones I have!  

The natural order is the child losing the Mom.  That is not easy either.  I love calling my mom... talking to her.  I know she is the one who prays for me and who to this day would still give her life for me.  I have seen her struggle with losing her mom.  I am sure she misses using that name, "MOM."  The name mom is reserved for moms or people in our lives who act as a mom.  So when our mom is gone from this world we never again use that name.  

Moral of this story...

If you have small children, relish that they say your name often.  Remember that time passes quick and these days cannot be relived.  Time waits for no one and keeps marching on.  The next time they call your name, "Mom."  Recognize the feeling you have when you hear that name!

If you have teenagers, remember they are not going to be this age forever and that they love you, they are just trying to spread their wings a little.  When these years pass, the next step is to their own life, a life that you will be part of but not as much.

If you have adult children, call often and love them for the life they lead even if you don't agree.

If you have a mom love them, call them, write them, say their name often and let them know you appreciate them.  When your mom is gone from this world you will not get that opportunity again.  

Life is ever so short and loss is evident and will happen to each of us we do not want to look back with regret, we want to look back and say I took every opportunity to let those around me know I love them whether Mom or Child!

TO MY MIKAYLAH:

      

I THINK SHE KNEW THIS IS HOW I FELT.  I DON'T REGRET, BUT I DO WISH I HAD SPENT MORE TIME MAKING SURE SHE KNEW I LOVED HER.  AND I SPENT A LOT OF TIME.  MAYBE WE WILL ALWAYS WISH WE HAD SPENT MORE TIME TELLING OUR LOVED ONES.  EVEN THOUGH I DO NOT GET TO SEE HER GROW INTO WOMANHOOD, I KNOW THAT SHE HAS GROWN INTO A COMPLETE, WHOLE, AND PERFECT SPIRITUAL BEING IN HEAVEN.  I LOVE YOU MIKAYLAH!

   

Triggers

Today I had CPR/ First Aid at work.  You would think just another boring class.  I've taken the class several times, but it was time to renew!  

Shock... just that word followed by all the signs of shock.  Mikaylah had every symptom of shock on December 17, 2011... vomiting, ash colored skin, delusion, extreme thirst, discomfort/pain, low blood pressure, high heart rate, but I didn't see these signs.  Chris says I didn't want to see, he says he knew she was really really sick.  I didn't.  

Back to trigger, sitting in class talking about shock, my brain shuts down, I tell myself, "No don't think about her, don't think about the pain and discomfort, don't think about her ambulance ride to UCSF, don't think about the way she asked for water/ apple juice over and over, don't think about them taking her to surgery, don't think about the news of a bladder that had ruptured and the infection that raged within her, don't think about the 106 fever, don't think about that last breath."  I have to finish class, I have to continue without a tear.  

How do we continue without a tear?  How do we walk through life knowing that life can be snatched at anytime?  How do we live life to the very fullest when there are so many thoughts that bring sadness and tears?  I'm not sure... all I know is I do.  I may not be living life to the fullest, but I am moving toward that, I am walking forward, but those triggers are HELL!  

This is how I look after a day of triggers!  Just being real here!  LOL!  So glad to have all of you!

Transition

It's inevitable that I must move on.  Everyday is one step closer to leaving this world and I don't want to get to the end with any regrets.  I guess the real question is, how do I move on with Mikaylah in my heart instead of in my world.  Everyday I get up and put one foot in front of the other and walk through this world.  So I would have to say I am moving on, but am I moving on in the best possible way I can?  Am I making a mark on this world that will never be erased when I am gone from here?  I want to...  I want to make a difference in the lives of those around me.  Is wanting to enough?  

I think about helping people who are walking through the grief process.  I could be there for people, listening and comforting, but I haven't gotten to the point where I can even say, "My daughter is forever 14."  Without a lump expanding in my throat and tears coming to my eyes.  I can mostly hold the tears back now and regain composure fast, but it takes all my strength and makes me want to run and escape from the present.  I wish I was one of those grievers who could say Mikaylah appears to me in the form of a butterfly and I see her in the ocean, and she visits me in my dreams, but I can't.  The pain of her lose is so great.

I'm 43 years old and going through an identity crisis.  My two worlds have to come together.  How do I make these two chapters fit together.  Whats the transition between plots?  My life now has to include my past, my last chapter.  How do I make it fit with the new life, the new chapter?  Will it just come together or do I need to seek it?

"The meaning of our lives is revealed through experiences that at first seem at odds with each other- moments we wish would never end and moments we wish had never begun.  Those timeless experiences we want to last forever whisper to us that they were meant to.  There is more to these days than pictures tucked away in photo albums, fading as the memory fades from view.  We use a statement to try to console ourselves with what we think is the irrecoverable loss:  "All good things come to an end."  I hate that phrase.  It's a lie.  Even our troubles and our heartbreaks tell us something about our true destiny."  The Journey of Desire- John Eldredge

So I know in my heart that my heartbreaks will be used to bring me to my true destiny.  I can't believe that the life I once knew was just so I could spend my time wishing I could get it back.  So I move forward in search of the new chapter and during this transition chapter, I choice to jump in.  

Feelings like this are NORMAL!

Why can't it be easy?  Why can't we live in a rose garden?  Does this really all go back to Adam and Eve and they curse God passed to us because of their disobedience?

Looking for someone to blame... for my hurting heart!  I guess I'll blame them.  They are dead and gone and I can blame them without feeling bad about it!  LOL!

How many years do I get to miss you like this?  Will it be the number of years you were on this earth?  Is 14 the magic number?  Will you still be such a painful missing 14 years from now?  Somedays I just can't believe you are gone FOREVER.  I simple miss you.  Everything about you.  Wish you were here on this Labor Day weekend.

Written on 8/17/13- While on vacation in Las Vegas and Yuma

It's been a long while since I've been on.  Not sure why other than the fact I've just been moving forward, putting one foot in front of the other.  This summer has been a challenge.  After graduating in May I began interviewing for jobs and county jobs seem to take forever to call you.  In the waiting time I began to doubt myself.  I truly began to think things like: I'm not smart, I'm not pretty, and how am I ever going to find a job.  As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months I became more depressed and antsy.  Then I got the calls and picked the job and start on August 26th.  So I went on vacation...

Missing Mikaylah.  She is so very missed.  Sometimes I just wish I could wake up and she would be here.   I loved my vacation... 19 days... each day I thought of how much Mikaylah would have loved spending time with everyone.  She loved her cousins and Aunt Pam and Uncle Sonny.  I also realized that there would have been no way we would have gone for 19 days if she had gone.  She loved visiting people but it was challenging for Mikaylah to be away from home for to many nights.  She tired easily and because of her needs traveling wasn't always easy.  It was challenging.  There were times on this trip that I thought, "Wow, I have absolutely no responsibilities."  It feels weird to be kid free and then after being a caretaker for 14 years it feels weird to not have that responsibility.  There were times while shopping I would stop and look around like where are my kids, but then I would realize they were not there.

I ask myself how can you have a good time while so deeply hurting, but thats exactly what happened.  This was probably one of my favorite trips and at the same time my heart hurt so deeply at times it was hard to breath.  I guess on one hand I feel guilty that I am having a good time without her, on the other hand I know she would have enjoyed it, and if I had a third hand I realize she is totally fulfilled where she is and is having the time of her life not wishing to come back to me.

The absolute best time of my life was raising Chris and Mikaylah.  I love being a mom.  I loved every labor pain, every milestone, every hug, kiss, teaching opportunity.  I loved vacations, day trips, movie dates, family times.  Even in the bad times I enjoyed that fact that I had my children no matter what and the love we have never goes away.  I know I am still a mom and I know that Chris still needs me, but its different.  Changing.  Chris has grown up and he only gets my input when he wants it!  I have to say he is the best thing in my life and I worry constantly that he will be taken from me.  I hope I never have to endure losing him.  He is my saving grace... he makes me laugh and reminds me that I still have a piece of the favorite things in my life... my children.

Some say time heals the pain of losing a child.  I have to say they must have never lost a child.  The more time that goes by the more I miss her.  The more time that goes by the more I realize I will never see her again in this life.  The more time that goes by the more deeply the pain of losing her is. I wonder what she would enjoy... would it still be Justin Bieber, would she have a boyfriend, would she be doing well in school, would she be looking forward to her sophomore year or wishing summer was not over.  Would I be dropping her at the theater to meet up with friends today and taking her to church in the morning.  Would I be listening to her fight with her brother non-stop?  Would I be telling her to put her phone down during dinner?  I know I would be giving her a hug and kiss everyday and telling her how much I love her, because that is what I did everyday of her life.

There are many things in life you can change, many things you can do over.  If you get a bad grade you can take the class again.  If you yell at someone close to you, you can apologize.  If you want to reach a goal you can.  But death is the end.  There is nothing else that can be done in this world when you are gone.  On December 21, 2011 at 5:04 am Mikaylah could no longer do anything in this world and I can no longer apologize, talk, hug, kiss, or touch her.  So remember to never take for granted the minutes you have with your loved ones.  I am trying to remember this as it is a reality everyday.

How Great Thou Art

Then sings my soul, my savior God to Thee, How great thou art, how great thou art, how great thou art, HOW GREAT THOU ART.

Hymns have always been a part of my life.  I never remember a time as I look back without hymns.  Even as churches began to bring modern music in, I still felt there was nothing to compare to hymns. I would hear people say, "I don't like the hymnal, Its outdated, That's for the old people."  I still liked them.  My nephew and brother both have given me hymnals for gifts.  I grew up hearing my grandpa, uncles, mom, aunts, cousins, sing those hymns.  It was more than just the music- its the words.  The last few years hymns have made a reappearance in churches and on the radio- of coarse the music is different, but the words are the same.    Hymns bring people together.  As I was getting in the shower this morning How Great Thou Art came to mind and I began to sing it.  That's right, the none singer I am began to sing it.  Then I went to YouTube and found this beautiful video.  You can see people in the audience tearing up as feelings start coming to life about how great God is.  I ask myself how can hymns have that effect?  I'm not sure other than the fact hymns bring me to a happy place on the inside.  A secure place- knowing that God has a plan and that life is not in vain.  A place of family dinners and guitar playing.  A place of complete thankfulness of who God is, who He represents.  Take a few minutes to listen to Carrie Underwood and Vince Gill.  It's beautiful!



http://youtu.be/pLLMzr3PFgk

GRANDMA NELSON

Grandma Nelson.  The name stands alone.  Always a picture of perfection.  Morally right.  Trustworthy.  Cleanliness is next to Godliness.  Organized.  Prayerful.  Exercise.  Status.  When I think of my Grandma it brings memories of Easter, Christmas, and Thanksgiving.  It brings memories of summer vacations with swimming, taco night and General Hospital.  Grandma passed away on January 14, 2011.  I cannot believe two years have passed since I have seen or heard her.  The night she died I was in her hospital room and I had the chance to see my Aunt Michele comfort her mother like no one else could.  It changes a person seeing them go from this world to the next. 

Journal Entry from 1-15-11
Grandma Nelson was in the hospital recovering from intestine surgery.  She went into the hospital with severe pain in her back and stomach.  Her intestines had a "kink" in them.  She had surgery on Tuesday night/ Wednesday morning @ 12:45 am.  By 5:00 am she was in ICU on a ventilator.  They said her heart stopped three times during surgery and they didn't know if she would make it.  Wednesday she slept all morning and they took the tube out around 3:00.  She was breathing on her own, but was very agitated.  She was anxious and couldn't relax without medication.  Thursday when I went to visit Grandma was awake off and on.  When I said, "Hi Grandma" she said, "Hi Dear."  Grandma always called me Dear.  I figured it was because I was dear to her.  Tom and Dan came to visit her.  She said, "Hi Daniel."  I'm not sure if she really recognized anyone else but she was smiling and I thought she may be recovering a little.  On Friday when my mom got to the hospital they told her Grandma had MRSA which is a infection that is resistant to antibiotics.  She was also very labored in breathing.  As the day went on her blood pressure was low and by evening the doctor wanted to put the tube back in.  I asked if that was life support and he said yes.  I went and got my dad and Uncle Gary to come talk to the doctor. 

Aunt Michele stayed with Grandma from around 8:00 pm till Grandma went to heaven at 11:09.  I have never seen anything like Aunt Michele; she talked, prayed, recited scripture, sang hymns and comforted Grandma as she went through her last hours on earth.  I learned more about the Nelson family in those last hours, more than I had learned in my entire life. 

*She recited the Lord's Prayer many times and talked about how Grandma had taught them the Lord's Prayer and all her Grandkids.  How they held hand and said the prayer before each meal.  She said, "Thank you for teaching us.  We love the prayer and have plaques to remind us."

*"Yeah though I walk through the shadow of death, I will fear no evil."  Mother there's no need to fear because God is with you.  No evil can hurt you.  God is love.  Remember as a child you told me God is love and I'm sure your mom told you that and her mom told her that.  God is love and He loves you Mother.

*"I go to prepare a place for you."  Mother God prepared a place for you.  It will be organized and clean and you will never have to worry about anything being dirty again everything will be perfect.

*Tell Linda I love her and miss her.  Tell her.  You will be able to give her a big hug.  She will be waiting for you.  Give her a hug for me.

*Let's put on the armor of God.  Breastplate of righteousness, Helmet of Salvation, Belt of Truth, Sword which is the Word of God, feet is Gospel of peace, and when you have done everything just STAND.

So much time has passed.  Little did I know that I would see two people enter the kingdom of Heaven in 2011.  That has to change a person.  My heart is so different then before.  I almost do not even recognize the person I am becoming.  I didn't want life to change.  I wanted Grandma to live ten minutes down the street for longer.  I enjoyed going to her, "Five star Hotel" having dinner with her and seeing her.  She had a gentle way about her.  We liked reading the same books and she enjoyed seeing my kids.  She thought Chris looked like Grandpa Nelson and she taught him the tradition of making Beer Bread.  She had a soft spot for Mikaylah and Mikaylah loved Grandma.  I remember at Grandma's memorial service Mikaylah asked Chris to read a note for her.  She said Grandma wasn't ready to leave because she was enjoying her life here.  Now I realize that it doesn't matter if you want to leave this earth, when it's your time you have to go.  When your body tires you have to go.  You have to go to the place that was prepared for you.  I like to think of Grandma standing there in her perfect way ushering Mikaylah into her eternal place.  Death is hard and so final.  Chris said it so perfectly a few months ago, "When you are with someone when they leave/ die, a little bit of yourself goes with them and after that you can never be exactly who you were before."    I have learned that so well this past year, its painful finding the new person you have to become when your life turns upside down.  I pray that as time passes the person I become is as productive, loving, happy, peaceful, strong, and content as the person I was before and even more so.

2013- A New Year

It’s 2013 and just like many others I am hoping that this year holds more happiness than the last.  I’m hoping that I can start dreaming some new dreams and meet some goals.  At times I feel a little guilty that I am thinking of the future and the things to come, because moving ahead means making a life without Mikaylah.  I know she will always be part of me and I will always remember the times we had together, but she does not have a future.  Her future is in another place and I guess I shouldn’t feel guilty because she is moving forward in her new future, her eternity.

Well I really can’t wait till May… GRADUATION!  I will have my masters of social work.  And I have worked hard for that piece of paper that will hopefully get me a good job.  Four more classes, thesis, and 250 more hours of internship.  Many late nights, group projects, and lots of reading, May will not come soon enough.  I can’t believe that I have been in school for about 33 years of my life.  I never want to go back.  If I ever say I’m going back to school I hope everyone loves me enough to stop me, stand in my way, and remind me of how much I don’t want to go to school.  It has been one heck of a journey.  I must be the most patient and persistent person alive.  I encourage each of you to reach for your dream, never give up, and don’t just wish you were doing something; put one foot in front of the other and just start taking small steps and you will eventually get there.

I am officially looking for work.  Putting resumes and cover letters in throughout the state of California.  I really want to do hospital social work, but Child Protective Services paid for my masters and in return I either have to pay back $40,000 or spend two years working for CPS anywhere in the state of California.  I figure if I get a really good job I can pay it back, but most likely I am going to have to work for them.  It’s not that I don’t want to help children and families; it’s just that there are so many hard decisions that have to be made for others and there are so many very sad things that happen to children.  Hospital social work will be so very sad at times, but I know that with my experience I can help other families go through some really hard times.

My weight and health have to be addressed this year.  I can no longer just let it go.  I have not been to the doctor since 1999.  Any ache or pain I ignore because I know what they will say.  I’m obese so every problem I have is related to my weight.  I have tried many times to lose weight and I have succeeded, but time and time again I fall off the weight loss wagon and then it takes me about two years to get back on.  My cousin was going to get rid of some Medi Fast and she gave it to me.  It’s only a month’s supply but I’m hoping that it will give me a head start.  That it will help me get motivated and on track.  Chris got me some vitamin powder and I feel confident that I can have some success.  I know losing weight will make me feel better physically and mentally. 

So even though I have much sadness and grief that exhausts me I am looking to the future.  Building my NEW NORMAL.  It’s not what I wanted to do but it’s what I have to do.  I know that many of you reading this also have things that are holding you back, things that follow you everywhere you go.  Maybe it’s a fear, death of a loved one, bad marriage, relationships, work, or depression, anxiety, or panic.  Maybe it’s time to face what’s holding you back.  Talk to a friend, seek out help from professionals, spend some time thinking about what you want to accomplish this year.  Love you all!

FROM A MOTHER'S HEART... one year later

I dreaded this day.  Why?  Because it meant that a year had passed.  That time was not standing still that somehow it would be worse as time passed.  Well this morning as I woke up I thought... this cannot be the worst day of my life because one year ago today was the worst day of my life.  Mikaylah's best day was my worst day.  As time passes on my fear is that Mikaylah will be forgotten that she will somehow disappear.  That as I begin to build my life without her that she will no longer have a place.  Sadness fills my mind as I think about leaving her behind. 

Throughout this last week I realized through the many messages, texts, cards, facebook memory posts, that everyone still remembers her and misses her.  That she really did make an impact on others and she is not being forgotten even after a year has passed.   This was very comforting to me. 

I miss her... I miss her smile... I miss her laugh... I miss the way her eyes dance... I miss her yelling... I miss her bossiness... I miss the way she talked to everyone when we were out... I miss not being alone... I miss getting her up in the morning... I miss talking her everywhere I go... I miss picking her up at her Grandma and Papa's... I miss taking her to church... I miss laying on her bed and getting the latest drama of the day... I miss the way she would hold my hand... I miss her helping cook dinner... I miss hearing Justin Bieber... I miss hearing the animal rescue shows and TLC shows... I miss seeing her excited face when friends were coming over... I miss the way she loved to shop... I miss the way she was always thinking of what she could do for others... I miss the person I was before she left this earth... I miss the life I had when she was here... I miss my purpose in life... I miss everything about her the good, the bad, the ugly.

I do not miss her calling me because she is sick... I do not miss hospital stays (I do miss the doctors, nurses, therapist, social workers.)... I do not miss her sadness regarding her immobility...

The list of misses far out ways the not misses.  I will never feel good about my child leaving me and I will never feel whole again.  However, I can feel good that she feels no pain, that she is happy and running free, and that she is home! 

Last night my cousin sent me a text and it was comforting I want to share it:

"God really used her in soo many ways and ya know thru this year I have thought about it in so many ways as to why, and the best answer that came to me one morning, was this... Her going from this world wasn't about us.  Wasn't about any of us.  It was her!  I think that was Gods way of rewarding her!  I know that sounds weird, how can that be a reward for her leaving us, but I think God was saying, "Well job my child, your work on earth is done." and he brought her home as a celebration of HIS love for her so she wouldn't have to endure anymore pain, sickness or tragedy that He felt she could not handle.  Although leaving us has been hard and sad for us, that's the only reason that makes any sense to my.  It's logical, and we as humans feel the pain, but she will NEVER anymore."

There is no explaining Mikaylah's death and why she couldn't just be healed, but these words brought a little joy to my heart.  God loved Mikaylah. 

I wish you all a very Merry Christmas!  Tammy

Mikaylah's Dream

Mikaylah wrote a book when she was 8 years old and we always had good intentions of getting it published and even taking it to Oprah!  Well as many things do, it got tucked away.  This year her Grandma and Papa made it happen.  Mikaylah passed away one year ago tomorrow and I thought this would be a great way to honor her!  Please listen!

http://youtu.be/ngMMosfaMIU

Can't seek Him.

I can't seek to please God right now.  I'm not sure why.  My WHOLE life I have seeked to please and have tried to make good choices and decisions and honestly I am the happiest when I'm doing good for others, but right now it seems I only have time for my thoughts and God could have changed my destination, but didn't.  He could have healed Mikaylah but chose not to.  Why?  I know we live in a fallen world I know life is not perfect and we have free choice, but if I am suppose to praise and worship God and pray to Him and aim to please Him... why can't He intervene when I really need Him.  Not that He hasn't but this was like MAJOR-LIFE CHANGING.  I know in my head/ or that the right way to think is because He could see the future, He knew what Mikaylah may have to endure later, but right now I just can't accept that as an answer. 

Birthday's In Heaven?

So yesterday was my Grandma Mercer's birthday.  She passed away May 26, 2004.  I miss her.  I started wondering if Mikaylah was helping her celebrate the day.  Mikaylah had a special bond with Grandma, I want to say the bond got stronger after Grandma passed away.  Mikaylah was given a little quilt that was Grandma's, and from the day she got it she slept with it.  She used it for comfort.  It literally went to the hospital, into surgeries, and on every vacation or overnight stay we had.  Mikaylah would cry the few times we forgot it.  It wasn't like she was a little toddler when she got it, it was just her connection with Grandma and I think to heaven too.  I'm sure when Mikaylah arrived in heaven she no longer needed her blanket because her Grandma was there.

I started to think about birthdays here on earth.  I have to say that NOTHING can top the feelings I had the day my kids were born.  The feelings of complete love, the love that no matter what NOTHING can stop it.  Different than any other kind of love.  Its a love that never ends, never gets less.  I also felt a complete sense of responsibility, that physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, developmentally, I had to bring this little baby to adulthood someday and that the goal was to raise a happy, loving, society involved, relational, productive adult.  The responsibility was so heavy but yet wouldn't trade it for anything.  There was also this overwhelming feeling of FEAR.  Fear that I would fail, but that fear did not keep me from that first feeling of complete LOVE.  I was so incredible PROUD of my kids at birth.  They hadn't even accomplished anything, but I wanted to show everyone my wonderful and cutest children!  When my kids were born I already had DREAMS for them.  For some reason I always thought Chris would be involved in sports and Mikaylah I thought would motivate others! 

Well I like to think Mikaylah planned and celebrated with Grandma yesterday.  Celebrated what?  The life she had on earth?  But really her Death Date is her new birth date, because that was the day she was born into heaven her forever home!  I wonder if in heaven that is the new birthday or if you celebrate on that day.  I wonder if God is as happy to see people enter heaven as we were the day we gave birth to our children.  I would like to think so.  That our saddest, most unhappiest day, the day someone dies is actually one of their happiest days.  As morbid as that sounds we would not want our loved ones to feel what we are feeling.  It comforts me to know Mikaylah is enjoying Grandma and that she is happily walking around with her!